When Am I Gonna Feel True Happiness?

Sometimes I wonder if its me just feeling sorry for myself, but no matter what I do (besides smoking pot, which I quit a year ago), I just cannot feel joy or happiness. I'm also really afraid that it's going to affect my daughters future as well. I've taken different SSRI and SNRI meds for years since about 18 and all it does is really take the edge off. Otherwise, I'm an emotional basket case with a quick temper and not to be around. I also do things to purposely hurt myself like nail mutilation and this obesity that I can't shake off. I used to be striking, (not to sound vain) but really a pretty person until the weight kept creeping up and up. Now I feel so over the the top that I just wanna give up and say **** it, but I know that's not what God wants for me. I feel like I purposefully neglect myself because I literally hate what I've become and I'm punishing myself for it. It's some weird inner struggle that I have to deal with in a daily basis. Seven years ago I had breast cancer at 35 and there was one time in particular that I had to be hospitalized because I was so sick (septic) that I almost died and I remembered kind of feeling good about it, like maybe finally I'll meet my maker and this pain will go away. Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to die, but would never do it. It would devastate my family, especially my 2 little girls. They tend to worry about me a lot. My husband is also very supportive, but it's more like a friendship and partnership than anything. There's no passion there, but we love each other, it's strange. I think I have inner conflicts inside that I've been dealing with for some time, been to therapists and the whole 9 yards to no avail. It just always seems like life has no purpose. It's always SOS/DD to me. I feel lonely when people are there and when people are not. I work full time and see people get there hair and nails done weekly and I just can't understand why I can't be a normal, socially appropriate person. I'm sorry to ramble like this. I just wished I could feel joy and happiness that people talk about. I have God in my life and it started to work before but now I just feel like it doesn't help anymore.
Melichka Melichka
41-45
Jan 6, 2013