Failure...

All I really have for a friend is my boyfriend of almost 5 years. I've made many friends over the years but they either back-stabbed me or were never really that close to me... I have Aspergers, so I have a hard time talking to people, especially making friends... I tried joining an Anime club at my school and didn't make any friends there...

I can never bring myself to really trust anyone (besides my BF and some family members). I've been hurt so much that I feel that no one really wants to be my friend. Every person I hang out with are my boyfriend's friends and they're all only nice to me because I'm his girlfriend... I make it obvious online and in person that I'm sad but I rarely get any response (again, aside from my boyfriend).

Sometimes when my boyfriend and me are in a group of friends, I feel so alone because he's talking more to everyone else. I feel bad that I get upset by that because he's only being social...

For awhile, I couldn't bring myself to even attempt to get a job but I eventually found one that doesn't involve too much socializing. I didn't start working till I was 21 years old... I still don't drive because I'm scared shitless to drive and I barely make enough money to afford a car of my own.. I go to college but I don't know if I even want to go into my major. I've gone into 4 different majors and so far, none of them have worked out. I always seem to be struggling in school. I can concentrate on even things I love for so long.. The work always seems to be too long that I procrastinate. When I get bad grades, I feel as if I'm never going to go up from it. That all my mistakes will forever continue... To be honest, I just want to get a degree so I can get a high paying job that doesn't involve me socializing and needing to drive far... I'll take anything at this point... My family doesn't take my depression seriously and just tells me, "Quit getting upset" .
My boyfriend's family all hate me and stress me the hell out because they make me look like the bad guy because I don't feel comfortable around them... His mother makes fun of me for not having many friends and for having Aspergers, his younger brother hates me for not liking his friends (people who ALL used to hang out with my boyfriend and all started fighting with me because I don't like my boyfriend's family and one person in that group), and his little brother runs around screaming, making fun of everyone, and crying if he doesn't get his way. They're all allowed to treat me like dirt because I want to be LEFT ALONE FROM THEM...

While all this happens now...I've always been bullied since I started school. I had barely any friends. I was that kid who sat alone at lunch and go picked on whoever felt like it that day. I've been called fat, ugly, stupid, *****, ****, it, thing, retard,useless, gay, lazy, ****, etc. I have a "step dad" who has verbally abused me since I was 7. He mostly leaves me alone now only because I've threatened to call the police on him (one day he threatened to "kick my ***", so I told him if he tried anything, I'd call the police. I also told my grandmother about what happened and she told my mother). My mother won't tell him to leave because she has cancer and some days needs him to take care of her. I never eat at home and I hardly even get to shower there (I shower at my grandma's and eat there sometimes. I mainly eat out or at my boyfriend's house).

I go to a therapist at my school but all she can do is listen and offer simple advice like yoga and that I'm "not so crazy". I tried anti-stress medication but it only made me sleepy every time I took it. I've been on and off exercised but I end up either staying fat or losing the weight for a short time..I'm over 200 pounds now and only 5'4"... I stopped eating fast food aside from Dunkin' Donuts but nothing seems to work. Even when I exercised everyday, I didn't lose a pound after 3 months... I feel as if I'll never be at 140-150 pounds like I used to be when I was 17-18... I wish I didn't have to eat or I could get full so quickly... I hate eating...I hate my body...I hate my soul...

Only good things I have in my life are my boyfriend, my family, my job, and my hobbies... I know my life is not the worst compared to others and that's another reason why I hate myself so much... Why am I so sad when I shouldn't be? :'(
FlutterShyTheOtaku FlutterShyTheOtaku
18-21, F
3 Responses Jan 8, 2013

I wouldn't give up on the world too much or beat yourself about it either. Life is tough as **** sometimes. But it seems like the people that surround you really just don't understand you or what you go through or just don't have hearts. Maybe your boyfriend does but he cannot be your end-all, be-all otherwise you limit yourself. And if you think no one cares, it's not true. People that are total strangers can care for one another. I learned that on this page and in many other areas and walks of life. It's amazing how distant strangers can go back to the essentials of being genuinely generous and caring individuals.. when they see someone in need, someone asking for help, someone who they identify with and understand.
By the way, I like the tag name.

I have a family member who grew up dealing with bullying and depression. It was a constant battle with her. She has been in and out of the hospital since she was 13 years old battling depression, and sadness. The doctors just keep diagnosing her with things that she may not even have. Some doctors have even made her worse. It's very traumatizing to deal with depression and bullying.
I don't understand what you may be going through exactly, but I did live with someone who was going through a few similar things as yourself.

To become happy, you have to learn to accept yourself, and accept the limits that you were given.
To become confident with who you are, you have to accept that there will always be negativity in this world. You have to think of it as a challange and see how strong you can be.
Don't hold on to things that are affecting you in ways that make you sad.
Don't stay with your boyfriend if you are not being honest with yourself and with him, unless he is fully supportive of your emotional issues.

We are all human, we all have needs, wants.
The question everyone asks themselves is this, Who am I? What makes me Happy? Why can't I cope with certain situations?

No-one really knows who they are.
Ask anyone... they will respond by saying their name and the hobbies that they have.
That is not who they are, that is what they like to do.

You are NOT alone.
You just need to find people who will support you, but you also have to be open to letting others support you.

The only way you will be able to become happy is if you let yourself out of your comfort zone, and let go of the past.
You can't change what has been done, you can only move forward in your life.

It is very hard to make genuine friends in this world, but don't expect too much from others, just be content with yourself.
If you are the type of person who likes being alone, and who doesn't feel like a social person, THAT IS OKAY. You don't need to be this social butterfly that talks to every single person. First off, that can be overwhelming, and second of all, that doesn't mean everyone likes you, it just means that person can talk alot.

If you feel like you NEED to be a certain way, you don't.
Don't do things that others want you to do because it makes them happy.
If you don't like some of your boyfriends friends, well screw them. You are allowed to feel those feelings.

If you have issues with your mother, maybe find ways to discuss with her by writing her a letter, but never sending it, or writing a song, or start kickboxing. Something that will be affective to yourself, but not outwardly too her if you feel like that is not possible.

If your health is not at the place you want it to be at, Don't complain about it. Do something about it.
Just because you may not be at the weight you are at when you were 17-18 doesn't mean you can't get back to it.
As we get older our body changes, so if you expect to go for a run, and just drop 20 pounds, that is not going to happen.
There are certain types of excerisizes you have to do to tone down and loose body fat.

Do research.
Go to Support Groups.

There is ALWAYS someone who wants to help.
Don't be afraid to say how you are feeling.

I don't know you, and am not sure if I am even helping, but- I do know how my sister feels. I grew up with her and watched her struggle constantly.

Please don't give up on yourself. I am sure you are worth it.
Don't be ashamed of who you are and NEVER GIVE UP.

There is this book called The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself
by Micheal Singer

It's interesting if you are interested in looking at who you are in a spiritual way.

It's not wrong to feel lonely sometimes, we all need somebody we can talk to, even for just a friendly chat. Message me if you're feeling lonely :)

My problem is I feel lonely all the time (expect for when I'm with my boyfriend). Even when my boyfriend and I are in groups, I feel alone then too.

Maybe you don't have enough self confidence? That's also why I like this site, people aren't judgmental! Does your boyfriend know that you feel lonely?