I Miss My Children

I never thought I would be divorced after 15 years of marriage. I waited until 31 to get married in the hope that it would last the rest of my life. I loved her enough to continue despite the mental illness, which seemed to be manageable as long as I made enough money to facilitate her building a fortress of possessions around herself to fend off her demons. Demons that grew out of the Vietnam conflict, from seeing blood in the streets as a child, from cowering with her grandfather under the kitchen table during the Nixon ordered B-52 raids. She remembers the bombs going off, her grandfather shaking, never knowing if they would survive. The rape at knifepoint at 18 changed her, I do not think she would have survived emotionally had she not fought back and killed him on the spot, he was left dead in the jungle with a stab wound to the chest.

I remember her night terrors, slapping me and crying out in her sleep, I would gently calm her, console her, reassure her that everything was alright, that she was safe. I asked for someone to save, someone to help, all I can say now is be careful what you ask for. Over the course of the marriage the line between us blurred, I did not take care of myself and wound up depressed, curled up in a corner of our home, unable to work or to continue as a husband, father, therapist and chore boy. I felt for years like nothing I did was enough, nothing could satiate the black hole in her heart, not my love, money, attention, children, businesses, new cars, nothing. 

I filed for divorce September 2010 after I left for the 3rd and final time. The divorce was finalized in November 2011. I would not wish the journey I have been on for anyone, it has been the hardest experience of my entire life. After leaving she dated men in front of me and my children, she drew a revolver on me and pulled the trigger three times, she emptied the store I built for her of $100K in bank secured assets, she stole my father's car and money, she did everything within her power to destroy and decimate everything. Now all she has left to influence is our children.

In Michigan if you love your kids, even if your estranged spouse has documented issues of mental illness and drug abuse the only way to get custody is with A LOT of money. My money ran our before trial, so to spare my children and myself the ongoing agony of the divorce I let go of my bid for full custody, remembering the tale of the 2 mothers and king Solomon, as well as the time my ex nearly tore my then 2 year old sons arm out of the socket as I ran from the house with him when she was in an abusive rage. That day, as with my decision to let go of my fight for full custody, were based in my love for my children. To prevent them from additional physical and emotional abuse at the hands of their mother when she is locked in a rage, I had to let go. To let go has been heartbreaking. I have not seen my son since July and my daughter since August. I have reasonable rights of parenting but she does not let me see my kids, neither she or her boyfriend will return my calls. FOC investigator appears overworked and so far unwilling to take conclusive action, so I continue to document each instance of denial and send frequent letters. I do not want to call too often because I get accused of harassment. I had to block my son on Facebook because he has been so filled with anger and acrimony he attacks, seeking some type of contact, in this case negative. 

I want to hold him and my daughter again, tell them as I have always done the divorce is NOT in any way their fault, that they will get through this and I love them. Sometimes I feel like I do not have children any more, they have become distant memories. I feel at a loss on how to re establish contact, what to say, what to do. First stop once FOC acts is counseling again, I think that is the best way to start to rebuild the broken bridges. I dream of them, getting them gifts, but I awake before I see them, a cruel twist. I awake feeling anticipation and at the same time loss, guilt and sadness. 
michigan1964 michigan1964
46-50, M
1 Response Jan 1, 2012

I´m sorry to hear that. <br />
At least you can leave the sad memories behind <br />
and create some new once! <br />
<br />
You truly deserve to be happy! <br />
And be strong for your children :) <br />
<br />
Take care and have a great day<br />
- Marin. <br />
<br />
PS: Great story :) Thank you for sharing :)