The Lonely Wanderer.

I feel like ****.

I don't feel like doing anything.

I can't be bothered doing anything.

I just waste my time on the internet browsing useless things and attempting to keep myself from thinking about life.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I thought I was motivated to change, to make my life better. But now I am back here again.

I'm hungry, there's nothing to eat and I can't be bothered looking for something toe eat.

I wish my life was better, but I know that I have to do the work to get there. But I simple, don't, care about anything anymore. 

I just try get through the day, I wake up to go back to sleep. 

I planned to make today a productive day but I just ended up rotting at home. 

I didn't want to have to get ready, to dress up, to have to see people, happy or sad, to have to think, to have to notice how miserable my life is.

I just want to go to sleep, forever.

My dreams are the only thing that sustain me.

I'm just tired of living, it's such a chore.

 

I have no sense of identity.

I have no sense of purpose.

I just feel like an autonomous robot going from day to day running on nothing more than just a drop of hope, that maybe by some serendipitous event that something magical will happen and my life will all be okay. Wishful thinking is all it is.

I just, have no motivation to want to go on.

I have no reason to live, if i were to die today I would had nothing to leave behind, no friends, just family. I feel so insignificant. 

I recently noticed I started sighing a lot, like excessively sighing. 

My future just seems so meek that it be stupid to even try and I know I'm just giving excuses for myself.

I honestly just don't give a **** about anything anymore.

I don't know if the internet has been a savior or a curse for me.

And now I sit here with my face buried in-between my hands, wondering why I have turned out like this. Feeling like a total failure, I just want to cry, feeling like a total waste of space. 

I've been here so many times before, alone, in the darkness of depression that it has become like a second comfortable home. Never having had another person to rely on, I learnt to pull myself through times like these but a mere human can only take so much. Every machine breaks down eventually, and this human is a very broken one. Been through the wears and tears of life, without respite from the harshness of life, without any rest in sight. 

When I try and reflect on previous happy memories, I cannot find any in my mind. I don't know if I don't have any or simple my mind has rejected them but I have tried several times and I can't find anything and it makes me sad. Though my most memorable memory would have to be when I had to part with my dog because we had to sell him off, he was the only being I felt I could trust and when I had him taken away it felt like I had lost a piece of me. I cried and I tried to convince my parents not to sell him but they proceeded anyways. My last hour I spent with him would have to be the most memorable memory I have because I truly felt free and didn't feel like I was being judged, I felt like I actually meant something to something else. I felt I was somebody. 

I guess when you have been going at life alone for such a long time, you just naturally drift into your mind and shut out everything outside. Every person I have ever relied on in some way has let me down, whether accidentally or not. I just feel like an empty walking shell, a lonely wanderer through life.  Where my footprints through life will be as easily removed as they were made. 

innoc3nt innoc3nt
18-21, M
1 Response May 18, 2012

Keep your dreams as your focus. Instead of focusing on what you don't want, or how bad life feels...and believe me...I know the misery and desolation of this, turn that thought around, and think of what you do want. Of course, it's easier said than done, but it can be the start of changing your thoughts. It is our thoughts that affect how we feel, for the most part. And just hold on because you know that your present circumstances will only last for a limited time. I'm working on some strategies in my own life. The first one, I used yesterday, just to get me out of bed. I did have a more productive day, but the pain came back. We just have to find ways to get us through each day, and hope that new thoughts and a different perspective will, one day, bring us what we need to relieve us of this suffering.

Please see someone...a counsellor or therapist. You need help with this depression, and I'm not talking about medication necessarily, but don't be alone with this. Just sharing how you feel with someone else can give some relief.

I'm seeing a counsellor and a psychologist haha but its not really helping