Scares & Tears

At first it is great, like we are the best of friends. Then she suddenly explodes.. I dont know what I have done.. She calls me ***** as if Im not her daughter, I try to calm her down but she pushes me away.. Then she says things like, "I can't wait to die and get away from you!" How do you think I feel when she says that? It kills me, I hate it... I try to get away from it, but it will never get out my head.. so, i turn to something else.. a blade. Could of I found something else? Like someone to talk to, "NO!" why? because no one doesn't get it.. Im not going to stop, not even for my boyfriend.. that i love so much.. I tell him everything but he's like everyone else. Talks about my mother as if she isn't alive. I feel its my fault that I cause the fights, but I just dont know what i do.. I dont even try. She don't even trust me with anyone. At least Im still alive, with so many scares on my arms. I love my mom, but feels like she has nothing for me. I have the moments when I'm in my room crying my eyes out as I'm going to die there on my bed alone.. She tels me she loves me then it suddenly goes to, "You little *****, **** you! get away from me!" makes me cry, she doesnt know i feel like this. I love her soo much, I also hide my scares and my sleeping pills around her, so she won't know the pain I go through around her. I Love my mom, I just wish she would stop.