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God Is Within Me And Beyond

I believe that god will protect me and the people and the animals I love... 

I always ask god to take care of my pets no matter what... and all the little animals out there who need a home or are sick

I just want to find a place where I belong god.... and not have to feel a burden to anyone but to stand along side everyone else equally

I long for a nice house of my own, and a husband and at least one child ... I want to know what its like to have the man I am in love with loving me....

I want to know what its like to look beautiful and loved at the same time... 

I want to walk freely in the sun and not be afraid to hold onto love.

I want a dream or two ...of my own to come true that has goodness around it

God is around me in my suffering ... even in my messy bedroom among the cockroaches and fleas

I need gods love and light forever radiating in me and around me... at night and day ... in the glory of his name

When I marry the man I love in a church and have the love I know I deserve I know I will be blessed ...

I still love william and harry I just wish I could have had time with them the way I wanted to ... I feel sorry I could not be more to them..... I needed a nice man in my life 25 years ago ... I thought I would be married 20 years ago ... I wanted to find love desperately 10 years ago...

I am not afraid to be left on the shelve in gods name I will for god... I just don't understand why young men have rejected me...

I wish god would tell me why??? why young men rejected me in my teens ... I guess because we were poor and I was an ugly fat red haired dog...!!!

I try not to crave the types of guys .... like the men I met yesterday... I feel bad that I dream of coveting their love.... they are too pristine for the likes of a dog like me.... but I still crave... 

sometimes god I feel like I am truly the last person on this earth with a conscience.... you gave me the toughest conscience any human being could own.... and no one else I know has half the conscience I have...why is that??? 

but for all things settled I would sooner have a conscience than be like Rick and Katy or Joyce or my cousins. 

and I am way too humble and modest as well... 

I truly can't forgive the evil person that got me in that mess with that spastic ken carey.... or trying to blame me for making people live out my dreams on them ... its always them as the heroine or them as the star or them as the hero ... when it was my dream and my moment in my teens and early twenties ... to find a love of my own.... like Mr Blue Shoes physique and frame etc ... .

I never wanted to be treated the way ken treated me... I never wanted a fat married man in a hotel as ugly as that like that... that is a mans fantasy and not a womans.... 

I always fantasied god... and I feel dreadfully dirty for it ... but I used to dream of a 20s English lifestyle and living in a large house and having a glass house like in sound of music and with plants and orchids and seats and having a boy friend I know visit me and take me into the glass house and have such passion and innocent passion like a teenager or virgin ... ... having sexual experiences that were nice for me.... ken was not my idea of nice... he was too pushed onto me and it felt dirty and bad ... I wanted a love that took time ... maybe I would meet him in the library at university and take him home to meet my parents and kiss under the stars and swim in the pool or something... that was my fantasy  over again... the same fantasy of a love in the gardens in an English manor or French countryside Manor... 

now its all too late.... why dont people understand me???? why do I keep meeting evil minded people who don't give me a fair go? 

why are my relatives so mentally ill...???? criminally insane is the word really...!


anyway, god its too late now... and that just done... end of story.... 

what is done is done!
czaristacrystals czaristacrystals 36-40, F 2 Responses Mar 9, 2012

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I never got the chance to know who I was ... so that is why I started spliting young...



why couldn't anyone see that Bill was molesting me.... how wrong it was ... how immoral he was for it... how awful it made me feel... like I was not good enough for young men ... no one has the right to take my life away from me like that....



but they have... I can only dream now at what kind of lawyer I could have been...



what kind of friend I could have been... or what kind of mother I would have made



I can only dream .... because the truth is its too late.... to dream ... its too late for any dream to come true now for me....



I just can't bare an old man hand touching me now... not again... not ever ever ever again... no.... never would I have a dirty old man... so David, Bob, etc can just forget it ...



they can't just kill me off that easily here ...

I love however being humiliatingly defeated .... I am a bit of a devil like that....!!!! :) chestier cat......LOL..... they made me who I am... I like making people feel that irony that unrestful irony ... that happens when people ought to play fair and they ought to do many things and they don't.





I would have loved so many guys .... blue shoes ...in my drama class, a few guys I met ...but Im always out of sync ... god fffffffén why???? that is why I dont understand why so many men rejected me... but so many idiots wanted to control me... and they were born idiots ... why am I surrounded by idiots ? and liars??