Coping With It, But Still Wondering...

It's a complex issue, but aren't we all complex creatures? Ever since I graduated from high school, I've shown more signs of depression & loneliness than I have before. It makes sense since becoming a college freshman, you have to adjust to the new environment as much as possible. There were good times during my first semester with my first college concert and what have you, but the environment feels so...weird to me. I was 18 at the time, but some classes had older adults that got along with each other easily and when it came to people my age, it was just like high school to me. There were times where little things would get to me like everybody sitting in every desk in the class and I'm the only one with two empty seats next to me.

I can't say that ever since I've gotten to college that I've had ONE SOLID friend. There have been those that "claim" friendship, but they're not in my life anymore. Then, there are those whom I don't take seriously, because I know that they're just acquaintances and if it was anything more, a simple head nod, a smile, a wave and, at the same time, going on your merry way wouldn't be all that I would been getting. Not that it wasn't all peaches and cream in high school, because, when I reevaluate high school, those people would be classified as acquaintances; if they were real or wanted to talk, they could have stayed in some type of contact. Even after I graduated, I can't remember one soul that walked up to me and said, "this has been a crazy run we've had, huh, Zack?" And I didn't mind that these people were "acquaintances," because they were better than just being stuck up in the library during lunch everyday.

Depression didn't kick in until college when I was going through a very tough semester; I decided to act in my first school play, which I felt so-and-so about front time-to-time even though acting was one of my passions; there were points where I wasn't showing up for classes and didn't take some of them seriously, because I really didn't care at the time; I had public speaking classes and an art class, which I almost hated and I LOVE ART! It somewhat carried over towards the following semester, but mostly in a class going towards my AOC at the time (Electronic Media Journalism). It was depression and the feeling of being annoyed by "news" this, "news" that, because I don't have a desire to work in news as much I want to produce ACTUAL television one day. And, speaking of career, I've been in situations where I've put time and money into what could have been the biggest moments in my life: a talent scout competition, a animated series pitching contest, a walk-on role contest; they all were no's and they had a negative effect on me, especially when I was running out of legitimate leads to make my dreams come true. Hell, I even started to doubt whether or not everything that I've worked for was all some big fantasy.

Despite everything that I've mentioned, it's not gloom and doom always. I'm able to cope with the loneliness and depression. I have my family, if nothing else. I love my little brother and cousin and my mom and dad. I know most twenty-year-olds are out on their own, but I don't mind being home with them at least until I graduate. Without them, I'd probably go crazy. I probably happier with them than anybody else, but I know these good time will end some when I move out on my own...it'll feel like someone yanking a piece of my soul out of my body. I just know it. There's music and if the right song comes on, I'll be all right. When I writing scripts or draw cartoon characters or write poetry, it makes me smile, because it brings me back to when I first started all of those things and I would always laugh and smile whenever I came up with something brilliant and funny. Even with moments like this, the depression and loneliness can creep up at anytime, but if not for my family, music and my art...I don't know, man...

I was reading poetry by Tupac Shakur and this one poem he wrote got me:

SOMETIMES I CRY

Sometimes when I'm alone
I cry because I'm on my own
The tears I cry R bitter and warm
They flow with life but take no form
I cry because my heart is torn
and I find it difficult 2 carry on
If I had an ear 2 confide in
I would cry among my treasured friends
But who do u know that stops that long
to help another carry on
The world moves fast and it would rather pass u by
than 2 stop and c what makes u cry
It's painful and sad and sometimes I cry
and no one cares about why.