Sad Alone Lonely

19 year old female. Pregnant. No friends. Messed up childhood.
So this is my life, sadness loneliness and emptiness are the three main thing which it consists of.
After 19 years of suffering and pain i still don’t receive happiness. Happiness, just a word to me, never felt true happiness. Never once could i say to myself "yes! I’m truly happy". will i ever get to experience happiness in this life, has God made my entire life path an unpleasant, fruitless, depressing and LONELY experience. should i keep fighting or should i give up?
Give up, i shall never give up. Love Happiness Joy. three things i crave for. three things i have never received. I will FIGHT until i reach my goal. My unborn child deserves a life unlike mine.
Am i fighting a battle which I’m destined to lose...
Running seems like such a therapeutic activity. Running far, far away, away from this misery, away from this loneliness. Running to a place where everybody greets you with open loving arms and smiles. If there was a place like this i would have ran years ago. There’s no running from earth. No way No how. Caged in. Cant get out. I am trapped in tight uncomfortable ropes.
I lust for the day i can be truly grateful for the lessons i have learned in my miserable life, Lust for the day i wake up to my beautiful soul mate who loves me as much as i do love him. Lust for my children smiles and hugs. Unconditional love.
Lust for Love.

thank you for reading. I hope you understand the context of my story, there is hope for us all xx
zezariah zezariah
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 22, 2012

:,,,,( ;,) Awwwww, I simply do not know how I should begin to accurately respond to this most deep, heartfelt and compelling admission. Words are temporary ineffable, for your words have both rendered my heart as crushed an empowered, crushed because I just feel so awful for you, hun, and empowered, on the grounds that you are a fighter and therefore commendable. I am going to implement as great of a magnitude of sweetness, sympathy, empathy and consolement as I can so that I might evoke your smile. I will attempt to make my response as succinct or as brief as possible, and if if it should supersede that presumption, please know that it is because I possess a massive, loving heart, which seeks to secrete an exclusive byproduct, the resonations of love, and the medicinal remedy, the reassurance casted unto others, most especially females, that their fragmented smile will not be, indefinitely. :) <br />
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You will have a recollection of a 21-year-old college Associate (I just recently graduated from college), whose fruit is by a first impression, irregular, and was seemingly grounds for the quizzical ex<x>pressions upon the faces of his peers as well as bullying and detestable, hurtful insults that would not lessen in severity. It is my sincere hope, that I will be able to buy you, that smile of relief, gratification and confidence that I can see that you long for. It beckons, but the storm is a ferocious, leviathan beast that is staging a relentless attack on the psyche. The psyche is a critical element of the psychological core and should not be tampered with. Now, please, please, I do not want your tears of sorrow to return after having read those previous words, as I am going to make a connection with what you have endured. :) I promise you, sweetie, that you are not alone, because I brandish the very colors that you do, the colors of sadness, loneliness and periodic bouts of depression even, that have produced an anvil of sheer guilt and regret that tediously weighs down on me.<br />
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Since the very dawn of middle school, the days when which I was filled with great trepidation, and my confidence was curtailed, I was essentially inferior and secluded by the alpha males, if you will. The infamous cliques and bullies thrived on my insecure and shy demeanor; as a result, with everyday that passed and with every breath I expended, profound fear loomed and a sense of safety and security was strongly absent. Though I made a conscious, valiant effort, a smile could not occupy my sad face. :( To synopsize this piece of my response, I was fortunate that some of these endurances dissipated. But to my dismay, throughout my high school circuit, one bullying instance occurred during my freshmen year and the only friend that I have ever had within New Hampshire, simply abandoned me. :( Moreover, I do not have one kiss or one girlfriend to my credit, such that I am a virgin. I have never endured those "magical feelings", that adrenaline rush. I never had the gumption to attend a dance or prom for what function would it have held for the single, adolescent me? Surely, I would have been fr<x>amed and further exploited as a misfit, but buy the pompous, inconsiderate tongue: some of my class, the class of 2009. <br />
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To this very day, I have zero friends, and a deep, em<x>bedded void within my heart. I believe that my very idiosyncrasies are the culprit for why I continue to tread the path of loneliness, but for unjustified reasons. It may also be because I must contend with autism. :( For you see, my classmates and most people in my age bracket simply cannot discern me; they cannot understand my heart and identify the gift that I have been bestowed just after conception. That being, the gifts of caregiving, loving, inspiring, aiding, writing, and songwriting. They can only issue an audacious prejudgment without scratching the surface for the true fruit, that I am too, an invaluable member of this society. Accordingly hun, people such as you and I owe it to our hearts, dreams and aspirations to lay those very prejudgments into a tomb stone, to bid them goodbye, and to prevail, even at the discretion of melancholy, a pessimistic fate or the pejorative utterances from those who do not possess a heart, possibly due to a number of extrinsic factors. You must never sell your pride, your smile, your soul, your anything, for you are, an invaluable member of this society, and as I previously stated, your calling beckons. :) <br />
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There is a facet of hope and faith that should reside in each and every heart, the very key to excel, transcend and succeed. Never give up, give or surrender no matter how grave the circumstances are. :D I love the fruit of my person and for the first time in a decade, the palled light had dimmed and stars have never lit up stronger than they do now. :) I want to unearth my sweetheart, to kiss her, to love her, to adore her, to forever cherish her. I want to be affirmed, that one day, the flame of passion will burn eternally in my favor. Our resiliency from these happenings fuel our strength to muster that initiative. Strength is a staple; it is affiliated with self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem, which builds over time. I do have faith in myself, and I have the very same faith in you, because I can clearly see that you are of the sweet disposition and you have a wonderful heart. :) You should be extremely proud of this because that, in and of itself, is a gift. To this ultimate conclusion, as I hope you can see, the true fruit of my heart. :) I additionally that my kind advice has served as a means for you to smile once more. My response, as I expected, manifested into a college term paper, but it is the true testament from one of many people who care. Once again, I commend you, for finding the courage to share this undoubtedly painful, troubling experience. You are an excellent writer and have inspired me to smile and continue traversing the challenges. Thank you so much, and I wish you the best of success and happiness in your future endeavors. :D Have a great day.<br />
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With the utmost sincerity,<br />
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Arron, <br />
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AA: LIberal Arts, <br />
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Phi Theta Kappa International Honor Society: Alpha Chi Epsilon