Fell Out of Love
Hi, Sorry this is so long but i have to vent it out!!!
I am not one to post stories about my personal life on the internet...but I am really at a loss. My husband and I just got married about a year and a half ago but we have been together for seven years to date. We have no children, and we bought our first home almost one year ago. I think my problems first started a month before our wedding. Thoughts kept coming into my mind saying "you know your not going to be with him forever, why are you marrying him?" I new it was wrong, but I convinced myself I was just having cold feet and that it will all be fine as time goes on...after all he is a great guy. That and I couldnt stop the wedding now, everything is all paid for and our families came from everywhere to be here...anyways I went ahead with the wedding, and dont get me wrong I was happy...he is a great guy who i do love. Its just our love has been different..not so much in love, but love like i would a brother or cousin. At the time of our wedding, his younger brother (21) was living with us...and left us with no privacy at all. He was always around, and I would go to bed alone while my husband would stay up with his brother. We never really had alone time until we bought this home. Which as soon as it finally was just him and I, I realized I cant do this anymore. Before this if felt liek I was living with my best friends..the reality of the marrige set in. I felt trapped and was wondering what have I done?! I wasnt 100% sure what was wrong with me so I never said anything to anyone. Him and my family noticed something was wrong with me but I didnt want to talk about it. I just avoided him at all costs...I would go to the park or the gym after work and then go to bed. This wasnt right of me I know, but I was trying to figure out what my feelings were. Finally I opened up to him. I told him that my love for him had changed and I wasnt sure what to do. He was very upset that first night. We tried marrige counseling, that did not work. I want us to remiain friends if nothing else and the counseling just made me upset with him. Then we decided to do a trail seperation of our own. We would still live together, but lead seperate lives. And let me tell you I love it. And I feel guilty as heck about it. I go out with my friends, I'm going back to school..I feel like I'm me again and am getting the life that I want back. I do feel guilty that I have been talking to a male friend...and I must confess I have developed feelings for him..but at the same time I cant stop talking to him. He knows that my husband and I have been "seperated" for 5 months now, but him and I both still have respect that technically I am still married. Finally my husband and I talked about getting a divorce, and remaining good friends. But now here I am with the paperwork to fill out and I find myself numb inside. Its what I want but I cant bring myself to do it. I know im still young...26...but I find myself questioning if i will ever meet another nice guy who will be there for me the way he is?? I love him and I dont want to hurt him....but I dont think I have the strength to do this to him......he loves me so much :(