This Is Me

i did not stumble upon this sit, i looked up for a place where i could just share my story.
I don´t always feel bad, sometimes im ok....but when i do feel bad its very weird....i start remembering all my conclusions on life, they suck.
Everyone hits that point in life where they think theyre made for more than what they are doing in that moment, like as if there was a true significant reason for thei existance...
i never thought that..i am sure i was born into a mediocre world filled with underachievers, and cattle like people, me included. I aspire not for greatness, nor recognition..i do not believe i was meant for more... I actually believe there is no reaosn at all for my existance..i´m only one more from the bunch of people who are on earth taking uo space, oxigen, wasting resources....
i walk next to my body, observing it, cause lately there hasnt been much emotion at all..its like i react as if im feeling something, but its getting harder and harder to act as if i cared, its clumsier, less fluent.... Knowing im no good, that i do not excell at anything, and knowing that it has been because of me that my life has no greater meaning is all my fault i guess...but i actually do not wish for more.....i scare my mom everytime i say i wish the mayas were right and the world would end soon..but it would be too good to be true..for i do not want to die because my life is miserable...i just want to stop living because im not really alive...
anilatac anilatac
2 Responses Sep 5, 2012

I know the feelings, especially the part about walking beside yourself observing... I get tired of people's typical response of "hang in there, it will get better" or "keep your head up"... I was diagnosed bipolar with severe depressive episodes about 6 years ago. Truth is it sucks. Sometimes it takes everything in me just to get up and do what is required and that is only the minimal! I want to sleep away my life most days. But in reality, you just can't do that. I have weeks at a time that I'm ok, but I also have weeks that I have to tell myself don't worry about tomorrow, just today for right now. I can only handle 1 day at a time. I try not to dwell on the things I have no control over, although I often feel like you and question my purpose of this life. I have been suicidal at times, not that I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't want to feel the heaviness and pain that is always there lurking. I can only tell you that it does get better eventually. It's not a quick or easy road by any means, but look for the light at the end of this dark, scary and narrow tunnel that we know as depression. I hope that helps just a little!

This is the exact thing that i feel.