Feel Like My Life Is Over......and yet it has barely started. I'm only 22. How could I possibly think life is over? Well I got some news for you. The science backs it up.
Turns out time really does speed up as you get older. Not ACTUALLY, no but your brain stores less and less memory of events because less and less of them are unique, novel events. This memory storage method is what gives us that experience. So what the heck am I getting at?'
There is a reason why being a young person means drastically different things then being an older adult. We can get away with more. We are not as looked down upon when we ask for help. We can get free passes and more extensions and all around treated with gentle hands.
I've missed the experience. As a kid at 16 I was suffering from a then unknown depression. I lashed out because of frustration and eventually got kicked out of my home. I never did go back to school, stay in touch with "friends" or even hang out with other people. Now at 22, having experienced these last couple months in emptiness' agony I realize what I've missed.
Crucial years. Years where you get a shot at whatever you want. You're an adult, but with the enthusiasm as a kid and you can go anywhere. People will babystep you all the way while after school you make dates, or socialize. I didn't get this.
I know have to sit here in my 6 year apathetic, melancholic malaise and try and figure out what i "want" from life, like I ever wanted anything. It's funny how knowing what I want is the hardest part, and it shouldn't be cause I haven't moved from my seat in days. I have 24/7 freedom of choice on my side, and I got nothing. Everything is boring. Everything is diversifying.
Last week I had my first manic episode. I didn't know it at the time. I just figured "my mom got better around this age. maybe me too!". HAHAHAHAHHAHA!
Turns out no, not so much. I have never felt more happy and blissful and enthusiastic and hopeful ever. I had ambitions and goals. Even in the 4 days I was in this state, I managed to get a new wardrobe and make a date...
Cancelled the date. Too shy to wear nice clothes. Oh I'm supposed to use all those new hygiene products EVERY day? haha no. It's funny. I said to myself there is no way I can go back to what I was after experiencing that. I mean... it was so obvious how easy it is the be happy...
I've never felt worse in my entire life.
Blitzingtakin 22-25, M 1 Dec 8, 2012