I Should Get An Oscar....

I'm 16 and if you met me, you'd never ever think that I'd ever be depressed. Nothing traumatic has happened in my life to make me go down into depression, but every damn day of my life I am. It started ever since my two bestfriends changed to a different school, I wouldn't eat at lunch, I'd just go to the library, and I'd skip all the time, so bad now that it's so hard for me to catch up, and I'm a sophomore. Everyday I'm around everyone, I'm so socialable, and I smile and laugh, but as soon as I'm alone, even if I use the bathroom, the smile fades, and it's just me and my thoughts. Nobody knows at all, and my friends think I'm ignoring them, but I just don't wanna be around anyone, and I don't like going to my extra activites after school, and I'm irritable, and I've started the bad habit of binging, and EVERYTHING sets me off. I freak out over the littlest things and one thing will make me skip school and stay home all day. I just wish someone would ask me if I'm okay, or anything, and I've tried to hint around how tired and sad and how much I eat, but all I get is I'm just a teenager and that's it. I'm so tired of faking this, because I'm not okay, I take sleeping pills to knock me out at night... I just need somebody, and there's nobody here for me...
deleted deleted
26-30
5 Responses May 4, 2012

also Ive done every self inflicting negative/harmful abuse in the book. drugs (all sorts, esp the worst kind), anorexia/bulemia, cutting, scratching, burning, attempts at suicide, over excersise, even minor-ish prostitution (im a guy :/). more and more and more, ive been through em all and im legitimately surprised im still a coherent, stable, still human being, with any kind of semblance of a life. all those things, did nothing but give me a short reprieve from reality, only to come biting me in the *** ten times worse so that every time i came back to reality....I needed a bigger and more destructive dose of whatever behavior I was into at the time. that mentality lead to worse and worse and I probably should have died ten 30 times over from what I did to this poor body of mine. Im not ashamed of the scars, if people see them I pretty much oogle them untill they turn away, but i do regret doing them. all this was a downward spiral since 7th grade when i was 11 yrs old. Im 20 now and its been around over a year since ive done anything bad and looking back i realize (and u will too, cuz u will make it =]) just how dumb and stupid I was. the prospect of my family and friends seeing me dead and lifeless made me happy, but the feeling i got from thinking simple things like a movie or a walk in the park wld never be possible if i was dead and buried. thats when i started taking joy in the smaller things in life. but back then I was really just crying out for help and others will never realize why I didnt just say "hey mom Im just lost and confused and could really use some help here," and to be honest I'd have to agree with them. i still cant lol but at least now i know I could if i rlly needed to.<br />
by no means am i trying to steal the spotlight or make u feel bad for me (anyone can find someone whose had it worse). all im trying to say is ive been through so much and the only thing that helped was getting help and practically forcing people to help me. besides being such nice people all the time and giving them all that we have to offer, i think in our times of need, helping us out is a fair trade. dont hurt urself to hurt others, cuz rlly ur only hurting urself and unless you change it, ull get addicted to the pain and like any other addiction, u build up a tolerance. I have so many health problems, internally from all the abuse i did. Thats my reward for what i thought was supposed to help me. its not worth it

im the same way or was at least. I had a "traumatic" past and for years and years i put on this facade. it was as much for me as for them. Like a test to see if they would notice and help out, but also because I couldnt just come out and make it seem like I was asking for a pity party so to speak. I still havent worked through all of it, but trust me when i say that if u do nothing and keep bottling this up itll get worse. I have so many scars, different meds i need to take, lost friends to the point where im better off describing everything I still have than everything I lost. It seems that ur on the same boat as i was. that being, my biggest mistake was expecting people to come to me and notice how much i was hurting. trust me on some deep level those close to you know something is up, but theyre either too scared to admit it or just want to give u room, because they probably think thats what u want and need.<br />
Let me just make it clear that you have people who love and care about u, kinda a bad example, but in all honesty even Hitler had people who loved him. if a man like that could be loved then someone as deep and sensitive as you should have no problem in that department. the sooner you realize your not alone, that u do need help and you do want it and w/o it that life of yours that you feel has no meaning, but of course it does, like me u want to end the pain, suffering, and hardship, but your afraid of the emptiness that would follow.<br />
Instead of always thinking of all the hurt in a bad way, be happy that u loved and cared about w/e is bothering you enough to feel any emotion at all. your definitely one of those people who just cares so much that any sort of pain inflicted, whether it be on purpose or just sort of indirectly happened that you 'have' to feel something. I know and so many others dont realize just how u truly feel because ur always happy, smiling, nice, and doing for others. the ones who havent noticed are selfish people, but that is one thing you have to climb above and say I'm so much better than you (in ur head unless u want to **** them off :P which is totally fine if thatll help). like ur friends who think ur ditching em are too busy whining about what ur not doing to make their lives more fulfilling and ur problem is caring about what they think. take some time, well a lot of time, as much as you need to center yourself. I never wrote but write damnit lol, all ur hate ur feelings and anger and sadness, write it all down. then once ur ready have someone that u love, trust and respect read it. once theyre finished, tell them you want help any help that can get u outta this rut. Thats the first step and after that youll see your path and every decision u need to make, to get better. best of wishes

i think that alot of us feel the same way, we show others that face of happiness when they are around but we are alone, our true face comes out. sadness, despair, the feeling of being alone and not wanting to be, or not wanting to be around people for no reason at all. i call it wearing masks, the mask of happiness, the mask of laughter; everyday i wear one of these masks to hide my true self and most of my family never new i was depressed or seeing a therapist, until i had the courage to tell them. you are not alone, people do care about you. sometimes you just need to take the first step and find the help you need before it becomes too much to handle. hang in there and be strong.

Hey carlyann8, maybe you could explore a little more about why your world feels so upside down since your friends left. Maybe this is a learning time for you so you will be able to help someone in the future because you know how it feels to feel so empty and alone, who knows. I remember feeling alone in school and it was a miserable feeling. I'm so, so sorry about the fights with your mom. I'm a mom and I both want to be a support to you, and I know the pressures of being a mom. I remember being a teenager and just wishing my mom would try to understand me, and be involved. Being a mom now I can understand the pressure and the loneliness sometimes of being a mo<br />
To kids. Depression isolates everyone, makes them feel so alone. I hate how depression makes me more selfish, when what I really want is to help someone else out. Anyway carlyann8, I can feel that you are really precious, and when you are alone and no one sees your sadness, just pretend I am there to see it and i understand it well and still think well of you, and because of that you will know there is a purpose to all this, it will turn into a strength for you.

So, what bothers you this much, is it your close friends leave?