Your Head Or Your Heart?

God placed your head above your heart so that you would make the wise decision.
I've heard a lot of people say this and I'm not sure if this is true. Of course some of you might say follow your heart but we also know too well that letting our emotions overrun reason could put us in peril.
I've been introduced to a 45-year-old man over a year ago. He has been too busy in his work that he overlooked his love life and realized too late he needs a family to spend his money for and complete him. He went to visit my country for three days for the purpose of meeting his possible soul mate. I was the possibility. I told myself why not try and meet him, get to know him, and who knows? I didn't meet meet him on the internet but through an acquaintance.

We spent time together one short afternoon. We went horseback riding and that was my first ever. It scared the hell out of me and I was close to ending up in a cast. But it was a great experience for me. I never realized that you could command horses like that. They're intimidating and brilliant at the same time. I wanted him to experience how life is in my city so I asked him to ride a jeep. He didn't like it. Up to now, I have been wondering why I turned him down when he said we eat though I was starving to death. I guess I was just afraid that he would spend too much money on me.

He tried to be intimate with me but I don't like guys who move too fast in such a short time. I didn't make this obvious to him and I successfully found out gentle excuses why I couldn't do this or that. He was okay on that.

I didn't learn a lot about him that afternoon. His English was limited and we had a hard time understanding each other. What I know about him are these- he's an atheist, he smokes, and is a very private man.

A few hours before he was to leave, we ate at a restaurant together with his twin brother and sister-in-law. They speak better English than him and they told me that if I liked him, he'd buy an engagement ring that same day and will be back after three months to marry. I looked at him but he couldn't look at me. I hate to disappoint these two good people in front of me and I know that they're expecting me to say yes. I already know what the answer is: NO. It's just a matter of having the nerve to say it. Since I was a child, it has already been so hard for me to say no to people. I'm worried that if I did, I'd be rude and make them feel lonely and rejected. I don't want to let others feel that way so in spite of myself, though I didn't feel happy about doing something, I say yes...even now. It's hard to break the habit. So that time was hard for me but I thought about my future. I tried to imagine spending the rest of my life with this man... who is as old as my father, bearing his children, serving him, giving him my all. Then I said that this is too fast for me and that I need time to think about it.

So he left without assurance from me. I felt guilty too. He had to take a three-day off from his busy schedule to meet me, cross the seas, spend some.

His sister-in-law encouraged me, telling that I could learn how to love him through time. I'm a very lucky woman because this guy is a nice man, has a good job. He'd give all his money to me and I don't need to work anymore.

We continued to email each other until I told him that I don't like him and that instead of waiting for me, he has to look for another woman to marry. He stopped emailing me then.

A couple of months ago, I emailed him. I was just really concerned about him. I know how he feels and he's in a rush to marry. Now, we are emailing each other and I think his brother and sister-in-law are getting the wrong message. But now, I'm considering it. May be I'd learn how to love him. Teach my heart how to. He invited me to his country and his message was I'll go there, expenses paid, as a "friend without load." I couldn't help but smile at this remark.

My family has a lot of problems now. My parents even want me to marry him. I couldn't believe they could just push and give me away like that. But I understand. These days, a woman uses her head, not her heart, my father says. Practicality is the key to survival.
I know he is not the solution to my family's problem but he could save me. He saves me, I'll save my family, make my parents' dreams come true. Make my dreams come true and I promise, I'll be a good wife to him.

Everything is so clear to me until I've met this guy..the one I've wrote a previous story about. I really like him and I could see my future with him. He isn't sure about me but I've been considering the possibilities and the if's. Would I give up my religion...everything I have believed in since a child,throw everything out the window, for this man? Is it alright with me to be just one of his wives? I'm torturing myself with these things even though I know everything between us is just up in the air..

That's why I really need him to answer me truthfully.

Who am I really to you?
I don't mean to push myself to you but I really need to know where this thing between us is going..
Sorry, I don't mean to rush but things are just moving too fast.. My man up there is not getting any younger..
And you have just started but you're not young anymore.
So tell me...
If No then I'll settle down. I'd know what to do next.
If Yes then I'll put all my trust in you.

This is the whole story BadBoy9, if you're reading. I love your advice but I think something is at stake here..

ldybug ldybug
3 Responses Jun 27, 2011

There are certanties I'm affraid. But marry for Love. Not lonliness.

Oh Honey. <br />
<br />
I feel for you. YOU are the only one that can make this choice. If you have felt nothing for him I don't honestly think that in time you will. You have to be happy yourself before you share happiness with someone else. Sounds like you are being influenced by everyone but truly you are the one to make this choice. <br />
<br />

Hi - yes I am reading this. This guy is about the same age as me (and you are about the same age as my daughter) so I will try to look at this also through his eyes.<br />
<br />
My first reaction was to worry that you might be being pushed into something that you might not really want.<br />
<br />
This is a big thing. There are a lot of differences.<br />
1. The man is from another country<br />
2. There is a language barrier (although one or other or both can always learn the other language)<br />
3. He is older - enough to be your father,<br />
4. He is an atheist<br />
<br />
None of the differences are insurmountable individually. I myself am in a mixed-race marriage, my wife is African whilst I am English. However, we are of similar age, and both Christian (although different denominations). The differences have caused difficulties, although we have mostly overcome these. The different culture, outlook on life, and different values particularly cause problems. We have different views on what is right and what is wrong, and this is difficult. However, the differences also give some interest to life. On balance, I think if we had had any more differences (e.g. a different religion, or different ages) it would not have worked out. My fear for you is that these differences might not appear to be a big deal at your age (I did not truly appreciate the difficulties these differences would cause when we got married) but may loom large in years to come. All those differences together stack up to quite a big issue.<br />
<br />
I am also a bit worried that you are being pushed, not only by him, but his family and your family. BE STUBBORN. It is YOU that must decide, you cannot marry him because someone else wants you to. Take your time, don't be rushed, and back out if you don't like how things are going.<br />
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You say your head comes above your heart. But you will need to love that person to marry them, especially given all the differences between you. I think both your heart and your head need to say yes if you are to go ahead. If your heart says yes and your head says no, or if your heart says no but your head says yes, then the answer must be no.<br />
<br />
Is this someone who, if you were not to marry him, you would spend the rest of your life missing him like you had an empty place in your heart?<br />
<br />
There is no need for haste, you are still young, many now get married at 30 or more years. Time is on your side, although it may not be on his side. At my age one becomes very concious of the years going by, one starts seeing the dark shadow of death on the horizon, not close, but still there nevertheless, This can make one hasty to do things because time is running out. You are not there yet.<br />
<br />
I can't advise you whether to go ahead with this man or not. Only you can do that. Not me, not your family, not his. However, if you were my daughter I'd be quite worried and concerned.<br />
<br />
The main message I want to give you is - don't be pushed around, make sure it is really what you want, that you love him and that you are sure you can deal with the difficulties that certainly lie ahead.<br />
<br />
I hope this helps. I'm not a relationship counsellor or anything like that, all I can give you is perhaps an independent perspective on what you need to think about.