It Felt Lonely, At Least

Looking back, I don't think I ever really was alone.  It was a feeling I got comfortable with after putting up with on-again, off-again bullying at school.  I learned to find solace in my own counsel and to enjoy things I could do on my own, like writing, listening to hockey on the radio, or going to a movie.  I still had a few friends at school, who I enjoyed spending time with.  Not all the time, though.  I wasn't that cool. 

A lot of the time mom was very depressed and couldn't handle me and my brother, and her second husband turned out to be a loser and often someone I didn't want to be around.  My social network outside of school primarily took place at my favorite comic store.  I wanted to be one of the cool kids there, but I was a nerd (enormous rimmed glasses back then -- they took up half of my face), and didn't always follow the latest cool comic series.  I developed my own taste for what I found interesting.  I made a few friends there, though, including the store's owners. 

I think much of my alone time was self-imposed.  I decided I wanted to write, and would sequester myself in my room with a small metal typewriter (okay, we're getting into my teens here), instead of going out and enjoying the sunshine.  Too many fantastic stories swirling in my head, scampering for space on the page, you know?  Getting into social situations felt awkward.  I felt more in control when I kept my own company.

Some people are real social animals, I know.  I wasn't.  It felt lonely sometimes, but it wasn't always bad.
UnderEli UnderEli
46-50, M
1 Response Jul 28, 2010

Yeah, I get a bit nervous in a crowd of people I don't know. Kind of like everyone's putting me on the spot. I'm uncomfortable with that much random attention.