Even when I manage to find strength, my depression and loneliness are still there and they threaten to take over. I have to wonder if it still lurks about because I choose to fight it alone. I have no idea how many times I've heard that people never expected me to have been through so many hardships because I'm always smiling and laughing. I choose to smile and laugh because I enjoy seeing and sharing a smile and laughter than someone else rather than seeing their sympathy and empathy. If I'm in pain, why would I want to see someone else in pain. I'd rather see them smile and have them laugh with me, remembering all of the good that's happened to use in life rather than the bad. I don't want to drag anyone else down with me into my problems. But strangely at the same time I want those who have wronged me to have significantly more empathy. I want them to cry with me and to be sincerely sorry for what they've done, to know what I'm going through, and to automatically know to be there for me to console me through the situation instead of asking me what they want me to do. It may sound stupid, but my most recent exes in the state that I'm currently in, I have tried to be friends with and to keep positive memories, but that's getting harder by the day. One of them who is my recent ex's best friend has a "sugar daddy" of sorts and doesn't really talk to me and barely shows sympathy or empathy for me because he's more invested in that guy. It's the same with my recent ex when he dumped me to "get his life together", but suddenly wants to get together with someone who is clearly underaged for him and move with him when he can't afford it and hasn't gotten his life together yet. He's even more apathetic and seems to be using people to feel happy and is looking out for his own happiness. I just want them to one day that they look at what they're doing and begin to actually consider and wonder how I'm feeling. I believe that they're good people and I do enjoy the time the three of us spend together, but it's just gotten hard and even when I'm with them I feel alone and just hide it because I don't want to ruin our time. I don't know what's wrong with me and I feel like I'm kind of wanting too much and that I'm being selfish. But I don't deserve this time of treatment and I feel shunned and alone. The two of them along with friends of mine constantly said that I matter and that I'm the best person that they've ever had in their lives, they manage to do something that counteracts that. It's beginning to make me distrustful of people and actually WANT to be alone when I'm fighting not to feel that way.
jamie1292 jamie1292
26-30, M
1 Response Aug 18, 2014

Even though I'm only 15 I've felt with more stuff than most of the people my age I fight depression and I know how crappy it can make people feel, so believe me that this isn't pitty or anything like that I'm sincerely sorry for you and I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that you could rely on me to stay by your side and help you face your depression.

And also If y o u need an open minded friend to talk to it would be my honor to help you.

Thank you so much and this actually means a lot. I could really use a hug and someone to talk to in person that understands. I'm also open for whenever you want to talk as well. I don't mean to sound too old or anything, but at your age, depression is usually at its strongest and I'd really like to help you face your depression also.

Thank you, and I learned a few tricks to fight depression,most of the time the easiest thing for me to do is to to talk to one of my close friends that also has depression, and also you don't sound too old im used to having adult conversations with people.

Alright, thanks and that is useful. I also found that doing something fun with a close friend and just laughing with them can help as well and then you're able to talk to them about the serious stuff with a more clear mind.

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