Me.

 
So I dunno how to do this. I'll just start. I'm a 24 year old doctor. I just graduated 3 months ago. I don't really want to give away what i do beyond that. Anyway, I have a new job. I'm getting paid. I have a great family. My patients don't hate me yet and only a few have been rude. I've helped a lot of people. I feel like I should be happy. But becoming a doctor wasnt easy. It was years of schooling and testing. The worst part was boards. I studied for about 2 months straight, roughly 7 -12 hours a day at least 5 days a week, usually more. I was surrounded by supportive people- my boyfriend (who I visited for the first month after graduation across the country. We've been together 6 years, he's been away at this job for 1. He plans on coming home soon. But I know missing him and not knowing WHEN plays on my mind occasionally), my family, and a few friends. I took one day entirely off a week while I was visiting him to go hiking or to the beach. But most of the time I had to seclude myself to concentrate. I was often alone with my books while he was at work, and frequently took books with me when I should have just been out enjoying life or dinner or...coffee even. I'll put it this way. I studied hunched over for so long that my hands were numb for about 2 weeks after the test because my neck was in such an odd position for so long and crunched the nerves. Ironically I had to go see a doctor about it.
I had a panic attack the night before the test and again the day I found out I passed (before I found out the result, obviously). The palpitations that started then never stopped (it's been about 2 months). I passed, and I have a great (though stressful) job, but I know something is wrong. Most recently, I've just been so much more anxious than I thought was possible. My current biggest worry is actually something that has made me very happy in the past. My dog of 16 years is obviously going downhill. Shes still a puppy in her head, but her hips are her age. I know we will have to put her down soon. I'm not sure how soon- and it drives me crazy. Silly maybe...I know some people just say a dog is a dog. But she is a big part of my life. That's what bothers me most at the moment. Beyond that...I just think I got used to being alone in my situation, stressed, tired and sad. I think I'm depressed, but it's like I can't remember when it started because I just realized it recently. Before now, I've had other things to think about- class, interviews, the board exam, my trip across country, starting my job. Now, I think about my pup who almost definitely won't be around next year, ailing family members who expect me to be able to help them medically, failing at making a patient better, and making my family happy. I have just enough left over time at night to realize that life overall seems pretty sad. I'm normally religious, or was until grad school seemed to sap me of time and energy, but I've stopped going to church (does that count as confession?), I prefer not to talk to people at all sometimes (though I do, obviously, because i have to), and sometimes I literally feel like I might cry for no reason. Is this like a chemical imbalance? or just a life change?

mebechelle mebechelle
22-25
2 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Church is great, but that depends on the church, and the people. You honestly don't NEED church, as long as you have the foundation of God. In fact, overall, we as humans need a balance of everything! We need a lot of things to keep us afloat. So, say we need a larger list of positive things in our lives, and a shorter list of negative things in our lives. I've worked on this, like trading in my unreliable car in for a new car (payments of course), to going to the gym now twice a week. A balance of external sources and internal sources reach us to our happiness. I hope this helps, if you need me to be more specific please let me know! I hope things are going well for you mebechelle???

i believe you should go to church again, maybe God is trying to tell you something but your not trying to listen..