I Guess Im Meant To Be Alone
i have never had a girlfriend , i only have a few friends and i cant talk to them about anything like this . i have an older brother who is loved by everyone even kids that are my own age its like they like him more than they like me everytime someone talks to me its usually about my brother at school everyone knows me by "his brother" . and when people talk to me about something else its either cause the never met him or because i have something they need but when they do meet my brother or im out of what they want its back to bad mouthing me . my grandmother always talks about my sister or my brother when she talks to me and usually says something like "why cant you be more like them " or "they probably know more about it than you " she told me once that i had no life , no friends , and that she questions my sexuality and it stuck with me till this day . i attemped suicide times before and they say the same thing "hes probably just looking for attention" . im always the joke at school , any friends that i get i cant keep cause they find some one better to hang out with . i try not to fight , and i get called a coward for not doing it . i feel so alone , i feel like im going to do something crazy one day . im thankful i have no weapons at home cause im so close to the edge . everyday it seems i do something for everyone to laught at , i feel like im just meant to be alone like i was made to live like this and when it comes to socializing i mask my emotions with the anger i have, like i dont let people see that im weak but they know somehow and they keep pushing me and laughing at me . and above all , i have an alcoholic father who wants to move away and i dont get to see him that much anyway. my only solution seems to be the one i cant find. i guess im meant for noone to get close to, just to be alone.