A few days ago I had a breakdown (I guess), it's not the first time it has happened but instead it's the longest one I've had. I haven't been able to forget those feelings. Maybe I won't be able to forget them as before? I'm scared.

I know it's not normal to see a car and just wish you got hit by it, or look to the sky and wait for some miracle that might end your life in a more "natural" way.
Well...I say it's not normal for regular people, but I've been reading a lot about depression and I guess those kinds of thoughts are common (I guess).

I just don't know where I'm at, or where I'm going to. I feel like I've failed in every possible way. I'm behind other people and I just cant seem to find a light.

The suicidal thoughts are more now. But I'm still too afraid to do it. I read a post that said " If there were a button I could push that would just blink me out of existence, I would push it." I felt too identified.

I swear this post is not meant for me to receive attention.
This is a scream for help.
Someone to hear me and hopefully not judge me (not to my face at least heh).
rianma rianma
22-25, F
5 Responses Aug 19, 2014

Posting here is a positive step! We all think we are different but really - there are other good people fighting what they think is the Fight of their Life! Keep on keeping on!

Do you want to feel better?

I've been there a thousand times. Talk to me about whatever you want and I'll listen.

I know. You just stare idly at the cars and then try to brush it off...but the wonder of how it would be remains (?)
Thanks a lot, I'll take your word to it.
But if at some point you feel burdened, please let me know.

I won't feel burdened so don't worry. :)

I understand you. From one of your first lines about wishing you got hit by a car. I have that thought all the time. Your not alone

I was really waiting to hear that. Thanks. Really.
Now I don't feel that much of a weirdo.

Your not weird at all. At least not to me.

It's always good to talk to someone who can relate, if you ever wanna talk to me I'm here in open arms

Thank you.
It's hard for me to express my feelings or to rant or talk about them. This post alone took me 30+ minutes to write. There were so many feelings I couldn't put into words.
I'll take it slow. One post at a time. This long post took a lot of strength for me, so I don't know if I'd be able to continue right now.
But thanks a lot for the support.
I'll be taking your word then. But if at any point you feel burdened then just let me know.

I know hen writing things like this you tap into your deepest emotions it happens to me as well. Usually when I write mine it takes a while because I break down from flashbacks