Why Cut?

 

I started to cut after my mother died suddenly.  I needed to feel in control of my out of control life.  I know I need to stop cutting, because if I do not stop then I will need to go to the hospital and I do not want to do that with two wonderful children and a husband of 30 years.  I wrote a poem explaining my feelings   Why Cut? 2008   “Oh…this cut? The dog jumped on me.”   “Why long sleeves during the summer? I’m cold!”   Why am I sad? Why am I upset?   So why cut? The same reason people drink booze, Or take drugs, Or don’t eat enough or eat too much.   This is how I cope with the pain of strong emotions, Intense pressure, or upsetting relationships. To cut is to let go of the sense of Withdrawal and emptiness.   The blood takes the place of my rage, sorrow, Rejection, desperation, and my emptiness. Cutting is a mask That I use to had my loneliness.   Cutting is like “Old Faithful” The pressure builds up without Release until finally at its most Resistance pressure it explodes.   So I cut. And often I don’t realize it Until there is a bloody mess. It’s an impulse that can no longer be stopped. No longer am I numb to my inner self; For me this is a self-awareness.   I couldn’t talk about my mom’s death, So I cut about it. It’s like a knot in my gut That I can’t undo.   Don’t stop me; don’t even try. Because if you do I will just do it more. The cutting has begun and now it controls me.   So you ask if I’m cutting again? Don’t. I will only lie. The cuts are healed and now there are only scars. But these are my scars… My history, my memories.   I want to feel better. I don’t want to end it all. Don’t get mad at me or reject me, Or lecture me or beg me to stop. I need a friend who will care for me. Who will allow me to know that I am not alone.   The hardest part I have started…

Admitting that I cut.

jackieparrott jackieparrott
46-50, F
1 Response Oct 2, 2009

First, you are not alone. There are many just like you. There is help. Do make an appointment with a shrink. Now ! There is no shame in doing something to get ones head cheched out. That went out the window in the 60's. Make yourself whole and Then lots of other things will fall into place. Make that appointment NOW !!