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I Don't Understand Why So Many Bad Things Happen To Me? Do I Bring It On Myself?

I'd like to share a list with you - a list of things that hae been happening and let you decide if I'm doing something wrong because this is getting out of control - every day something terrible happens out of the blue - you won't believe it could all be happening to one person in such a short space of time...

I have been depressed for over 10 years now - I was diagnosed for the first time ten years ago (when I was 19) and began seeing doctors, getting medication, taking it for a while, not taking it when I couldn't make myself go back to the docs, moving home alot and going to new docs...etc etc.



I know this hasn't been conducive to getting on top of my illness but it's just worked out that way. The things is I cannot seem to get any doctor anywhere to seriously try and give me a proper diagnosis. They always give me the same pills (citalopram or cipralex) and yet I don't feel like I fit the mould properly for standard depression.



I have depressive phases, where I am utterly useless. I can't sleep or I sleep all the time. I don't eat or I eat a ton of junk. I dont want to talk to anyone so I push people away and then I goo out and desperately want to conect with strangers. But these episodes don't actually last that long - they can become fairly prolonged and go into months but that is quite rare.

 

I am usually fairly good at hiding my depression because you simply cannot be open and honest with the whole world or you'd spend all day explaining your problems and wouldn't feel better so I find it easier to just struggle through without most people knowing. And when I'm feeling ok I'm a bit crazy - I love to go out and I know I tend to drink too much at times because I feel so hyperactive and happy and I don't want the good times to end . I feel so happy and try to sort out everybody elses problems and I'm sure I can achieve anything I want, and then suddenly I get down again. It isn't gradual it always happens in an instant - something just triggers me off and then I am in a depressive episode and I cannot see the way out and hate myself and often think of suicide as my only option.

 

So there's the background to my depression...now I know that depressed people always see the bad side of things and focus more on the negative things but I want you to look at this next list and be aware that I am consciously trying to include both the positive and the negative things because I am really starting to believe that it is impossible for so many bad things to happen to one person unless they bought it on themselves...it's just too much right now - almost every day something bad comes out of the blue and hurts me and I am really starting to believe that nothing good will ever happen again. I'm not kidding here - this list is unbelievable



  • I leave my violent partner of 3 years - I have no money, no job, no home. no witnesses to domestic violence so i walk away with my broken bones and start again - leaving him with everything and me with nothing.


  • I struggle through months of no money and sleeping on my sisters floor and eventually get a place at a martitime training university to train for being a marine engineer and get paid for it. I am in a relationship with a man who lives near my sister.


  • I start maritime college and my partner dumps me within 2 months even though I see him every weekend and we speak several times a day on the phone.


  • I Eventually meet someone else and shortly after I meet him I dislocate and fracture my arm in multiple places. I cannot do any coursework or exams and dont get enough sea-time in that term.


  • We move in together with his brother - they fall out and he goes back up to live in glasgow temporarily and I am stuck down here homeless - i move into college.


  • I have stacks of coursework and exams from this year and last year combined - I ask for assistance but the college won't help and they say I shouldn't have come back as i had too much to catch up.


  • I find out the support staff didnt fill my form in correctly whilst i was off sick (with my arm - couldn't participate in practical lectuers etc so for insurance purposes i had to not attend) the consequences of this are that I have to pay £50 per exam and piece of coursework as they will technically be re-sits, even though I never took them in the first place because the staff didn't know how to complete the circumstances form. this will be about £600...


  • I am still homeless and as soon as I have sea time again (about july) i wont be able to stay on campus and have nowhere to go - my stuff is in a friends garage so I have hardly any clothes or books or anything with me.


  • My partner is still in glasgow and until he gets some money he can't come back down but i send up alot of my allowance to help him survive.


  • My violent ex has just contacted me - we have been in occasional contact but this time he's just discovered he has a month or two to live and I am devastated - he was sucessfully getting off the drink and had admitted the things he'd done and was getting so much better and I thought I was just starting to heal over that part of my life by remembering the good times instead of the **** times and then this happens and nobody understands how i feel - my family are being very callous - i understand that they don't like him but surely if I am upset then they should support me no matter what the reason is instead of cutting me off and making me feel bad for being upset.


So lets recap - I have nowhere to live - my stuff is in a friends garage and some of our valuable things - like the furniture to set up on our own - are still at my fiances brothers house - my family dont support my depression, they say I should just cheer up and that nothing is wrong - they are not talking to me now because I said I was upset about my ex dying - I am grieving for him already and living under a cloud knowing and waiting for him to die - my lovely new partner is homeless (living with his daughter) and jobless and 500 miles away from me - i'm snowed under totally with so much work that I spend all day after lectures and most nights until ten pm in the library.

I failed one piece of coursework already this year because of overwork and stress and i just freaked out and couldnt get it done on time - i begged for more time but didnt get it. Another piece is borderline fail and I'm hoping I'll pass - I have two weeks lessons and revision then two weeks easter break and then a week of exams and the I get hit with all my first year exams sometime after that so there is no respite.



It has all happened in a about a year but in reality this last few months have been the ones where everything has piled on top of me with jim being away and so much work and the bad news and getting kicked out of his brothers etc.



So what about the good things?

Well I found a lovely boyfriend - but he then left me so that isnt really a good thing because I dont have happy memories - just hurt and pain.

