I Am A Failure

will this ever end? I feel as though I am at the end of my tether and I cannot go on… I just want to run away somewhere so far from everything that I know that I can maybe forget this life. I am an intelligent person and so am fully aware that my mood and my behaviour are directed by my improper thought patterns. I have taken a course on how to correct this. I have medication to chemically aide this process by stimulating my brain to change the way I feel. I have talked until I can talk no more, to myself, to my family, to friends and to people who are somewhat detached from me. The resounding problem seems to be that although I have every tool available to me; I won’t use them and so I continually feel worse. Racked by a daily weight of guilt for not helping myself and those I love, for the terrible mistakes I have made in recent years and that have affected those closest to me.

I have always resoundingly stood against suicide as an option for myself for the sole reason that I could not bear to put anyone through the pain of losing someone as I know people would suffer if I did that. I still stand by that choice. There is always hope for somebody like me whose problems are pathetic. But if I am brutally honest, in the very very back of mind the idea lingers… I am disgusted at myself for even thinking about it and try to push it out of my head but its there.

I cannot say that I ‘hate’ myself because I can name qualities that I like and have done things in the past that I am proud of. But I know that there are things about myself that I disdain with such a passion that I want to hurt myself for being this way. Whether its physical like being fat, the hair on my body and face, that lump that knocks me sick, or personality traits like being a coward, being lazy, being self-pitying which is obviously epitomised in this document. These thoughts whirl around my head at such a rate that I get caught up in that disgust with myself and feel this need to hurt myself. I tried with the lump and it turned into an abscess so now I generally do little things or the most common; EAT. I eat and eat until my stomach hurts and I feel sick. Sometimes I make myself sick and sometimes I sit with the pain and nausea. But obviously this makes me fatter and so I am disgusted with myself even more.

The reason for my writing this is just to explain it I think, I don’t even know really. I have to keep trying to use the information I have to help myself and writing down my thoughts is what I have decided to do. I don’t want someone to fix me I want to do it myself. I think fear is a big factor in why I won’t change my life. So much of it is down to me to change and I need to just suck it up and do it without these sad excuses. But there’s always a ‘but…’ I’m not going to deny the fact that I feel alone. In all my life I have never felt as alone as I do now with nobody to share anything with. Everyone seems to be turning away from me, or leaving, or dead. I will not tell anyone the full extent of how I feel again because whenever I do things get worse, it has never helped me, everyone has judged me apart from the two who are gone, my mum and my best friend, my only true confidents...dead. So I will just write it I think. I feel a bit calmer for doing this but I still have that fear and guilt inside me mixed with that never ending lonely desolate feeling. I am going to leave it there for now I think. Bye.
coldh3art coldh3art
26-30, F
1 Response Sep 24, 2012

Hey I can relate to you 100%. I feel the same way I have been through depression and beat it for 7 long and fun years. But guess what it came back. I am going through it now. The winter is when it strikes me. Let me tell you why And I do believe this will help you out. Medication tried to help the problem. Talking only drove folks away. Laughter worked so did attaining valuable possession and experiences. The secret to a good and happy life is experiences. We as a people were ment to roam the world and find all sorts of surprises. And in the journey also we would find our selves. I bet you have never traveled outside of your comfort zone have you? If not then that is what your soul needs. You have a nomadic spirit it wants to vacation in far off places. So do it. You can do it! So do it already. Life is everywhere go to it. One more thing... do not forget to document you journey.