I Feel Like I Don't Have A Personality..

I don't really have a personality and i don't know who I am at all?

I've been depressed for the past couple of years, now i'm 16. I've been trying to get better for so long but it's really hard to cope with life now. i mean, i cried myself to sleep every single night, i used to selfharm and i was this close to committing suicide. I find it really hard to communicate with people and the worst part about this is that the old me was the absolute fun, outgoing, bubbly and even the loud obnoxious one. Even though i had lots of friends and at least i was a happy person. Now i'm such an introvert and a mess that if i do something energetic at sometime, people wonder what's wrong with me!

I wanted to express my feelings in many ways, i tried drawing but i apparently sucked at it so i found myself staring at an empty paper and having no clue what to draw. I tried writing, but i prefer writing in english which is not my mother tongue, so i obviously couldn't express all i wanted because i don't know all the right words to write or the right phrases. I even tried listening to hardcore metal music because they say it gets your anger out by growling it away! It frustrates me ALOT that all the feelings remained suppressed.

I just don't know who i am, what i like or what even makes me happy. I'm aware that it shouldn't be a problem for a 16 year old but i'm afraid that the personality i'm building at this age will get stuck with me for good.
aliceinchains70 aliceinchains70
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 7, 2013

We all find ourselves eventually...............;-)

I went through the exact same thing, EXACT, I was the crazy hyper fun one too, then got depressed and lost all my friends, I found a picture on google that says "you never LOSE friends in life, you only find out who the REAL ones are" but at that point I had zero friends left aside from the ones online, I found myself thinking 'nobody wants to be friends with the suicidal emo girl' alot during the past few years.

Now I'm about 20 years old and still have no friends because I move alot for work and am struggling with depression and dont go to college because my family is poor. LET ME TELL YOU after all my years of being depressed I learned ONE THING. That life is quick sand,a nd your friends are your support system. They hold you up when you're feeling down and protect you.

**When I'm sinking in life's quicksand, I'm alone. The more I struggle and fight to make my life better and pull myself out of depression, the more I sink further and further and things get worse and worse in my life. I'm drowning in the hurt and loneliness of my own life. Because I'm alone. Theres no one to help me and save me and pull me out.

**Friends are your support system, they life you up when you'r feeling down, they protect you from hurt and sadness and save you from yourself. They pull you up out of the quicksand and keep you from sinking!!

**If you are hurting inside and falling further into depression, and theres no friends there to catch you, they are not your REAL FRIENDS, you are alone.

Do everything you can in your power to make new friends who have a passion and spark in there eyes for life, for making their life better and making as many people as possible happy. Those are the people you need.

In highschool I was depressed and hung out with emo kids because I though they were the only ones who could understand my pain and help me heal. That way of thinking is wrong...all that does is make the sand pit bigger, more and more people sinking in more and more sand.

Now I've got the makings of some new friendships underway, and its VERY hard for me to make friends working my job all day, and not going to college with people my age. Its awkward and uncomfortable and us depressed people are already socially challenged enough! I litteraly have to say "Hey I know this is weird but, I just moved to town and dont have any friends her yet, do you wanna hang out sometime?"

I met a cool girl on halloween, a guy at the craft store, heck even the chick running the cash register at the grocery store, and hang out with them once in a while.

So I guess the moral of my very long story is, find some real friends, or things will just get worse**

Oh sweetie. What can I say to help you feel better that doesn't sound dismissive? <br />
<br />
I am not dismissing your feelings. <br />
<br />
I understand what it feels like to be lost, devoid of a meaning or purpose or even certainty of self. It feels like you are somewhere between never belonging and never truly living - just existing. It feels like we were put on this world to achieve, but it seems as if there is nothing you are actually capable of ...<br />
<br />
I want to tell you that at every point in our lives we battle dissatisfaction with ourselves. Life is always elsewhere and greater things are beyond our reach. I want to tell you that wondering and wandering, when uplifting, does your soul good - in excess, it leaves you rootless and not grounded. I want to tell you to suspend your numbness and confusion for a moment and commit yourself to action.<br />
<br />
Do something new every day. Engage yourself in finding yourself. Not waiting to be found. Ask yourself - do I like doing this? Do I find meaning in this new project? Be glad and grateful for how each day helps you grow as a person and look to those you can help.<br />
<br />
I was 16 once and was depressed and lonely. In a way, at 21, I am still troubled and sometimes vulnerable. But now I stand here and I know what my life's work will be - I will dedicate my life to growing stronger and wiser, and help those who are confused or lost. I will help them achieve a piece of mind. It took me a long time to get here and I am only at the start of a journey to qualify as a lawyer. Sometimes I worry that I'm not type-A or ambitious enough, not outgoing or supremely confidence. I know that I cannot command my peers in the way some of the most charismatic classmates can. And when I try, sometimes I wonder if I am coming across as being needy.<br />
<br />
But I am not afraid. Life has its episodes and I will treat people with grace and respect and this goodness will shine no matter how low I get or how eccentric I may be sometimes.You don't have to know everything at once when you are 16, sweetie. But you have to know that at 16, you are on a long journey to discovering it ... and you have been trying to draw and write. Nobody starts off brilliant. It is their unwavering dedication to their life's work that makes them good at it. Don't resent yourself for not being better, take your time and make a mess with your drawings and be incoherent in words. Your growth is your business and is above the judgement of anybody else.<br />
<br />
I understand that somewhere in you ... you have an expectation that you would be far better than whoever than you are right now. Don't focus on what you lack, remind yourself of who you want to become. Don't focus on the mistakes or shortcomings of the day, remind yourself of the opportunities for change tomorrow. Beating yourself up and punishing yourself for what you see as failures will not bring you closer to that ideal. Make a list of the qualities you want to have and work towards that - I want to be gracious, kind, wise, strong, beautiful ... and I want you to be all that, and peaceful too.

