At My Wits End

 I'm 27 years old and I have dealt with depression and the feeling of being alone for as long as I can remember. I'd don't remember ever truely being happy. Sure I've had small bursts of happy moments in my life such as when my child was born and the day I married the love of my life but no long term moments that ever lasted.
  I had my first suicide attempt when I was around 9 years old. Luckily I didn't succeed. I am sad and lonely but I have no desire to want to kill myself anymore.
  Recently my husband (my love of 11 years) and I separated. It was my decision but absolutely devastated me. I didn't want to ever leave him. He was and is the love of my life. I have never and could ever see myself with anyone else nor do I want to. I want more then anything to work things out and be with him once again. He has made significant progress with the things I told him were the reasons I needed a break. I have told him my desire to want to work things out but I can't get a straight answer out of him and his actions confuse me and leave me even more upset.
  I feel so alone and I can't stop crying. It has been over a month but the feeling gets worse by the day. I am no closer to getting over him or being able to let him go. I've tried hanging out with friends, finding things to fill my time but to no avail. I can't get him off my mind.
 We still live in the same house but he's not around often. At first he slept on the couch but has since moved back to the bed with me. We don't do things often but he has asked to cuddle with me and we have done sexual things 4 times since the separation, the most recent being this morning. Two days ago we had gotten into and argument because he said he felt I was pressuring him to make a decision, all I had done is told him I loved him and wanted to be with him, so I told him from then on out I wouldn't say it anymore nor would I try to touch him (even a hug) but then last night (the fallowing day) he cuddles with me and when i woke up this morning he was touching me sexually.
 I have been nothing but heartbroken since we separated and now that he tells me that he's not sure we can work things out I'm distraught, but when he touches me I can't say no, I don't want to say no but it leaves me feeling confused and even more hurt cause i'm left asking why?
  I feel alone, unloved, hurt, depresssed and a little angry and I just don't know how to cope. I can't eat very much, when I eat anything I feel sick, I barely sleep, I shake alot, cry alot, I get headaches daily, I can't concentrate.....I just don't know what to do. Moving on just doesn't seem like an option, even so I don't know how.

mizzT mizzT
26-30, F
4 Responses Apr 3, 2011

thanks, i wish there was a magic wand to fix life

I'm sad for you both.

seems like he has actually changed. I keep trying to find reasons for the strange behaviour but I have no answers. He avoids my questions and I'm left with mixed signals.

There is an old adage that says, "A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change, and she does. A woman marries a man, hoping he'll change, and he doesn't." So, my quetion is, did you change, or did he fail to change?