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I Fight Depression and Loneliness Everyday

19 and can't stay happy

By: anonymous9219
Written on February 4th, 2012
I'm 19 and in college I just always feel like there's someone prettier or funnier than me and I try so hard to be happy and sometimes I have good days but many days I just get so low I feel a hole in a my heart. I'm always on the brink of breaking down, the littlest thing pushes me over to my eyes welling up. Currently it's the loneliness; I want someone to just hug me and hold me for a day to make me feel better. Also, it doesn't help that my friends can my very self absorbed like I'm always the designated listener but sometimes I just need to be the one being listened to. I was bullied in Middle School which made me so insecure, and I always seem to think of it in early spring because that's when I caught the worst of it. Sometimes I'm kept up at night because I always feel like there's something better I could've done in almost every situation and my brain won't stop picking apart everything I say or have done until I'm overwhelmed with embarrassment.

Sorry it's so long, I just didn't know how it was supposed to be.
By: anonymous9219
Age: 18-21
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    HiddenFallenAngel
    HiddenFallenAngel

    you pretty much described me. well what i was like last year. now i dont see my friends because i'm tired of listening, anytime i tried to talk to my friends they'd make it all about them again and it sucked. i always lie awake thinking of things i could have done or said differently and find it difficult to sleep. in the middle of my classes this year at college i've tried so hard not to cry. but sometimes i cant stop the tears. but nobody notices. i'm sorry you feel this way.

    Feb 5, 2012
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      anonymous9219
      anonymous9219

      Yeah one thing that sometimes helps me calm down is that noone really thinks of me or what I do as much as I do so odds are they didn't take note of whatever "stupid" thing I said or did. Also, I find that drinking makes it worse cause it lowers your inhibitions at the moment but the next day you still have your same old brain that will punish you the next night. But for real people naturally look at themselves under a magnifying glass but noone else looks at you like that so don't sweat it!

      Feb 5, 2012
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      HiddenFallenAngel
      HiddenFallenAngel

      i've stopped drinking with people i dont know because i always say the wrong thing. i cant keep quiet when drunk.

      Feb 5, 2012
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    americanidiot87
    americanidiot87

    I can relate to almost every word you have written. I'm not in college but I'm in high school and school in general is a lot of pressure. I don't think I get my depression from school but it doesn't help. I always feel as though I am in a competition and I hate that my mind tortures me in that respect. Knowing I have to get up and put on my 'fake' mask makes me burst. None of my friends know about any of my problems. I don't think it is worth the time to tell them. But I would love to tell someone exactly the way I feel but I just can't. Some of my depression steams from being a perfectionist. So that plague really helps nothing but exhausting your self. Long story short, I can relate and sorry for the book of a comment, haha. Hope it helps.

    Feb 5, 2012
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      anonymous9219
      anonymous9219

      Yeah that post actually felt really good to get everything out there but yeah the competitive feeling is just the worst, but I mean like everyone always says; there's always going to be someone prettier, smarter or whatever but there's noone that has exactly what you have/who you are, so be happy cause you're prob awesome.

      Feb 5, 2012
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