Wow, I kept reading this over and over again.This was such a confidence booster. But what do you suggest as new things to try? because here's the problem with me, my mind is apparently effed up or something.I mean, i always find myself attracted to harmful and painful things, for instance smoking, body piercing or even tattooing.I'm starting to think that i'm a real masochist! I just want to make that change in my life so bad but I don't know how! I know life gets harder so i don't want to complain much for now.

Your mind is not effed up... you know you want and need change, you are simply going towards what you think is the fastest or most obvious way to effect permanent and lasting change. Smoking, body piercing, self-harming are ways that you might not realise yet, but are things you do to yourself to force yourself to change or see change happening ...

(At 16, I had 14 piercings!)

When I think of some of the transformative things I've done, one thing that stands out is volunteering. You don't even have to be a positive person to join, it's by continuing that you'll find positivity. Surround yourself with people involved in an activity like helping students at-risk with their reading, serving as a buddy, or even being a scheme to visit elderly and alone folks. If the do-gooder element is too heavy, well, you're not some kind of angel, you're just trying to understand what others' lives are like... high schools sometimes have these opportunities and are just looking for people to sign up. If you've never tried, why not for once?

Find something you are curious about and turn it into a hobby. I was never a cook but now I am a bit of a foodie and kitchen scientist and it helps to let people know something I am 'into' - people like making these mental notes and when they see something related to your passion they will think of you. Your hobby will become you.

You can start small. You said that drawing is difficult - get a camera, any old one will do, and explore your neighbourhood. Look for new ways of spotting the previously unseen. Start cataloging the stories of people who live around you and soon you will have things to write about. You don't need to be a pro, and don't let any photographer-types intimidate you with their talk about the equipment. You have meaning and feeling in your work. You can move on to making videos, and this hobby will bring you closer to people who will appreciate the memories you've helped them hold on to.

Do you like arts and crafts? I'm not good at the intricate things myself, but joining a class to learn made me better. You can create some really nice gifts and the gesture will be appreciated.

The problem with high school is that people are judgemental and want to quickly sort people into types - 'sporty' types, 'arty' types, etc, and when you don't seem to fall anywhere you're overlooked. On top of that it's hard to start a hobby without worrying about being a wannabe. But really, it's your persistence and courage that will earn their respect - everybody is looking for someone worthy to join their group! So keep going and look around EP for more experiences that sound amazing.

A few years from now, you'll be wanting to go on your own road trips, with friends and making memories, being a young adult unleashed on the world. When that time comes, do you want to find yourself filled with skills and wisdom? I think taking on the world will be best with those :)

I was 15 when depression really set in for me. Not sure if there is something that caused yours to surface. But mine was from being bullied at school. How I hate to go. I dreaded it ever single day. I was to skinny, picked on cause of my red hair, my freckles, how pale I was, laughed out about having small boobs & told how ugly I was. I had no real friends at school. I tried so hard to be invisible to everyone and I would never fight back (looking back I wish I would have). I hated my life so much. I didn't really fit in anywhere. I felt like such a odd ball. Yet no one ever noticed I was so sad and when I would say something I would only be turned away ... be told there is nothing wrong with you, all you want is attention is all. So I stopped expressing my sadness and pain. I mean what was the point anyways.

11th grade came along ... oh how that year sucked so badly. This one girl was the worst of all. Funny how I can still see her face laughing at me while she was messing with me in class & others laughing right along side her. Sure it was cause they wanted to part of the "it" crowd and fit in. Life it self was unlivable to me. I tired multiple time to commit suicide ... unsuccessfully and unknown to anyone around me. I remember thinking to myself I can't even kill myself right (I'm grateful now that I didn't succeed). I remember going to school and everyone was crying and hugging in large circles. So I ask someone I knew what was goin on, why was everyone crying. That's when I found out that the girl that gave me so much hell every single day was killed with 2 others in a car wreck the day before. I felt sorrow for the other 2 but nothing for her. Deep down I felt good she was gone. After that school got better. I was still a very shy girl the damage had already been done to me.

I know saying that puts me at there for people to judge me but deep down I know she would have been to end/death of me. Till this day I feel the same about her. The other 2 were good people.

But that is a brief story of the beginning of my battle with depression. Life does get better I promise. There will be hard days, very hard days but you have to have something or someone that you most always think of .... that holds you to this earth .... my children hold me here to this earth. I am all they have, without me who would care and love them. Finding a anchor is always a start to stopping any negative bad thoughts.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story(sorry for the language mistakes though, as i said English isn't my native language). I'm terribly sorry for what had happened to you but highschool sucks and that would sound mean but that girl, deserved what happened to her...making people's life hell isn't a "fun" thing to do. But now, you seem like a strong, independent woman which i admire.

I just have this feeling that i'm gonna be stuck in this dark place forever until someone picks me up. I was so dedicated to hiding my depression and the cutting scars so i wouldn't be called an attention wh*** or anything people say, when it all piled up eventually. Anyway, I got over it and i don't have any suicidal thoughts or anything like that now. I really hope it does get better.

I know that dark place you speak of well. I am sadly in it now as we speak. Not the first time I've been here. They have a room just for me, sad it's so dark I can't see what it looks like lol But you can and will find your way out in time. I always have but it does seem hopeless and hard to find the door when your lost in the dark.

Actually, music is the only escape right now. lol, seems lame but thinking that even celebrities have been through all this! These hard times shaped my personality i guess.

I listen to music to escape also. Depending on my mood depends on the playlist I will listen to.

1 More Response