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A Crap Life

Everyday i hate waking up i dread it. same old crap going through the motions smiling even if i dont want to i have a family but feel i am taken for granted eveyday i still feel as if i live alone at the moment i am even having trouble feeling happy about anything and considered many times suicide. I am on medication everyday but seems to not work i feel i exsist not living. I know i could not take my own life and put my son through that ever as my mum threatened and took pills on many occasions which sticks in my mind alot from my childhood. I hate my mum because of that i dont want him to feel as crap as i did when i was young. I do cry on many occasions on my own and i think is this is as good as life gets for me. I was when younger physically and mentally abused by my mum which has knocked my confidence throughout my life. I feel very very abnormal compared to other people i see paople smiling enjoying life and i feel that i hate living. Prehaps i should book myself into a mental hospital now ready for later on???
mamdo2 mamdo2 36-40, F 44 Responses Sep 22, 2012

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Could be (only a qualified professional ca diagnose) you've inherited a depressive condition. And it is exacerbated by your childhood traumas. Your meds don't seem to be working so suspect the prescribing physician is not well trained in the area of mental health.
You do not have to feel the way you do. It is treatable. But you have to do the homework to find a competent psychiatrist or psychologist and follow their instruction, including medicine and counseling therapy.

I would like to share my point of view on this. I am sort of uniquely qualified for this for two separate reasons.

Reason 1; my mother battled depression for as long as I can remember and it eventually got the best of her, she killed herself when I was 12. She said she was waiting until I was old enough, but I do not believe that I was old enough for that. Losing your mother leaves a void that can never be filled. Some people never properly cope with it. The hardest part for me was blaming myself for her suicide. I was convinced that if I knew the depth of her suffering, maybe I could have saved her. I realize now, that it was never possible. If you won't stay alive for the sake of your own children, then nothing is powerful enough to keep you alive. I just wish I got to know her as a person. I have memories, instances, but no idea who my mother was when no one else was looking. Thus it would be much kinder to not put your children through that.

Reason 2; I have been battling depression on my own for most of my life. Every night I would beg not to awake, and every morning I would awaken, disappointed that I have to face another day. My mother's suicide played a large role in my decent into depression. It wasn't the only trigger though. I just kept believing that my mother had the right idea, that death must be easier than living like this. Approximately one year after my mother's death I attempted my first out of many failed suicide attempts. I suddenly became very ill, I had given up on life and my body was failing for reasons none of the doctors could explain. It was only after I overcame my depression, less than a year ago, that I started regaining my health. So I understand both sides of the coin. I understand how unbearable the emptiness can get, and I have also felt the pain caused by the suicide of a mother.

I cannot judge you, your choices are your own and you will do what you feel you must. I am not advocating either choice, there is no right or wrong choice in my opinion. I just though I should share my perspective on the matter, so that you may reap benefit from knowing the outcomes that lay ahead, regardless of your choice. I find myself increasingly thankful that I did not die when all I wanted was death. Yes, it may have prolonged my suffering, but out of it I learned that it doesn't have to be like this forever. I realized that there is life outside of pain. Now all those years that once tormented me have come to an end, and its all just a bitter memory. I beat depression and live a happy life now, and all the pain I endured on my path was worth it. Life is more amazing than I ever gave it credit for, and I believe that you can beat this depression too. If not for yourself, then for your son. What doesn't destroy you only makes you stronger and I believe that your story can have a happier ending than mine.

Look for reasons to be amazed, one could be your child. Be glad that you are not doing to him what your mother did to you.

i can relate to your feelings i still suffer to day for the mental and the physically abuse i sufferd at my mums hands

We will always wake up and think we're going through the same motions each and everyday. Due to if we go to School and or work and don't enjoy it. It could have to do with the people around us also. It is a good thing you recognize who you would hurt someone else in the family if you did take your life. I just went through a big depression yesterday and made a very bad decision. I would get a therapist or someone to talk to. I think I may need the same now. :l Get some help. And don't think you're crazy for it. It happens a lot to people. =
God bless you.

†Alexandra

you can always check yourself in at a hospital. Your meds are not working and you need talk therapy with a great counselor along with meds to control your depression.

Ok I know I am very young but I want to help you. I was depressed for a long amount off time, I didn't eat sleep or do anything I just sat in my room wanting to be alone and left in the dark, because I thought no one like me , but now I have someone that really cares about me, I want to know more about you so I can help you. Now how old is your son

A sanatorium aka sanitarium can do a lot of good. Was a very good concept introduced those days like a resort, where people take off from family life and cleanse themselves spiritually.. But the modern medicine has just ruined our life.. and we take treatment only for physical ailments .. but keep ignoring the spirit, which never gets healed.

