Hi. I need your help. I know only people from this website can understand me.
I have half-siblings who were my father's. I do not like the fact that they exist, because their existence have a big role on how I am living right now---alone,'family-less', lonely,depressed, etc. I am from a country where everyone else is family-oriented,so I am greatly affected by how my family isn't around me.

You see, since I was a little kid, mom and dad used to always fight with each other,it even came to the point when my dad decided to leave home already. I am a daddy's girl so when that happened, it literally broke my heart, and I was still a kid that time, around 6 or 7 I think.

When I was 8 years old, my dad told us that he will go abroad and work there. He told us he will go back how in a year or two, but he never did. He only came back WHEN MY MOM DIED.

When mom died, my dad wasn't there for me. He wasn't beside me to help or what, and I hate it because I've been through a lot because I was the only one in the family who saw how my mom died. It's been 2 months after my mom's death before I was able to fully recover, and my dad wasn't even there for me even for a single night. He never asked me how I felt or what, it's like he just went back home because it was his responsibility to be home.

3 yrs after my mom's death, my dad went back home to our country, and that's where all the ***** in my life started. On our very first dinner after 3 yrs, he suddenly announced to us that he is going to get married to his other woman. I was shocked. I was so shocked I wasn't able to respond to him when he asked if it's alright for us (I already know about this other woman and my half-siblings before because my mom told me about it once but I thought my dad and that woman lost contact with each other already).

Months after that announcement, I found out that when my dad went to abroad to work, he didn't just work there, but he also brought his second family with him there too. I was so angered when I learned about this, because it felt like as if a big part of my life was all a lie. I thought my dad went there FOR US, but no, he went there to give more to his second family and a bit for us(because of responsibility). I saw through the internet all their family pictures, their family bondings,etc. I don't even have a memory of having any family vacation or family picture at all!

Now, my half-sibling is in here with the same country with me for college. And I hate to admit it that I am jealous of them. I can see how close they are with my dad. Whenever I try to chat with my dad, I always get only a simple 'Ok' or sometimes he just sent me a bunch of stickers. But my half-siblings always get more than just an 'Ok' from my dad. They always post on fb/twitter what they're talking about, for example: 'lol my dad just told me blah blah', 'it's always fun talking with my parents etc'. Well I really get jealous whenever I see that, and it always feels like I am unappreciated or not loved. And since my half-siblings went back here in my country, my dad always make a yearly vacation to spent life WITH THEM. We still meet each other though, through planned lunch or dinner. It's like your father loves your half-siblings more than you.

I once opened this to my real siblings, and they always say told me 'you're being such a drama' . Maybe I am a drama, but I can't help it, I am lonely. I grew up with people always fighting around me: my mom and dad, and my bro & sis. My dad left home when I was 6 because of my mom, and when I was 10, my sis left home because of my bro. And in my family, I was closest to my dad and sis, and they're the one who left me. Of course I told this to my friends to, but they can't understand me either. They also same the same as what my sibling say to me, sometimes I even doubt If they were my real friends.

Right now, I only live with my brother, and he's always not around. We don't even eat together. I all go through everything all by myself, school, sickness, depression,loneliness,survival(except financially because I'm still a student and too young to work),etc. I can't even feel that I still live with my brother.

I decided to I isolate myself. I deleted all my social accounts. I don't talk or meet anyone. I don't feel like talking with anyone at all. I have exams but I don't care anymore. I once been through major depression (but different situation, kinda related to this) and I almost killed myself thrice. I almost to the point that I only have to do the killing, I have the tool already there on my hand. And I think I might be doing the same thing sooner, because I can't handle more ***** anymore. I know there worse case scenarios out there, but I am a human being too, and I'm on the verge of cracking already. Feeling not loved and unappreciated by your own family and friends made me feel helpless. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I just want to kill myself and get over everything. I don't care about my future, my studies, my health. I don't have any appetite to eat anymore, and I have really bad insomnia.

Call me pathetic or what, I don't care. I'm not strong, and that's why I'm here. I need all your help, your advice on how I can go through everything.
someonewhoneedshelp101 someonewhoneedshelp101
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 22, 2014

You know what is worse? Having siblings and hating the fact they existed. I can't believe that they and I have the same parents. Selfish jackasses.

You say there are worse scenarios. But your situation sounds very bad to me. I know the feeling being unappreciated by friends, that's the worst feeling ever. You say that you wouldn't be strong. Hell, you are strong! Just because you are looking for help, it doesn't mean you are weak. The opposite is the case: You didn't give up, that's why you are here! And someone who does not give CAN'T be weak.
How old are your half-siblings? Of course they say, that you would be a drama, because if you get more attention, they will get less! Don't listen to them, if they hurt you! Did you ever talk to your Dad about your feelings? if yes, what did he say? Maybe he needs the initial talk to care for you. Maybe he thinks that you are such a strong person, that you don't need him.
What about your sister? Did you talk to her? I mean if she had problems with your brother, she will understand you!

Beside that, don't skip your exams! You have to move on to see the light! If you fall down and you stop standing up and move on, you will never leave the lonely darkness. Try to get in contact with the most important person in your life. Explain him / her your situation on and on, so that he / she understands how important that is to you and that you really need help. I wish I could do something to help you out of your situation.

Please don't give up!