Life Changed In Two Years... And More So In The Last 6 Months.

I initially got on to this page by googling "I feel the whole world is against me" :P Ironically enough, I keep telling people the advice, Think different and stay positive and other people know how you feel. I do so and sometimes doubtfully if not hypocritically not heeding the same advice. The choir was not preached to it seems... So I posted a reply to help someone on here who needed help and realized, I need to make a post because I may need help too...

As for me being helped, it's more of helping myself sometimes. Actually, I kinda do want to talk because talking is so therapeutic. Yet I have trust issues too. Insecurities. Doubts. Worries. Friends that suck me dry. And Family that are needy or not there at all. You see, I have had bouts with depression. At least 5-6 since I was in Highschool until now. All of them have coincided with loss. In my case, the main culprits have been break-ups (3-4), job (2) or tragedy (1). Life has been overwhelming as of late and I feel a little lost because of loss. I lost my job (of 6yrs) and girlfriend (of 5yrs) recently... about 6+ months back both happened. I'm on the mend and bounce back now... yet it feels like I'm meandering along in my life.

I live in a college town so all my friends don't really, truly understand what it's like (or want to understand) to be where I'm at because I'm much older than most of them. So they live their lives oblivious of my troubles though I tend to help them A LOT! In addition, I take care of my parents because my father, who is diabetic and manic depressive, had an amputation about 2 years back and my mother is a breast cancer survivor from 2008 who FEARS the return of the disease. So as the eldest son in a family of us 5, I have to take care of them... because my older sister is married with 3 wild children (who I love and vice versa) And my younger brother is our black sheep looking out for himself. And then bills I have are a little piled and that worries me A LOT too... Life has given me weird twists and turns that I've adjusted to and I sometimes don't know how to cope. It's pretty hard to try my best at times and know the right path to take.

So I made an odd change... I was working with okay money, had a potential life partner, had healthy parents and life was bearable 2 years ago... and now it's a weird switch to being a Master's student and single, living with his parents with no income. I feel alike a loser without a social life. Today was a pinnacle of that frustration when I went ot meet a friend in Starbucks to find out he and 3 of my other "friends" were going on a raodtrip this weekend without me. Left out. Unappreciated. Unwanted. Just ignored. Maybe I'm no social butterfly... but I'm no social pariah either. Or so I think. I dunno anymore.

Life is not making absolute sense. I've had bouts with depression and anxiety before and am afraid of slipping again. Just felt like sharing what's on my mind...
AnotherSoulfulMind AnotherSoulfulMind
Jan 18, 2013