Hi, i will be very honest, i want people to be happy when i am happy, and when i am sad and lonely, i envy people who are happy and jolly.I think thats human tendency.I dont think mental hospital is the option for you, if you wake up everyday thinking that life is a challenge, u wont enjoy the day, just wake up thinking that future is uncertain,hope for a good one, take care

Mornings are the worst, staring at another day of meaningless nothingness. Are you only on meds or doing therapy too? I don't believe in meds without therapy.

just med :(

I don't know much about the States, but it seems you guys get meds prescribed pretty easily, but have a harder time getting therapeutic help? In Sweden few people believe meds is the answer, not even the doctors. Meds are only an aid while in recovery, and recovery usually needs to happen slowly and agonizingly in therapy (and through self help/realization). Meds never really helped me, but years of therapy did.

I feel like crap all the time. I never experienced happiness in my life, I dont smile, I dont laugh, always head down, I dont feel anything funny, it's a life of sadness and I wonder "what the hell am I doing in this world?". Thinking about suicide all the time...

yes i think about it everyday its very hard :(

Hey don't be like that some day you will be happy , this is just a very short period in life, try going to church.

People like you deserve to win the lottery

yes i do :)

yeahhhh i think i should this week x

I am glad the thought of your son is giving you a reason to continue living.
My son is the onlyperson who keeps me on this earth.So donot give up. Continue
loving your son and keep on living for him. He is definitely worth living for. I do understand how you feel and what you are going through. Sometimes everything
seems too hard to cope with and then I think of my son and I manage to keep going.
Please donot give up hope. xxx

I feel the same way.

Have you anyone with whom you share your thoughts & emotions on a regular basis? A problem shared is a problem halved...

i relate very closely to some of that, add me if you want to chat some time as i cant add you. life is way too hard at times for alot of us, sending you big hugs xx

so sorry you feel this way.

Hey keep your head up, i know this feeling and its hard to walk away from it. But their is hope believe me when i say and i hope you feel better. Try different things until one that will bring joy but don't give up. All the best

God I know that feeling all too well. I wake up and think "Godamnit, I'm still here" almost everyday. I exist, I don't 'live', and I also have a young child. So, that means I also try an plaster on a fake smile an make do as best as I can. Meds don't work for me either and I've found that even though I hate being around people when I feel like ****, going out an interacting with friends helps far more than the drugs. I found a reason for waking up relatively happy in the last few months and actually laughing and smiling. So there's hope for you. There's always hope. I hope you find a reason too.

we have lot in common

oh you have a crap life too xx

oh that is not good, so sorry to hear you are hurting so much. When your childhood is stolen you get to your 20s and you start paying the price for there sick crap. Wish i could take your pain away.. Dont give up..

Keep strong - focus on your child and remeber how you felt when your mum was driving your life! - You need to fake a smile - put on a brave face and find a way to stay positive. keep focused and good luck - I know you will find a way to conquer this!

I can understand what you're saying. It really sucks. Have you called a hot line? At least you can talk to someone understanding about how things are. It sounds like you really need help. I failed at suicide so don't even think about trying that one! Please try to talk to someone that can understand and help you since life can be sweet if you just can figure out how to put the bad stuff behind you. Be kind to yourself.

OMG, I'm trying to contact you to cheer you up & all I get is a message that you don't accept communications from outside your circle. No wonder you're depressed! For goodness sake open-up 'mamdo2' & let someone like me teach you optimism & happiness! :-)

teza would you contact me?

Same problem, you too need to change your account settings if you want to be contacted. Sorry, did try. Tezza

I could write a whole 10 page essay as a reply to what you wrote. I feel (and get) every word you say. I know you may not be able to believe it, but there are good times ahead, it's just managing all the pain, loneliness and BS in the mean time.

Hang on in there. You'll be glad you did.

I hope that didn't sound like a pile of patronising poop.

P.S. I like to laugh too :o)

i hope it gets better i dont want to be a misery :) i love laughing tomuch

Oh ,you weren't kidding there were you *hugs*

We all have times in our life when we wonder why we have to walk down this path, if you want to talk to someone I am here for you.
((((Hugs)))

aww thank you xx

anytime (((Hugs)))

your on EP it's the same thing except you can have more fun here and get your desires satisfied,,lol

Iwent through the same thing as a kid its not your fault and you are not alone maybe getting some therapy may help i would not go into a mental hospital once you sign your self in you may not get out i would stay in the world get proper meds for your depression get out of the house you will meet ppl you see them at library,s shopping at dance clubs i use meds for ocd anxiety adhd and depression i am doing good right now don,t ever give up there is a n answer GOD will show you the way good luck stay in contact i care , vinny

I'm so sorry that you feel this way mamdo. As an alcoholic and drug addict, I spent most of my life in some degree of depression. $ years ago I tried Interferon treatment to cure my liver but it failed and I lost 35 pounds in 3 weeks and fell into a BLACK depression which lasted for close to a year. So many nights spent smoking cigarettes on the front porch, feeling that I would be better off dead. Like you, I would never act on those feelings because I have children and grandchildren. I came to a few realizations that helped me crawl out of the pit, slowly. Even with the breakup of my 40 year marriage last January, I have been able to move forward with my life. I recently stopped taking both the sleeping pills and the anti-depressants that I had been using for the past 4 years. I am clean, sober and in recovery now, and though life is not always happy, I can deal with it. There is hope, mamdo...