I've Finally Won the Freaking War. :]

    I've had a long battle with how I feel about myself. It started out as pure hatred. I came to the US, barely speaking a word of English, and felt pretty worthless. Nontheless, I felt I was still superiour to everyone around me. Around late elementary school I found some friends and began to feel pretty good about myself, but I didn't have anything deep like what I really wanted. Nobody else shared my cynical point of view. I scared most potential friends away, and no one could really get close to me. In 8th grade, I got my first boyfriend. It was an online relationship. He was from Oklahoma, I from Michigan. We met on runescape. Que Romantico, eh? (Yeah, I took Spanish, but it hasn't done much for me.)
    i was so in love with this guy.... he was my first love, and I would've thrown myself in front of an oncoming train for him. But he emotionally abused me. Not intentionally, I think, he was just a stupid 14-year old who didn't have his priorities straight. He told me all the time about the girls he messed around with. He now claims he only said this to be a wise-***, but I don't think it matters. It was real to me, and it hurt like hell. One time he came online, telling me he was drunk. I said, "Hey, what're you up to?"
"Getting lucky." Panic. It wouldn't surprise me if he was serious. But he'd complained that I didn't trust him recently, so I decided to give it another try.
"Ha ha, no really. What're you doing?"
"Getting head."
    When I wasn't leaving him for screwing around with other girls, he was leaving me for his ex. He couldn't make up his mind. It took me so long to figure out I was second best. I wrote a whole poem about it then. Something like, "I don't want so be your second best, I know I deserve better, I should stand above the rest, in any case or matter. I don't want to be your plan C, when I should be your plan A, so Im finally ending this, Im leaving you today."
His response? "Your not my plan C, your plan B." WOW. Thanks SO much. Leaving him never lasted long, though. I really did love him. And if I didn't stand by him, who would?
He was so messed up... drugs, alcohol, girls, I worried about him. He's suicidal. We still talk.
    But it's not my fault. And I now have a beautiful boyfriend who treats me perfect. Dotes on me. Next month we'll have been together for 18 months.
When I started having trouble with my first boyfriend, I developed a couple bad habits, though. Like thinking of all the different ways the people in my life could hurt me. I used to think up all the ways he's leave me. All the **** he'd do to me. I thought I'd love him anyway. I do. And he did do ****. Far too much, if you ask me. I felt so worthless coming out of that relationship.
When my current boyfriend told me he liked me, too... I didn't believe him! I thought it was a joke. I thought, "Oh God, not this little drama skit again." So I played along with it, but I didn't believe it. It doesn't really sound that bad when I write it down... but it was my mindset that nobody could possibly like me. I had no allies in the world. I had nothing but my own self-hatred. Everyday I waited for that boy to hurt me. I thought up different ways he would. And he never did. He never has.
    And I realized that I was worth something, and that if this incredible person saw something in me, I could, too.
    Now I'm rethinking everything. I'm in control of my mind and my feelings. I'm unique, I'm definitely beautiful, I can write when I put myself to it, and I'm occasionally philosophical.
And I love who I've become, and who I'm growing into.

I wish you all the same luck in life.
squeakycow squeakycow
18-21, F
Aug 13, 2007