I Hate My Life :'(

I don’t know how to describe my life well .. I’d say that it’s miserable!! So sit comfortably cause it is going to be so long and btw thank for reading this it means so much to me that someone actually gives a damn **** about me .
My life is full of sad events and bad people  I’m just 18 y.o but I went through so much sadness I don’t know even from where to start :I hate my body I won’t say that I’m fat but a have a big belly and big legs so it has been 4 years that I’m covering my body with maxi clothes and I keep eating and feeling guilty after consuming so much junk food well I guess that you’re gonna say that I’m the typical teenage girl who hates her body but hold on there are a lot of things that make my life so sad and empty!
I’m very shy with low self-esteem I’m afraid to go out cause I’m so scared of the others I feel so insecure I guess because I was beaten by my father when I was younger and it’s not just physical abuse it was only emotional he used to beat me for the smallest things suck breaking a glass by accident or not obeying to him I was traumatized and still ,when I was younger I was forbidden to talk with boys or my father would kick my *** cause it isn’t what a girl from a good family should do WTF? Does this make any sense to you ? and when we went to the beach I had never worn a normal swimsuit I was all covered this way I wouldn’t attract anyone what the hell how can I attract anyone at 7 or even 8 ? and he is ALWAYS making fun of me cause I’m so immature and I don’t have any experience and he is always telling me that I’m fat that my shape is like Oprah ..
Till this day he is still criticizing my way of clothing which is too tight (I’m always wearing baggy clothes) and telling that I’m useless ,we barely talk with each other we just say good morning to each other and I’m nice to him just when I want him to pick me up (cause I don’t have a driving license he said that I’m still a child to drive aghhhh) he is always mad god knows why , he retired 6 months ago so he is always watching his television , I guess it’s more important to have a meal with his family and to chat with them a little bit oh and by the way we NEVER eat together cause mom is busy and when we do it always finishes with an argument about the silliest things on earth..
I had never had a boyfriend ,nor kissed anyone nor anyone liked me before, I had a few crushes but it was just physical attraction nothing important no feeling at all (my only best friend always tells me that I’m so cold )well I’m not I just didn’t find anyone to really love me that’s all so for her I’m the PROBLEM? It’s easy for her to say this ,she had so many boyfriends and everyone likes her cause she’s pretty,sexy,funny,outgoing, blonde,………………….
I have one older sister 400 miles away from home since 2 years she is rebellious so used and still causes problems and argues all the time with my parents,she steals my stuff ,totally selfish, doesn’t about the feelings of the others,heartless:well a ***** ,she’s my total opposite , all I know is that she hates me (I already knew it and said it as well) . two weeks before I went to see her cause it was her birthday on the 1 st January so I went there and was treated like a maid :I’ve done the dishes ,washed her clothes, cleaned her house, took care of her pets,saw my clothes in her closet but but I shut my mouth,I spent all my money on food cause miss is a total greedy person I bought her food so I couldn’t buy anything for my self ,well I bought a small cheap purse but she took it I couldn’t say anything cause it was her birthday and my mom always tells me to be nice to her I don’t know why cause she doesn’t deserve .. and when I was there she brought her ex-boyfriend (who left her like a scumbag for another girl who is wealthy and she came back to him now) and his friend eating from the food that my mom pays and sleeping in the house that my mom rented for her they’re living with her for free and when I try to talk to her about it she gets mad and said that it wasn’t my business ,those ******** are always drunk and they smoke weed all the time …and the last time I told that it was unbearable she told to pack my things and go back home she treated me like **** no one has ever treated me this way ,I know that I deserve what happened cause I was the one who wanted to go there .. one night she started to cry and told her jerk of boyfriend that I made her so sad so this way she’d be the victim I slept in the living room in the cold without a blanket  how can she call herself a sister I gave all I had helped her aound the house when she was busy at school but it didn’t mean anything to her such an ungrateful person…
My mom sent money when i was there to buy what I needed and to buy a little present for my “sister” but she took it and yield at me cause I didn’t buy her a birthday present well her boyfriend neither ..
It has been two weeks that we didn’t spoke to each other well I hate her so much I’ll never forgive her it’s better this way ..
Well my Mom is always mad and busy with her job (she hates it she is a teacher) she has never encouraged me never she is never satisfied with my marks she never showed us any affection nor love (neither my father)….
I took a gap year to relax a little bit but I keep gaining weight and feeling depressed , a went to a psychologist but it wasn’t useful just a waste of money and time .
Conclusion my life is empty full of sad events,no friends, no hobbies……
lovekorea lovekorea
22-25, F
3 Responses Jan 10, 2012

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My view is that depression is a nutrition and exercise problem. Over 90% of serotonin (the good mood chemical) is produced in the gut - not in the brain where doctors tell you that you have a chemical imbalance. You also need good gut bacteria, sunlight for vitamin D and exercise to boost your endorphins.<br />
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Boosting your glutathione is also necessary. Low glutathione is associated with over 70 diseases, including mental illness/depression. We loose 10% per decade as we age so it is associated with aging. Glutathione is boosted with nutrition and specific supplements.<br />
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To get motivated with exercise, buy a pedometer and a heart monitor (less than $150 for both) and log your daily results. Aim to improve each week. In a mater of time, your depression will lift.<br />
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I know the above because I have proved it many times in my life.

I understand this **** completely <br />
selfishness,denial, and greed <br />
i plan to be a teen psychologist ,,not one that's all official but one that listens and states what's on my mind and try to help.<br />
and from my point of view ..make your own road and find a place inside your own mind to be yourself also look for a place that private that you can go to, to do whatever the hell you want to do. <br />
and get a backbone ..if your always putting up with **** and not speaking about it ...one day your gonna snap. For your father dont be afraid of him make sure he knows that your not afraid to call the police or beat him up yourself. <br />
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If you need someone to talk to or to just vent PM me ..it may take me awhile to reply but I will <br />
I also have a sister/Friend that you can talk to -.- if she doesnt mind xp<br />
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But I'm always here for you ..but work on your Back bone