I Don't Understand Why So Many Bad Things Happen To Me? Do I Bring It On Myself?
I'd like to share a list with you - a list of things that hae been happening and let you decide if I'm doing something wrong because this is getting out of control - every day something terrible happens out of the blue - you won't believe it could all be happening to one person in such a short space of time...
I have been depressed for over 10 years now - I was diagnosed for the first time ten years ago (when I was 19) and began seeing doctors, getting medication, taking it for a while, not taking it when I couldn't make myself go back to the docs, moving home alot and going to new docs...etc etc.
I know this hasn't been conducive to getting on top of my illness but it's just worked out that way. The things is I cannot seem to get any doctor anywhere to seriously try and give me a proper diagnosis. They always give me the same pills (citalopram or cipralex) and yet I don't feel like I fit the mould properly for standard depression.
I have depressive phases, where I am utterly useless. I can't sleep or I sleep all the time. I don't eat or I eat a ton of junk. I dont want to talk to anyone so I push people away and then I goo out and desperately want to conect with strangers. But these episodes don't actually last that long - they can become fairly prolonged and go into months but that is quite rare.
I am usually fairly good at hiding my depression because you simply cannot be open and honest with the whole world or you'd spend all day explaining your problems and wouldn't feel better so I find it easier to just struggle through without most people knowing. And when I'm feeling ok I'm a bit crazy - I love to go out and I know I tend to drink too much at times because I feel so hyperactive and happy and I don't want the good times to end . I feel so happy and try to sort out everybody elses problems and I'm sure I can achieve anything I want, and then suddenly I get down again. It isn't gradual it always happens in an instant - something just triggers me off and then I am in a depressive episode and I cannot see the way out and hate myself and often think of suicide as my only option.
So there's the background to my depression...now I know that depressed people always see the bad side of things and focus more on the negative things but I want you to look at this next list and be aware that I am consciously trying to include both the positive and the negative things because I am really starting to believe that it is impossible for so many bad things to happen to one person unless they bought it on themselves...it's just too much right now - almost every day something bad comes out of the blue and hurts me and I am really starting to believe that nothing good will ever happen again. I'm not kidding here - this list is unbelievable
I leave my violent partner of 3 years - I have no money, no job, no home. no witnesses to domestic violence so i walk away with my broken bones and start again - leaving him with everything and me with nothing.
I struggle through months of no money and sleeping on my sisters floor and eventually get a place at a martitime training university to train for being a marine engineer and get paid for it. I am in a relationship with a man who lives near my sister.
I start maritime college and my partner dumps me within 2 months even though I see him every weekend and we speak several times a day on the phone.
I Eventually meet someone else and shortly after I meet him I dislocate and fracture my arm in multiple places. I cannot do any coursework or exams and dont get enough sea-time in that term.
We move in together with his brother - they fall out and he goes back up to live in glasgow temporarily and I am stuck down here homeless - i move into college.
I have stacks of coursework and exams from this year and last year combined - I ask for assistance but the college won't help and they say I shouldn't have come back as i had too much to catch up.
I find out the support staff didnt fill my form in correctly whilst i was off sick (with my arm - couldn't participate in practical lectuers etc so for insurance purposes i had to not attend) the consequences of this are that I have to pay £50 per exam and piece of coursework as they will technically be re-sits, even though I never took them in the first place because the staff didn't know how to complete the circumstances form. this will be about £600...
I am still homeless and as soon as I have sea time again (about july) i wont be able to stay on campus and have nowhere to go - my stuff is in a friends garage so I have hardly any clothes or books or anything with me.
My partner is still in glasgow and until he gets some money he can't come back down but i send up alot of my allowance to help him survive.
My violent ex has just contacted me - we have been in occasional contact but this time he's just discovered he has a month or two to live and I am devastated - he was sucessfully getting off the drink and had admitted the things he'd done and was getting so much better and I thought I was just starting to heal over that part of my life by remembering the good times instead of the **** times and then this happens and nobody understands how i feel - my family are being very callous - i understand that they don't like him but surely if I am upset then they should support me no matter what the reason is instead of cutting me off and making me feel bad for being upset.
So lets recap - I have nowhere to live - my stuff is in a friends garage and some of our valuable things - like the furniture to set up on our own - are still at my fiances brothers house - my family dont support my depression, they say I should just cheer up and that nothing is wrong - they are not talking to me now because I said I was upset about my ex dying - I am grieving for him already and living under a cloud knowing and waiting for him to die - my lovely new partner is homeless (living with his daughter) and jobless and 500 miles away from me - i'm snowed under totally with so much work that I spend all day after lectures and most nights until ten pm in the library.
I failed one piece of coursework already this year because of overwork and stress and i just freaked out and couldnt get it done on time - i begged for more time but didnt get it. Another piece is borderline fail and I'm hoping I'll pass - I have two weeks lessons and revision then two weeks easter break and then a week of exams and the I get hit with all my first year exams sometime after that so there is no respite.
It has all happened in a about a year but in reality this last few months have been the ones where everything has piled on top of me with jim being away and so much work and the bad news and getting kicked out of his brothers etc.
So what about the good things?
Well I found a lovely boyfriend - but he then left me so that isnt really a good thing because I dont have happy memories - just hurt and pain.
I found another lovely boyfriend who proposed on christmas day - thats good
I got a good mark in one half of one of my exams (74%) havent taken the other half yet
Thats it - no nice days - I didnt get anything for valentines day or my birthday - not even a card or a handwritten note. I never get letters to college and nobody calls me. I get the occasional text from my sister but she gets upset that I stay in college because I have work to do and can't afford time off or finacially afford to get the trains and taxis etc to get to her.
Oh I won a £5 on a scratchcard the other day too.
When will something good happen - its just an interminable round of sadness and bad things and I just want a few good things to happen to to balance it all out or I feel like whats the point of living when things just keep getting worse and worse.
I think maybe I need to do things to make good things happen but nothing works - I take a night off and go out, I call or email or text all my friends to stay in touch but never get much response back as they all live so far away and we never see each other anymore, I stay in the library all night working and then go to the cafe/bar after just to remain social for an hour, I get out of my room and go for a walk at weekends or go to the gym before I do more work.
I'm not being a hermit but still I just wake up every morning wondering what sad news I'l' hear today.