I found another lovely boyfriend who proposed on christmas day - thats good



I got a good mark in one half of one of my exams (74%) havent taken the other half yet

Thats it - no nice days - I didnt get anything for valentines day or my birthday - not even a card or a handwritten note. I never get letters to college and nobody calls me. I get the occasional text from my sister but she gets upset that I stay in college because I have work to do and can't afford time off or finacially afford to get the trains and taxis etc to get to her.

Oh I won a £5 on a scratchcard the other day too.

 

When will something good happen - its just an interminable round of sadness and bad things and I just want a few good things to happen to to balance it all out or I feel like whats the point of living when things just keep getting worse and worse.

 

I think maybe I need to do things to make good things happen but nothing works - I take a night off and go out, I call or email or text all my friends to stay in touch but never get much response back as they all live so far away and we never see each other anymore, I stay in the library all night working and then go to the cafe/bar after just to remain social for an hour, I get out of my room and go for a walk at weekends or go to the gym before I do more work.



I'm not being a hermit but still I just wake up every morning wondering what sad news I'l' hear today.

 

 

 

 

 

wherehashappinessgone wherehashappinessgone 26-30, F 9 Responses Mar 11, 2010

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I totally get it. My luck is twice as bad the past lifetime. Feal lucky your not me. I'm sitting in a semi in Miami sweating cause my boss won't give me fuel to idle. And wants me to get rid off my dogs n pay him 600 a month to work here. My cars been in the shop for 2 months n even when they do fix it I don't have the money to get it out. I got HUD assistance to rent an apt. But after work I have no way to get there. That's just one week. It gets better. Trust me.

My Friend,

You allow your emotions to over-rule what you instinctively know is not good for you. The net result is an ongoing series of bad decisions. At some point, this happens to many people. It does not mean you are bipolar, as one commentator stated. Ignore that. It does mean that you need support making better decisions for yourself. Awareness alone usually is not enough. I encourage you to seek out free 12 step programs, such as Codependents Anonymous, in your area, or to seek out older & wiser mentors....perhaps a neighbor you admire, perhaps someone from an organization you admire, etc. I would also encourage you to put aside romantic/sexual relationships w/ men until you have repaired your self-esteem and have developed healthier living/decision making habits - which will require an investment of time. Do not sell your dreams and long term goals for immediate gratification of your desires. Tame the negatives inside of yourself...which will be difficult but can be achieved one day at a time.

Remember that no matter what, there is always more right with you than wrong. Self discipline equals freedom & strength. Good friends strengthen you. Weak friends weaken you. Remove yourself from those with problems. You have enough in dealing with your own.

Mostly, remember to build a support system from those who have their lives together. Let your ex-boyfriends/abusers find someone else to rescue them. You can still love them AND let them go.

Best Wishes,

A friend.

I know this is old, but it might reach other people in similar circumstances. You have what we call in America Bypolar Disorder. You must get treated for that. Citaloptam or the medication only help with depression. You must take your medication as prescribed as it takes from 3-6 weeks to take effect. If the medication doesn't work ask for a different one. There are plenty out there. I had to try five or six different medications until I found a combination that worked. Sometimes you need more than one. You are using your relationships as therapy and that never works. I hear the UK has good medical insurance. If one doctor or therapyst dont work for you, find somebody else. Good luck and you obviously have what it takes. Suicide is NEVER an option.

I know this is old, but it might reach other people in similar circumstances. You have what we call in America Bypolar Disorder. You must get treated for that. Citaloptam or the medication only help with depression. You must take your medication as prescribed as it takes from 3-6 weeks to take effect. If the medication doesn't work ask for a different one. There are plenty out there. I had to try five or six different medications until I found a combination that worked. Sometimes you need more than one. You are using your relationships as therapy and that never works. I hear the UK has good medical insurance. If one doctor or therapyst dont work for you, find somebody else. Good luck and you obviously have what it takes. Suicide is NEVER an option.

I know this is old, but it might reach other people in similar circumstances. You have what we call in America Bypolar Disorder. You must get treated for that. Citaloptam or the medication only help with depression. You must take your medication as prescribed as it takes from 3-6 weeks to take effect. If the medication doesn't work ask for a different one. There are plenty out there. I had to try five or six different medications until I found a combination that worked. Sometimes you need more than one. You are using your relationships as therapy and that never works. I hear the UK has good medical insurance. If one doctor or therapyst dont work for you, find somebody else. Good luck and you obviously have what it takes. Suicide is NEVER an option.

It seems to me that you invited everything that came upon you

Maybe i can give a piece of advice that i should also follow. Be cynical and pretend, just try, be crazy in another way. Just think things differently. I'm also feeling bitter towards life. Don't care is the most important thing. Don't let things affect you let them take their course. Always try your best and if you don't get what you want, just let it be, next time you'll. But always try to be and have the best. About everything else, just don't care, if you care too much it will affect you.

xxx

Don't you just hate it when people say look on the bright side; or if you just looked more positively on things it wouldn't be so bad? In other words when bad things happen these days, its easier for others to say, aahh, it must be something you have done, some failure in you. Don't listen to that crap. From what you've said, you have had bad things happen to you, and that would drive anyone nuts. When bad things happen we jump from blaming ourselves to blaming the bastard that did it and back again to ourselves for "letting it happen". This then leaves us feeling shell-shocked and terrified of making the same mistakes again. When bad **** happens, we feel bad. If our windows were bricked, we would buy metal cages, so why do folk criticise when our lives are bricked and we batten down our mental hatches? You are keeping going, driving yourself hard and you have balls girl. Get yourself your best pal and a bottle of wine and talk talk talk to figure out what you really need right now. Best wishes xxx