First Love - Biggest Mistake

I was in 9th grade. She was in 7th. Thinking it was harmless and feeling cool, I pretended to be someone I wasn't. She fell in love. I fell in love. Little by little I started to realize how much my lie hurt. 6 months passed...

I introduced the real me---but still held on to the fake person she knew. Two separate people. Little by little, the old person disappeared. I think she was starting to realize. A few months passed...

I told the truth. She was angry though not surprised, I unknowingly said something manipulative, she forgave me.

We became friends. She fell out of love. I feel deeper.

I was stupid. I longed to see her. My parents didn't approve. They forbade me to talk to her.

I hadn't cried so much in my life as I did those next months. It hurt to love. Unrequited, especially. It hurt not to talk to her. I dreamt about her a lot--about us meeting. My heart was breaking. My body was breaking. My mind was breaking. I nearly died.

I went against my parent's wishes.

We started talking again. She teased me, said sweet things so fakely.

I was sweet. I was used. I was stupid.

We were on and off, on and off as friends over the course of a little over 1 year. She started to say cruel things; I gave up. She came back; I forgave.

I met someone else--online as well. With this new one's encouragement, I left her, though still in love.

Suddenly, I was relieved and happy. I had been addicted. But I hadn't recovered; this new one fell in love with me, so I pretended to love back.

Occasionally, I would go back to her, and check in. Our conversations were short. She didn't need me to care or worry. But I couldn't help it. I don't think it's possible to love two people fully at the same time. I stopped checking in.

Eventually, I became "single" again. Long distance relationships are hard.

I, in a way, "spied" on my first love. To see if she was happy. It didn't seem like she was. On AIM, I unblocked her thinking she would IM me like she used to, saying, "Why did you unblock me?" as I would wonder how she would notice if she hadn't been waiting for me to. She didn't contact me. I left my status messages hinting how sorry I was that I had ever bothered her--lied to her. I didn't want her back, I just wanted to apologize. Nothing. Then, she leaves message after message (status) talking about not forgiving. At first, I am excited. Then, reading on, I realize she is talking to someone else. Probably an ex. I'm not jealous. Instead, I am glad that she is living a normal life--that I haven't scarred her heart for life, like she has done mine.

All of it was a mistake. All of it was hard. What a horrible way to have your first love.

 

-> btw, this is a good reason why you should try to resist falling in love with someone you meet online (besides long-distance relationships being difficult): they might not really exist. i didn't lie originally because i was afraid she wouldn't like me. i lied because i liked being that other person and didn't think there was any harm. unfortunately, she fell in love with someone who didn't exist, and i fell in love with someone i had lied to.

Lenagical Lenagical
26-30, F
Mar 12, 2010