Troubles

Hi, i am 20 years old and everyday i feel completely lonely, without love, and without happiness.. Everything got worse when i got dismissed from a prestigious program last year. Coming from an asian background, the expectations were very high with a lot of stress for a lack of a better word. I was raised by a single parent, my mom who was widowed when i just turned 3. When my mom found out i was dismissed from the program, she was furious and came drove down to my school everyday for a week and cried and begged the people on the board for leniency and forced me to do the same. I felt shameful more than ever before for my actions, as i was dismissed from not meeting the minimum gpa requirement. Ive never cried so much for so long.. And felt so alone. I felt like an utter failure, the most stupid, irresponsible person in the world. I let every one down, and my mon started drinking and calling me to jump off the george washington bridge. I had no one to comfort me and never did. My mothers way of comfort was belittlement and down talking about how all i care is about having sex and drinking everyday. And that people like me are the people that fail and contribute nothing to the society.. She says it out of love i believe. But it is only hurting me. Every day. Ive cried myself to sleep countless times and had many thoughts of ending my own life. I have stopped contacting people that were in the program with me and had to lie every time that my interests in the career has changed, and that now im pursuing business. Every time i meet a new person i had to lie about my past and the present. I had to cover the pains in some nonsense language tht came out of my mouth. I didnt tell any of my family members or cousins of my situation and everyone still thinks very high of me and is jealous. I stopped contacting my family members and cousins. I hve stopped trying to hang out with friends or have fun. I felt like and still feel like i dont deserve to have fun or be beloved because im a failure, and because im just a stupid person. I cant get that ever get out of my head. And i am so down and lonely. As i transferred to a new school this year i am even more lonely because i do not know anyone in the new school and is commuting. The only thig really that is helping me get by everyday, is the small hope that i will be able to get into the program in another school. The entrance exam for the program is in two weeks. It is wierd the feelings that i am feeling. I want to make friends, but i dont want to. I dont want to expose myself perhaps, or let people find out of my failures. I am scared of the world, that i may make another mistake. And no one to help me. Ever. I am not sure what i have wrote so far because this textbox on my phone only shows the last few words that i have wrote, but these are some of my feelings and thoughts that i am struggling with. I hope by maybe reading this, that others may feel not as alone, as i hope to feel that by reading other peopls stories.
Pcatty Pcatty
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 11, 2012

I understand that this program is prestigious, that means only a few get selected in the first place. Which in turn is evidence of the fact that there's something in you that can make you do it. Now you have taken a fall and you have wounded yourself. Will you not feel pain if you repeatedly open up your wounds? give yourself time to heal. Have you ever felt you cannot walk ever again just because you took a fall and hurt yourself?<br />
If the goals that you have set for yourself seems achievable, then they are achievable. <br />
Loneliness can be good thing sometimes, it gives us time to talk to ourselves, to know ourselves. Try to witness your thoughts without making any judgement; try to analyse why your mind keeps thinking the negative thoughts. Take a third person view of yourself. Love yourself.