Depression, Loneliness And JealousySo far Ive been alone since I was about 13, Hardly any friends at all an out cast in secondary school (High school but you leave when your 16)
My mum calls me a waste of space, time waster, Just want a social Life or im not interested in anything apart from having fun, believe me when I say this but I hardly have any fun what so ever, my problems started getting worse first year of college, Hardly knew anyone college was 3 days aweek anyway went through that year without problems, then the following year which was ahigher level from my last course in business, I meet two friends but we hardly went out after college hours, had a few laughs but that was it, This year is extremely worse, also what Im trying not to do is go in to extreme detail with this lonelyness thing just want to get to the main point which is this.
Since the start of my thrid year at college I was hoping to spend more time with others than feel alone all the time but now I keep thinking its impossible plus when your 18 you obviously got hormones but with me loneliness has taken to a new level where I seriously want a gf, Not someone to have sex with but a relationship with, only to escape the feeling of being alone and want to be loved. So the first thing I manage to do is get extremely close to a girl but started using me as her personal baggage, dump all her problems on me then i backed away from her, now she calls me an *******, after i was there when her boyfriend ditched her, she dont like me in that sense anyway so that pissed me off, one of my mates from last year likes a girl in our class, but shes not interested in anyone, yet when she blatently told him in his face she could never ever in her whole life be with him and she said it in such a casual way, I feel bad for him coz he is in the same boat as I am but he is more open when he says he wants a gf, even tho hes got brothers and sisters mom and dad, I only got a mom and a fat cat, ( chubby myself but not that chubby)
the pain of loneliness grows each day and what tops is off is when we found another friend, last week, both of my mates got a girls number, the one whos in the same boat as me, she stopped texting him just to talk to the other one, I felt bad for him, But on saturday there was a free hugs campaign the three of us went, got a few numbersand facebook pages, anyway I liked this girl so I tried talking to her, she instantly stopped talking to me to go out with my mate who got the girl last time, this made me extremely jealous, emo and furious, but the same time Happy for my mate, They go on one which is the first one today they met properly and he manages to make out with her 3 times on the first date, Once again I feel extremely inferrior All I could think about was ending my life knowing no happyness will ever find me, I just want to start cutting again, Yes I am emo, but what ****** me off even more, is that I can never have the emo look, its like not in my nature to be the depressive type, its cruel that I can not even look simply miserable or sad, But developed a keen way of being fake, No one will know there is something wrong with me unless I go silent on them.
I have always been dreaming and wishing never to be alonesince the age of 12 but college is now getting the better of me, I am struggling, I am even now failing my thrid year, I passed the last two years but this time i can no longer stay in the same subject for a 4th year this year is the last then im calling it quits, its bad enough the college rejected me for going into the 3rd level of business and made me do level 1 and 2 (level 3 is A level standard) So I worked so Hard to get in to this year only to fall in to pits of suffering, My mum even saw what my friends looked like, she was even honest to say my mate the one whos in the same boat and problems I am in, he was better looking but you know as they say **** happens.....But is it supposed to be continous? people can give me advice on how not to give up but for **** sake people I dont want any hypocrites in here you probably dont even take advice yourself, you probably tried everything in the book yourselves and nothing works what are you supposed to do? I have control where my life goes, But I have no control over my hormones and emotions, I have no control over if someone likes me or not, I cant control if i will be alone or not, I choose not to be alone, and yet I am alone, I dont want to be alone anymore, I just simply want the pain and suffering to end. I go on forums, I go on facebook I go on websites lik my yearbook etc to find someone who lift me out of this misery, I thought If I went on dating websites it might help, but the overall problem is Loneliness, I go out, I do all sorts of crap on my own, but it justs gets worse, I cant even update my facebook page anymore or bare to tell my friends, family whats going on, I know for a fact they never have been in this boat before why? coz they all got married at such young ages thats why and they are happy.
sorry for the readers who forced themselves to read this, I Just needed to vent out on here....