I Miss Being Me

To start with I've never done anything like this I've always had to be the strong one when things went wrong ever since I was young. I completely understand nothing in life comes easy and I don't expect anything to be handed to me, but a little breathing room would be nice. In 2008 on March 3rd my life was ******** from me when I was hit by a backhoe at work. Long story short I was a Firefighter and a Medic, I needed extra cash so I took a job setting vaults, the operator hit me with the boom twice and almost killed me. When I went to the ER it was made clear to me from my employer that they didn't want me to claim workers comp they actually told me to say it happened at home and when one of the investors in the company owns two of largest law firms in my state says that he would take care of it, he meant it. I called 34 attorneys and they all said it was a conflict of interest for them to represent me I was left with little option as far as legal representation went. And as far as the doctors went they offered surgery on my spinal cord once, I declined so I was dismissed and told that I was young enough I should recover somewhat in time, I was only 24 and it has done nothing but gotten worse by the day, from the nerve damage to the day to day pain. In the end he made it so I was released from workers comp and closed my case due to $2500 overpayment while my attorney got over $50,000 dollars whether you believe it or not, it happened. So for the past few years I have been dealing with the physical limitations, the non stop pain and all around suffering. I've always been there for everyone no matter the time or situation, and when I needed anyone, there was no one there. I've been cheated on and left several times because I have days where I can move and most where I can't, I guess I understand that it's hard to be with someone that has no money and is layed up half the time. Most days the pain is unbearable along with the complete emptiness and the non stop feeling of loneliness. As far as family life goes that has never been the easiest either so there is not much I'm willing to say about that right now. I must have written over a hundred suicide letters and well honestly I've spent more days than not staring at my Glock trying to think of reasons not to do it, but lately it's been getting harder and harder to find a reason let alone many reasons not to. I remember people joking about the sweet release of death but it sounds pretty good to me. I know I'm not the only one but when your whole life has revolved around physical labor and activities and then nothing it's really hard to accept the fact that's it all changed especially when everyone just abandons you because you cant benefit them. I literally can't do anything that I used to like doing and it's so frustrating when I try to do simple day to day activities and can't. I've always believed in Karma and when I was a kid I was a hellian but I have no clue what I've done to deserve this. I was always an optimist no matter what the situation and now I don't find anything funny, every time I do smile it's fake. Not even two months ago I found out that I have a tumor in my leg that's cancerous, i had absolutly no feeling inside one way or the other. I even tried to go back to school for a couple of semesters and in order to that I left where I was working because someone that acted like a friend asked me to come back to work for them and said he would work around my classes, that lasted three months until he wanted to go on his 4th cruise of the year and gave me the ultimatum of school or a job, i lost both and with his lies to unemployment i was inable to get that. Most days I feel like I'm just waiting to die and there really isn't a lot to save. I havent cried since i was 8, even when i broke bones, I've been shot twice when i was younger and never shed a tear, wrecked motorcycles, etc., but lately I've balled up several times and started crying. I won't go on any further because honestly if your reading this you probally think I just need to get a life or suck it up and that's cool, I am just lost and really don't know what to do anymore.
Brokenandbusted Brokenandbusted
26-30, M
4 Responses Jan 6, 2013

I'm sorry to here about the things you have had to go through. Hope things turn around somehow but I'd been willing to listen if you needed a friend to talk to.

I appreciate that and it would be nice to have someone to talk too.

Anytime :) keep your chin up

It makes things a lot easier to know you actually aren't alone. I've been through almost exactly what you're going through but this website, I think saved my life. I felt alone like you but there are so many people on here that feel hopeless too. I know that's not good but it's helpful. I know I'm not alone. The only thing that keeps me going AT ALL is one quote- "It can't last forever". My old coach used to tell us this when we'd have really hard practices and he was right. It didnt last forever. The pain stopped and it was worth it. I was stronger and better after those practices and now it's the most helpful thing in my life. To know "it can't last forever" it seems that way I know but I swear it won't and can't last forever. Things will get better in time. You just have to hold on as tight as you can now.

It's does help to know that there other people that are in a similar situation, not saying that's a good thing but knowing that I can get how I feel off my chest and not be judged helps out more than I can possibly say, Thank you for the words of encouragement and kindness.

I wish I could tell you it will all get better and be ok but I don't know that it will so I can't. I do know that there's a reason you're here and all this is happening. They say you're not given more than you can handle in life so you must be one helluva strong person. I admire that. Look into support groups, they have a lot of people in similar situations who may be able to give you tips or at the very least just be there for you. Try doing water exercises. It will relieve pressure on your spine. And don't worry about the people that ditched you. They obviously weren't your real friends to begin with. I hope things get better for you and just remember, you've been through all of this and you're still here. That's gotta mean something :-)

I agree that they weren't real friends to start with and I have tried the pool to relive pressure and it does help a little, I can see we're you're coming from on I'm here for a reason I just don't know what that reason is or how long its gonna take to find out. I was actually looking for support groups when I found this site and honestly I wasn't expecting anything to come from this but I'm glad I tried Ep out because I do feel a little better about my situation knowing that there are others who can relate to me but I don't think you should admire me at all, I don't think I'm that strong of person anymore. I do appreciate your kindness though and would like to thank you for that.

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for or maybe even realize. You've been through so much and are still standing. That says a lot about your character. I wish you the best and just remember it might be stormy now but it can't rain forever. The sun has to come out at some time :-)

It's gotta be so friggin frustrating what you're going through, and you probably think and feel that everyone is against you. I know what it's like to feel sick and depressed and it sucks. You might find a support group in your area that will help. Do you go thru any PT? There's other options for chronic pain like a spinal cord stimulator, u should check it out. Does it hurt to just walk? Getting out of the house and just walking is good exercise and really helps the circulation too. Just don't do the extreme route; God obviously wants you here for a reason. And the people that messed with you and took advantage of you will get their due reward for it someday. M.

First I'd like to say thank you for the advice, I made a doctors appointment to find out about the spinal stimulator and that I have tried walking but I need a knee replacement but I try to stay as active as possible even if its only a 10 minute walk at time or working outside at a slow pace. I'm sure that somewhere down the line those people will get there just reward but at the same time I would never wish my physical condition on anyone. It is frustrating most of the time but just the words of encouragement and the support that I've gotten from a few people who have no idea who I am and on the internet of all places have lessened the burden of thinking I'm completely on my own and today was the first day in long time that I truly don't feel on my own and honestly it gives me some hope for the future. Thank you very much