Baking a Cake For Myself

22nd of the worst birthdays I've ever had. I don't have a lot of friends here at college and my family lives far away. I invited a few acquaintances over to eat dinner and help me celebrate so I wouldn't be physically alone.

I also baked my own birthday cake. I told one of my classmates this a couple of days after the fact and she commented that it was very sad for me to have to make my own birthday cake. I agree, but it would have been even sadder if I didn't have a cake to eat at all, because I knew full well that there wasn't anyone in my life that was going to take the time out of their day to bake one or drive to the store to buy one for me. It was very much a form of self-preservation making my own cake.

I talked to my sisters and my mom on the phone and they asked me how my birthday had gone. After I told them I had made my own cake I wanted to cry when they became quiet, searching for the right words to respond to an undoubtedly unstable self birthday cake baker. I wanted to cry and tell them that I was so lonely and was so hurt that no one at this university of thousands knew that I needed a birthday cake. I wanted to yell at them for living so far away and assuming that I would be able to make friends in this environment.

But I didn't cry and I didn't act sad or upset. I told each of them that if I was the one that had to make it then so be it, that is just the way things happened to work out. At least I got to make it just the way I wanted.

As I was writing this I started still really upsets me. Maybe because I have unreal expectations of what a birthday celebration should be. It has always been a dream of mine that I would have a big surprise birthday party thrown for me. Attended by tons of people that care about me, complete with a cake that says Happy Birthday _______, we love you! I feel really selfish saying this, but it is something I want so, so bad.

bluepepper bluepepper
22-25, F
7 Responses Apr 5, 2008

Maybe you're just expecting too much. Same thing happened to me in the past but now I have become indifferent to my own birthday. <br />
<br />
Trust me, you'd be surprised one day when people will present a cake to you on your special day. That happened to me once and I was so touched tears formed in my eyes.

plz don't ever think that as an unreal expectation, and it's not even close to be saying selfish, no one wants to be alnoe, how could that ever be selfish?<br />
Trust in yourself, <br />
hey, you r just 23, c'mom, you still got too many birthday waitting in the line for you,<br />
who knows how next year's gonna be? <br />
U might be just like a shinny star on the birthday party next year. :)

you could spent that day without a cake and pretending to be all happy on the phone with ur family but u did not and u said "At least I got to make it just the way I wanted" so things could be a lot worst so don't feel very depressed over it and I hope u have an amazing birthday next year.

To divineandrogyne: If I were you I would not bake my own cake, that's just too depressing. :)<br />
<br />
I hope you find something nice to do, there's still time!

To dblongwo: That's seriously a really good idea! I wonder how I could go about doing would definitely take some thinking on my part...<br />
<br />
I am really inner-focused a lot of the time and I agree that if I were to shift that focus towards making other people feel good it would make me feel so much better. Thanks for your comment!

I have a thought that may help this scenario to never be repeated ... but it requires a little effort on your part. You said that there are "thousands" at your university. I'm willing to bet that there's someone every other day that's introverted enough to end up spending their birthday alone, not having friends, acquaintances, or cake. Do some research, find one of these people among the invisible masses, and take the time out of your schedule to bake them a cake ... spend a couple of hours with them on their birthday, and help them enjoy the cake you made for them. I GUARANTEE (or your money cheerfully refunded) that this little exercise will be 1000 times more fulfilling than baking your own cake was. Hapiness is funny like that ... the more you give away, the more you own.

I'm crying reading this. This sounds a lot like my last birthday. I'm trying to figure out how not to have a repeat next weekend. I totally understand how you're feeling about wanting a surprise birthday so bad. I've always wished I had people who cared about me enough to throw me a big party, and every year I get sad that I don't have that. It seems most people don't make a big deal over birthdays anyways.