I Was Almost Normal

It seems like everything happens at once. Not even big things, but all the little things (I guess regular people call it "life") just build up until I'm almost at the breaking point. What makes it worse is that my meds don't seem to be working as well as they used to. I find myself crying over nothing everyday and on the verge of tears almost constantly. I can't make myself do any of the things I need to do, and I'm irritated and angry with my kids all the time. And they don't deserve it. And I can't remember the last time I felt so freaking ALONE. I can see my breakdown on the horizon and I'm scared. No one really knows how that it for me because I've been stable on my meds for so long. I know how it feels to just lay in bed for days and cry, to have that emotional break that makes me feel so empty. And I don't want it. I can't afford to have that happen, and knowing that I can't afford it simply makes it loom larger. I don't have someone to come in and take care of the kids because mommy can't do it. I don't have someone to take my tests and do my work and pay the bills or anything else. And not having someone to lean on, even a little bit, hurts so much.

I put on the happy face as best I can, but I can't make it last the whole day. A few people have noticed that I'm not my usual self, but how do I tell them that I feel like a crazy person? Literally. That I'm so scared of one of my "episodes" coming? Because it is coming. And there is no one to catch me, to prop me up, to pull me out of bed. Everyone says "you're just having a rough time, it'll get better" and I want to punch them in the face. But it's not their fault that they don't understand. And I can't really talk to them to say "this is how it is for me" because they can't make that connection between who I've been for the past few years, and who I become. I had almost convinced myself that I was normal.

abbienormal abbienormal
26-30, F
2 Responses Oct 27, 2009

I am really sorry to hear about this. I know the feeling. Feeling completely charcoal and burn out inside. I am coming off my meds and I m felling meh again. <br />
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The best thing is to get a group of plpl that can be supportive towards you. Take a few steps back maybe so that you can deal with the problems you are having. <br />
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Try and go out twice a week with friends; going out for a coffee with friends really helps.<br />
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Write how you feel or draw on a piece of paper.<br />
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Put music on , something really ridiculous, like Micheal Jackson. It really cheers me up everytime I watch a video of his because the videos are really silly.<br />
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Have tea (decaff).<br />
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Go for walks<br />
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Try and go for a five minute run<br />
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See your doctor about the meds. Maybe they need to be upped for a while.<br />
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Even if I havent met you, Have a hug from me. You are doing amazing, getting into work, bringing up children.<br />
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When things get too much, just take it one step at a time.<br />
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Try and just focus on getting through the day. Tomorrow will be another.<br />
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Also plan something in the future you might look forward to?<br />
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Find a social supportive group - i.e. christian group (if you are christian), meditation, yoga etc...<br />
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Just take it one step at a time until you get back on top of things.<br />
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I currently feel like this. I cant concentrate with my work, feels like everything is flying by because Im so lazy/anxious/negative and cant think straight. Its horrible. But I still think things will get better because I try.

so you battle depression ,did you win.just joking.so do i get a small smile for that.find a hobby and join a club.take your kids camping.and go have some fun.