Marriage Is Not What I Thought It Would Be.

I got married when I was 25, that's 10 years ago. I have two beautiful boys. That has been the most fruitful outcome of my marriage. Infact I believe for anyone who get kids out of marriage that's one thing they rarely regret about. When you devote this much time and energy it feels like you should get something in return. Well I have my kids, and I think that gives me gratification in more than one way.
For my husband it was a love marriage, he saw me somewhere in a party few years back and thought I 'll get married to her. For me it was an arranged marriage. From where I belong it's not uncommon to have arranged marriage. I was 25 my parents were determined to marry me off soon. I thought well o.k I'll give it a shot. I'll learn to love. I had a rare example before me, my parents. My mom and dad only met once, a week before they got married and they were one of the happiest in love couple I had ever seen. Don't get me wrong I did see a fair share of fights, but usually it was because of my mom's in laws. They always troubled her, bothered her. My dad's family was quite possessive of him, and that created tension between my mom and dad. My mom being the perfect housewife bore it all.
I thought if their marriage worked out why wouldn't mine. Well I got married in 2001 and moved to Canada from U.S.A. In 2002 to be with my husband. It was nice, he showed attention and care. I was happy. More than that I was relieved that I took the right decision and married someone before I even loved them. I left my school, I was learning to be a pilot. I use to do horse riding, jet sking, I left everything behind to come to my new husband.
Nine months into the marriage my husband sponsored his mother to come and live with us in Canada. That was the start of my downfall. Since e day she landed she asserted her authority over us. She made sure I knew that he was HER SON first and then my husband. In our culture usually the aging parents with their children. I have no problem with that if they are sane enough to live like normal humans. She gave the run for my life, fight after fight, quarrel after quarrels. My pregnancy, my health didn't matter to any of them. My husband being the only son felt this burden of answering her each call for attention. He made sure I knew I came second. Once in a fight, in front of my family he declared if he had to choose between his mother or me, no question about it he would choose his mother. That was when I already had a 3 month old baby with me. Imagine the pain I felt. I gave this guy a blank shot and married him, and this is what I get. Once 8 months into pregnancy we had a fight (always because of her) and I left the condo, because he had made sure I knew he will never make his mother leave, I went to a hotel and stayed the night and he stayed behind with his mother. To this day and forever I will not forgive hm for that.
And now 10 years into marriage with two kids, 31/2 and a 8year old I am still in the same position. It has been a 5 months since his mom for the first time in years have gone to her home country to attend a relative's wedding. I took a sign of relief. But now for past two months his behaviour has changed again. He dosen't talk to me much. Never said I love you in past 2 years or so. He think well he knows I don't want her back in my house so he has Become reclusive with me. We don't sleep in same bedroom. He works till late night mostly from home office and then sleeps right there.
I don't know what to do. I am such a romantic person. My heart is full with love but I have no one to give it too. He doesn't want anything with me. But, wants to stay married just like this. For the kids, I guess. I believe he loves me but conditionally. Only if I keep his mother with us for the rest of our lives. How fair is that, I don't know. I just don't know.
I guess what I want is not important, I want to romance, to spend nights talking, to hold each other forever,I want us to travel, to enjoy each moment in life together. Once in our time together I want him to pay attention to me. Love me like there is no tomorrow. I believe I will have to keep wishing, and maybe spend all my life just like this, a hopeless romantic with no one to love but only a family to care about.

uzma007 uzma007
3 Responses May 12, 2012

I can totally resonate with this story.. except I chose to marry the person I am with..we dated on and off before that and in the end he approached me and said he loved me and that he couldnt see a life without me so instead of saying yes to an arranged marriage, i went with my comfort zone although my intuition was telling me otherwise.. and now after maybe 7-8 months of marriage, i feel so lonely.. we dont hug..we dont hold hands.. ive been with this guy for 10 years.. and he doesnt show me an ounce of love.. sometimes, i just crave to be held.. to cuddle.. i have so much love to give but he doesnt want it is how i feel.. and unlike your case, where your in law posed the problem.. my husbands life is about sports and his friends.. he's secretive and mysterious about his actions regarding them and i just hate that.. he also has a past with several girls that he doesnt ever come clean matter how much i confront him.. he has also hit me twice...once, really badly to the point that my face swelled, there is no room for divorce because i come from a very traditional family.. and plus, i chose this for my life.. i always considered myself to be strong but i am slowly breaking down.. i will be seeing a psychologist for the first time tomorrow..wish me luck with that..

Everyone deserves to live a happy and full life. If he can't give you this life empower yourself and find something that will fulfil you. Stop thinking about his needs, I know it's hard to be selfish as a wife and mother, but put your needs first. If you are happy your children will be happy.

hi there. I am so sorry to hear about your ordeal. I have never met anyone who had an arranged marriage. I know it must be hard to have your mother in law live with you. I do not know if you work or if you have a college degree. maybe you can build your life and do something for yourself. you can take advantage of your mother in law's being away and reach for your husband. Try and have a serious conversation with him. Tell him how you feel and what you need him to do for you. You need to put your foot down... It is never too late to demand change and to seek harmony. listen, your kids will be OK no matter what you do. you just need to be informed and aware of the consequences of your steps. If I were you, I will first talk to my husband, and then to my parents to explain to them how I feel and what i want my husband to do for me. If my demands are not met, i will move out and seek a separation. in your case, you need to make sure that you can get a decent job in order to provide for your kids. You stayed in this marriage for 10 years, old habits are very hard to break. You endured so much, yet you enalbled your husband to treat you poorly. it is hard for men to change. just be informes and prepared when you approach your husband. You need to change your life. Nobody else will help you. You make your destiny. if all fails, just know that two happy households are better than one that is unhappy. Be strong!