I Can't Live Without His Love

I have been married for 31 years and have been unhappy for the past 10 years.  I am stuck in this marriage because financially I cannot make ends meet right now. I have 2 daughters who are married and living away from home but are still nearby. I am financially strapped because I helped someone who I loved and still love.  He is a friend of many years who lived nearby.  When he moved away with his family I was devastated. I had loved him silently for a long time even though he was also married. He is also one of my husbands best friends.  After he moved away I made every effort to stay in touch by phone, visits, holiday gifts etc.  When he and his wife separated I was estatic.  He used to call the house to talk to my husband and myself frequently.  Over a space of a few months I was the only one in the family that he talked to and we would be on the phone daily for hours.  My fantasy dream had always been that he and his wife would break up and we would be in a relationship but never felt that it would actually happen as we were separated by 1000 miles.  Then it happened!. He received a DUI, was arrested . At this point in his life he was literally living from paycheck to paycheck with no extra.  His company nicely laid him off instead of firing him.  I helped him out as I could with living expenses and court costs although he did get workmens comp through the lay off and was very frugal with his money so financially it wasn't bad.  Then it happened again! Another DUI! He called me in tears and despair at 0530 to give me the news. I flew to him that day and brought him back. Yes, he was living with both my husband and myself.  Things continued to grow between us and eventually during one of our many trips back to the state he received the DUI's we started to have a relationship.  We got away frequently by ourselves and enjoyed each others company very much. Then he moved 1 hour away to work for a relative.  He was gone 8 months. During that time we saw each other frequently, took trips together and lif was good.  He moved back 8 months later as things did not work out with the relatives job and got a job here. He became moody most of the time and our time together was limited to stolen moments for dinners, movies, etc. as my husband was becoming suspicious. My last memories of happier times was 1 1/2 years ago when we took a trip to Alaska.  It has now been 3 1/2 years since I went to bring him back to my house.  He has 2 jobs.  The last job began last November at a facility with other employees.  His primary job was a contractors job and he worked alone. I have done everything in my power to help him in every way possible through court, jail, and emotionally and we remain good friends but things seem to have changed between us.  Although he doesn't see his coworkers socially he is constantly texting other female employees. I know that he is pouring out the "poor me's" to them and there hasn't been anything sexual but I guess I am jealous of them.  He races each evening to text them but does not have the curtesy to return my calls and texts. Now there has been another tragedy in his life and I have been there to pick up the pieces as usual.  I feel that he is using me but I love him just the same and can't imagine life without him.  I am employed professionally and have never had an affair before he came full force into my life but I can't get over him. We have not made love in over a year now and I am missing our close contact.  I have been in therapy, on antidepressants and have even tried suicide.  I know this is riduculous but  Ican't move on with my life. I know that someday he will leave my house and move on and it puts me into a panic attack.  I'm not sure what to do to help me get over him if that is even possible.  I would love to hear from others regarding their experiences if anyone has lived in a situation such as mine.  Any suggestions would be appreciated because I am going out of my mind!
lonelyanduncertain lonelyanduncertain
51-55, F
1 Response May 4, 2012

Is as if you're telling my story just that my friend doesn't live with me. I know what you're going trough it feels like there's no escape. But the actual escape is the fact we can't continue lo ke that and is either leave the husband or leave the friend.