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Tired of It

I was diagnosed with a clinical depression about 7 years ago. I've been up and down in that time, but in the last 10 months or so, i've pretty much only been down. I don't have and friends or family members I feel I can talk to. I have tried in the past, but it doesn't help; people in my life don't seem to be any good at listening. I used to just gradually start feeling better, but I've been waiting a long time for that to happen, and I simply don't have the mental energy to try to change. I am so lonely; and incredably tired of fighting

Willy19 Willy19 22-25, F 3 Responses Aug 22, 2009

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YES i know exactly what it feels like and what you mean when you say people just do no understand how hard it is to live with depression every day.



It is literally a challenge, an up hill battle that just seems like moving mountains sometimes.



Would i love to be one of the people i see who are more upbeat, in love with life. MORE THAN I CAN EVEN SAY!



i pray for it, i beg, bargain and plead for it. I want it soooooooo badly. And when it does not come, when things get in my head and bring me down it feels worse knowing i'm not that person. It hurts soooooo much not to be able to "snap out of it" or turn off the voices in my head. ..........It makes me mad at myself. i think im weak or damaged or something.......i hate it. ....i just hate it.



The upside of that is when i have a good day with the bad thoughts not in my mind i feel so happy. like i just won a day in the sunshine a day out of the jail of my mind.



then equally i can tell like hearing a train come when a thought, a bad thought is on its way and i'm about to get sucked in and sucked down again and someone is getting ready to turn the lights off in me again.

that part alone is hard. that reality and notion alone is depressing.



then i think. good lord, i cannot do this the rest of my life!



But i try now to hold on to those moments when i am happy and when i can convince myself read books that help me reshape my mind.....



i read somewhere something that just put the reality of my thoughts in black and white...



someone wrote, "i get up because my hearts still beating. I'm existing, not living".....



but I have to say i'm so glad i can finally be honest about how i feel with someone.



i have never confessed these things with anyone else



perhaps there is some healing in sharing and getting it out of me or just me. And perhaps there is healing in not feeling as if we are alone and broken with no one who we can trust to understand our secret thoughts and sadness......



you continue to hang in there also.... :)



I'll send you another song....





and even though i dont know you a least know that i'm hear if you ever want to write and i support you.



bird york, have no fear



Lyrics to Have No Fear :

Have no fear in your heart

though you feel you've been broken and lost

there's a place where we will meet up again

there's a place that mends your hurt and takes you in

there are times faced alone

when you find all the holes in yourself

you don't have to walk the night on your own

I will say a prayer for you to lead you on

I will say a prayer for you when you have gone

Thanx liz, I will definately look up that song!

I know what you mean when you say many people just don't understand how hard it is to live with depression everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't feel a deep sense of hopelessness about my life & my future (or lack thereof). I get so peeved when people say you just have to 'snap out of it' or 'start by changing yourself' i'm sure you understand: It's just not that simple; when waking up and just walking thru the day takes so much effort, theres just no mental energy left to try to improve anything.

I too, and glad i'm not the only one, and sad at the same time that anyone should have to go thru life like this; i suppose we at least have each other to lean on. Hang in there

I a glad and sad to read what you wrote. I am sad that you feel the way you do, but glad to know that i am not alone in my feelings. They are the same as yours. There is this song by Sarah Barellis called Gravity and the words are like my life.



"Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.



You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.



[CHORUS:]

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.



You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.



[CHORUS]



I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on

The ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down"





Its how i feel about my depression. It's never far from my mind, it's never far from me. It just takes a back seat for a while waiting for an opening to come in and turn out all of the lights in my head and my heart and fill the darkness with the chant," youre not good enough. no one wants or loves you. you are too odd and you will always be alone. you'll always be sad. You'll always have me here to bring you back down.





Sometimes i get down so much i think.........whats the point of getting up..... what is the point. I always fall. i always ache and i always hurt.



I dont tell anyone because i feel they wouldnt know what to do, they would judge me and not really understand just how painful it is to be this sad and how hard it is to find a reason to get up in the morning.



so why burden them.....



you may not know how i feel. But at least know i know how you feel and you are not alone......