decline and decay

I am so tired of feeling like this. i'm in a relationship with someone who is more wise and mature than me even though are ages are not that different. he's good to me. he makes me happy. but every so often, a little too often, i make a mistake, and it feels like i'm rotting at my core. my solar plexus feels sour and numb and tingly, like a severe cavity in my tooth, like decomposition. i open my mouth at all the wrong times to all the wrong people and then i close it, making the same mistake. i don't tell him what i should when i should and when i do i don't open my mouth all the way and there are tiny details i still cling to. and then i tell everyone else things i shouldn't, opening my mouth far too wide and saying things they don't need to hear. i keep making mistakes like i can't think clearly anymore my mind is fogged up and slumbering; frozen, dreamy, dreary. it's hurting him. it's scaring him. it's scaring me. and hurting me. i can't help feeling so pathetic. so childish. i'm trying to reach out. i'm trying to live before i die. but i'm stuck. we're stuck. financially, which leads to personally, which leads to our relationship, we are.. stuck. i'm tired of finding so many reasons to hate myself.. i'm tired of feeling like a bad girlfriend. i'm tired of feeling like a freak for asking weird questions. i'm tired of strangers looking at me like i'm a terrorist. i'm tired of feeling completely isolated in my own town. so sick so sick so sick of being stuck. i want to be happy. i can't stand this puddle of self pity anymore. i want to make him happy.  i want to be on his level. but that's so much to live up to. i wasn't brought up like him and i don't have a clear distinction of right and wrong. i thought i did at one time, but i was only a child. i was always smarter, had more common sense, and was better at making decisions than anyone i grew up with, or really ever knew, but considering the people, that isn't saying much. and it's nothing at all compared to him. i used to be like a therapist to all my friends, but now i've got things like "act like you got some sense!" and "you just don't know how to talk to people..." ringing in my ears. it's been made apparent that i'm not at all who i thought i was, and at this point, i have absolutely no idea who or where i am, what i'm doing, what i'm worth, what's it's gonna take to start turning my life around. i'm lost i've been turning in constant circles in an endless loop trying so hard to find my way but now i'm just dizzy i sat down to clear my head but i feel so sick i don't even feel motivated to get back up on my feet..
mercurymat mercurymat
18-21, F
May 14, 2012