Life Is Hard

For all the other kids my age, worries include, but are not limited to, the clothes you wear, the newest hot couple in school, who's party you're going to be drinking at this weekend, and maybe the grade you got on your last calculus test. For me, haunting memories of a best friend who I considered my brother and killed himself with a DXM overdose, crying and telling me it was worth it as he went, two real brothers, both estranged and farther from me than I could have possibly ever meant, a 4 and a half year relationship with a girl who, although she claims to love me, is actually unbelievably selfish and despite my utter devotion and sacrifice to her, despite her painful lack of fidelity 6 months ago and a gross inability to deal with what I call my "secret," cannot even tell me what she had for dinner to ease my fears, and the secret itself, which is my painful, guilty relationship with the transvestite (but heterosexual and selff-assured) self I keep in the back of my closet, all characterize my life. Every single day is a struggle not to give up, every single small pleasure a reason to make it to the next day and not drive off a bridge.. Couple all the above with this terrible, judgemental, inesecapable feeling of nihilistic and bitter contempt for the selfishness and utter lack of morals among pretty much every other person in my world and colors every relationship I enter into and every potential route out I see for myself, and you get a pretty good picture of my life. I appreciate everything I have.. I truly do.. But in context it doesn't seem to be all that much. So far every response I've gotten on this website has been severly disappointing, as people either misinterpret everything I'm trying to say, accuse me of selfish, complacent ignorance, or offer some patronizing, half-sincere condolence.. But I'm still hoping upon hope that someone reads this and can really help me... Because I'm 18 and that's too young to give up, I know I have thigns to live for but when you compare them to all the pain I deal with it just doesn't help... Sorry in advance.

revolutiontake2 revolutiontake2
2 Responses Mar 2, 2010

choose to beleive in yourself,dont hang around drug users they dont care about anyone but themselves, im sure some people may have an addiction problem that they wish they didnt have i beleive these people need compassion and help but alot of people take drugs because they like it and they think they are cool usually these people dont care about anybody else but themselves so stay away from them.<br />
You are only 18 there is so much hope for you.Your whole life is ahead of you.Not all people are without morals and selfish but alot are .try not to take bad experiences with people and think everybody else is the same.There is a whole world out there of different people.As far as the other persons comment to not care well you need to care otherwise you lose that part of yourself.I think she meant to care but dont let other people destroy you, remember if you have been a person of integrity and another person did you wrong you can walk away a person of greater character and they will be the person who feels like **** eventually ,as they were the lesser person.i dont know if i helped or made you feel worse but i did try to help.all the best.

Don't care too much, that's the way things will affect you more and more. It's not that you'll have to become irresponsible or cynical. Just don't care. Maybe that way you'll enjoy more. Your life is too precious, don't waste it. Just don't care, there are many things you can leave behind and go on. Go forward and look behind to see how well you're.