And He Broke My Heart To Pieces
I love someone online.. we wanted to meet.. so excited making plans. I was going there for a work trip.. he says he will pick me up from the airport.. that I can stay with him.. I tell my boss I dont need a hotel.. I am staying with family..lol.. I am suppose to fly to see him THIS Friday. For the past month, every night before I fall asleep.. I close my eyes and dream of him.. and how that day will be when I finally meet him. The touch of his skin, the feeling of his soft lips...
I started exercising more.. stopped biting my nails.. went on the pill.. even planned for a bikini wax..
The last two weeks he has been distant, but he also started a new job. He has been tired more and not online as much. He friends tell me that he has admitted that he is falling hard for me and that it scares him. His friend goes on to say that he doesnt feel 'in my same class" or good enough for me. I figure he is freaking out and there for has been playing it cool.
I havent heard from him for the past four days. I dont want to be annoying. I txt him 2x, email 2x (one with my flight infor) and then call .. I get no response. He does not answer. I go on the chat line under a different name and all of a sudden there he is.
We shoot the **** a bit. He then tells me, "well on a more serious note.." I knew it was coming...
He tells me he met some girl at work and they have been seeing eachother the past couple of weeks but that he didnt know how serious it was until this past weekend. He says that he has been feeling sick to his stomach about it all day.. but that she shouldnt.. he CANT see me. He says that if I lived there things would be different.. but that I dont live there.. and that after all.. its just chatline.. Today is MONDAY.. and I am to fly there FRIDAY,
I cant breath... I want to cry and scream. ..I feel like I have been punched in the gut. I love him he hurt me so fricken bad.. I want to scream this but instead I say, that I understand. I am hurt but not mad.. I am happy for him. he said that he will help me make arrangements.. my plane flys in at 11:30 pm on Friday.. I have no taxi, no hotel now.. I am left scrambeling. He says he feels awful but now he cant cheat on his girlfriend.. I DO understand this. He says he hopes we can stay friends.. I tell him me too. I tell him if he still wants to hang out as friends when I am there it is cool.. he says he needs to think and will 'sleep on it"
Later on he sees me online. I look like ****. He has caught me crying ... I wipe my tears and he stares into my cam. I want to scream LOVE ME DAMN ! He ask if I have been crying and I tell him I am fine. I ask him about some hotels as I am now looking online. He helps me minimally. He says again he is sorry. I tell him to go to bed and the he leaves
I wonder if she is prettier, thinner, nicer then me... I wonder what he would have been like... I have dreamt of this day and have PLANNED and now it is squashed! I wonder.. is there REALLY another girl? I bet ya.. there is. I wonder why would he tell his online friends he is FALLING hard for me.. when he had been dating someone else?? Will he call me when I am there?
But mostly I wonder how I could have been so insanely stupid. How could I believe that cyber love could work? Why didnt I stay more guarded?
I put A LOT on the line.. maybe it wasnt all for HIM.. maybe it was because I know the place I am in now is not good and HE was my way out.. Im not sure
All I know is this hurts reall fucken bad!
I get on the plane and fly to his hometown. I have made arrangement to rent a car.. got a hotel. I sit in silence on the plane and I feel so alone. Strangers try to talk to me and I just politely smile and attempt to make small talk back. They ask me why I am flying there. Is this for business or pleasure? I dont know how to answer. Not business, no pleasure. I tell them I am meeting friends.
I get off the plane and walk down the long hallway. I am hoping that has played an evil trick on me and that he will really be there.. holding his arms out to me... or at least feels bad enough to meet me at the airport. I scan the large lobby. I do not see him. I walk slowly through the small airport wondering if perhaps I have missed him..or maybe he is watching me from afar. I go get my rental car and continue to walk aimlessly around the airport. Then it hits me. He is not coming. He does not care.
I get into my car and drive to the hotel. I feel so very alone. I crash. Cant keep my eyes open.
The next day I txt him. I have resisted thus far and just cant take it anymore. I tell him "I am here. Your town is small. I am not sure what I am going to do tommorow' He responds, "its beautiful this time of year, have fun and enjoy" I cry when I read this. Like a stalker I drive to his work, he works in the lobby at a hotel.. I just want to see him. I act like I am a guest. I walk around.. he is not there.
I cry when I get back to my car.. then say **** THIS!!! I put in my navigation system NYC. It is only 2 hours from here? hmmm.. I drive and drive .. cryings and ranting.. and before I know it I am going over some HUGE bridge into the city. I drive in Queens, Yonkers, Go past central park., get lost in HARLEM (and cry a lot because I am scared) I drive into time sqare and then get pulled over by a NYC PO. He asks what I am doing and I tell him I am going crazy and need to leave. He tells directions... I leave NYC. I laugh all the way back to the hotel..
I get dressed up and go to the hotel lounge. I meet two random strangers from down south. I think thier accents are kind of cute and kind of funny. we drink... then I drive them downtown where I again look for internet boy. I tell the southerners my story.. but it doesnt seem sad anymore.. it seems funny. I look for internet boy in the bar.. hoping to see him.. I want to punch him! I am drunk and lonely and one thing leads to another.. and before I know it I am back with one of the southerners at the hotel. I dont need to get into details.. just saying the best part was the cuddeling.. feeling close to someone.. ya someone.. not sure of his name. I feel bad I have never done ANYTHING like ANY of this in my life.
The next day I drive back to the airport.. I get on the plane.. then I remember I forgot to look at internet boy at the airport....