I Don't Know

I don't really know what has happened to me. I realized I was depressed last year maybe. During the summer it was really bad. I couldn't do anything. I lost my will to get up for a while. But I think I'm doing better. I can drag myself out of bed, and carry out a conversation with someone. Emotions I forgot I had have resurfaced, shaking some of the never ending Sad out of my body. But I'm nowhere near okay. I'm can't see anything but the giant black-hole I'm trapped in. I try to get out, and sometimes I can climb a little only to violently tumble down again. It's obviously not a healthy thing. Sometimes I can't sleep for days, and other times its all I want to do. I suppose being trapped is mostly my fault. Whenever I feel an emotion making a resurgance, I stuff my face with food as if eating will make dealing with my problems go away. I don't want to have to feel the pain of whatever reppressed problem I'm holding in like a new fresh wound. So I just stuff stuff stuff. But unfortunately stuffing doesn't fix me. It doesn't make me want to get up and laugh and feel good. It doesn't give me any of my stolen ambition back. When I have sufficiently stuffed everything down, I'm not numbed from my problems. It probably makes me more depressed because then I look at myself, and am only able to see this disgusting creature that does nothing, and doesn't even have the guts to face it's inner demonds. I feel like I should be able to deal with it. But I can't, and that kills me. I just don't know any more. I don't know how to escape my dark prison, and I'm slowly losing myself.
lanikat lanikat
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

i feel the same. I feel disgusted with myself doing absolutely nothing, knowing that it's of course my fault. I just don't seem to be able to break free.. and it's all my own bloody fault.
getting up every day knowing that i'll go to bed that same day thinking well that was a wasted day again.