Everyday Is A Struggle

As I write these words today the thing that sticks out the most is my feelings of loneliness. I tend to think that no one understands me, that no one is truly concerned about what I am going through as a person. I rarely reach out to those around me when I'm going through the most stressful times but it seems as though when I do I always end up feeling like I complain too much. My friends often make me think that I either exaggerate the situations or that I'm giving things too much thought. This causes me to withdraw a lot. The things that I concentrate on the most makes it hard for me to socialize. Sometimes, I find that it even pushes people away. No one wants to be around someone who is a constant downer or at least that is one of the things that I think to myself which brings down my self esteem even more.

I don't know if it is a result of my thinking but all of this negativity is seeming to effect me physically. I'm very lethargic, I'm having intestinal and back pains, I'm filled with anxiety and I have the hardest time trying to sleep. Sometimes I may get some thoughts of inspiration or feel motivated by something someone says or something I see. It gives me just a little burst of energy to push myself to do more. That feeling never seems to stay that long.

Over the years I have had to endure a lot of pain as a result of my depression. My self-esteem has been consistently low throughout my life which have caused me to place myself in bad situations. I have had many low points. I've had to deal with drug abuse, verbal abuse, being physically abused at gunpoint, more than one instance of rape, mental and physical illness, etc. I remember the pain from those situations and being treated like I meant nothing to anyone.

Somehow those things linger with me more than the things that I should be proud of. How when growing up, I was always praised about my good character. How I was always in the top of my class and excelled in school. How I have been praised for my creative and artistic talents. How I have been a model employee on every job I have worked. Having people truly admire and love me. Those things have always seemed to take a back seat to the pain.

I am beginning to realize that I am my own worst enemy. I have a damaged way of thinking and no matter what I do I feel like I'm not good enough. I'm trying to understands why it is that I can't see myself like the the majority of the people I encounter see me. There is something deep down inside of me that wants to destroy me. Something inside of me is self destructive and no matter what I do I can't get over the negative feelings that I have about myself.

I know that I need to step up to the plate and try my best to beat this depression and finally gain control of my life. I have to stop waiting on things to change and learn to be more proactive. Right now, I'm just doing enough to get my by.....partly because I'm tired.....tired of fighting battles...and tired of facing failure but I really have to fight this thing every day. Hopefully, I can hold on to this motivation.
eyeconfess eyeconfess
31-35, M
Jan 17, 2013