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Pain, Pain, Go Away, Please Don't Come Back Any Day.

I read a lot of self help books, and a reoccurring idea is to "try to be positive". "Think positive and you'll feel positive," that's the message it tried to teach me. I tried, I still try. However I realized that I was just lying to myself. I'm not happy. I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy. Sure being all smiles and laughs makes my "friends" lives better. Then again if they can't accept my negative side, are they really friends? NOPE. They don't really care about me. When I feel down, there's no one to run to. They only like the fake, happy me. Which I understand because who wants to be with someone that's depressed all the time? It's even more depressing that even by trying to act happy, people still don't want to be around me. I guess I'm not a very likable person. Sometimes I even fool myself into thinking that I'm happy, but once I realize that it's all fake...it hurts even more. I try to think of all those people that are starving, dying, struggling to live, and try to remember that life is good when comparing myself to others. At least I have food and shelter, so why should I complain? I can't help it though. This depressed feeling won't go away. No matter how hard I try, it lingers in my heart, laughing at me, telling me I can't ever be happy. Then I laugh to myself, and wonder why should anyone care anyways? I'm not important. If I died, would anyone care? But I know I can't think that way. I have to remember that life is a blessing, and I shouldn't be greedy. I can't help but be greedy though, I just want someone to understand! Someone to be there for me. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll always be alone. Scared that I'm not capable of being loved. Scared to look in the mirror and hate the person I see. Scared that someone might be able to see who I really am and realize that I'm ugly inside also. I just want to be happy.
Unbloomed Unbloomed 16-17, F 2 Responses Jun 18, 2012

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What happens to me is I genuinely feel better around my friends but at the conclusion of whatever outing it is, I plunge back into my depressive state. <br />
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There are several things I know I need to do that seem out of reach for me that once I reach them, I hope to feel better. <br />
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I have several stories posted about my battle that I am willing to refer you to see if we can help each other understand our respective battles.

I feel the same way as you do. My friends love me for being happy and positive. I look cool to them. But deep inside I am hurting. Everytime I try to be the real me - sad- they dont even want to listen or care for me.