So Is It Me?

Hi everyone, newbie here. Hope everyone is well.

This feels strange. Apart from my hubby who is fab and been with me for nearly 6 years now, no-one else knows how I really feel so please bear with me.

To try and summarise, everything was okay in Junior School, where I, despite having lots of health problems (including being deaf for the first few years of my life) was happy. I had lovely little friends who I trusted and felt happy with. Then, thanks to my sister's "unsavoury reputation with boys" we had to move away from the area, as my dad (another story there! - very toxic father and sister) didn't want to risk his reputation being sullied.

So we ended up in another place altogether and to cut sa long story short, by the time I joined the new school, everyone had their little groups already and I was left out completely.

Not only this to contend with but my mum (who I lost when I was 20 and was my best friend in the world), was very ill, had been since I was 3 so homelife was stressful to say the least, as we were constantly visiting my mum in hospital.

So, went to Comprehensive School which was hell. I was bullied for 5 years straight and although a so-called "friend and fellow outsider" tagged along sometimes (I met up with her last year again and will talk about that somewhere else as she has now just dumped me), she was quick to disappear when the bullies came by.

Please bear with me as I find this incredibly difficult.

Alongside all the home stuff and being bullied, I was also being bullied and treat disgracefully by my father and older sister. And because my poor mum was always in hospital, I had no-one. (I am also a carbon copy of my mum it has been said and I was blamed by father AND sister for making my mum ill while I was still in the womb!!)

I don't consider myself a "victim", but DO acknowledge that I had a tough time - it's made me who I am so how could I ignore it?

Eventually, I left school thankfully and went to college to do Business & Finance - I've always wanted my own business and gratefully now have it, although still in its infancy but here's hoping!

Made lots of friends there, who seemed genuine enough, but turned out cheating behind my back with my boyfriends, calling me fat and so on (I was never skinny but was a healthy size 16). I was always approached by guys when out because I didn't fuss about, when I went out I only went out to dance and enjoy it, NOT pick up guys and maybe my always-single friends didn't like that the "fat girl" got all the guys taking her out to some lovely places. I had an awful lot of male friends too, they all told me that I wasn't bitchy and catty, not like the other girls, and that I was just honest and no hidden agenda.

Of course, time moves on and they get girlfriends who don't like me being around, which is fair enough so I ended up losing them all.

And to put it bluntly, since then I have had a long string of "female friends" who have used me for money, to get to someone else, took my help and dumped me, or just otherwise took advantage of me then dumped me.

And since I am not one of these who say "it's not me, it's them!", I always have done and still do, wonder where I am going wrong.

Am I just not cut out for female friends? maybe I'm not suited.

Some good news though, I finally told my father what I thought of hime a couple of years ago in an email and he has never spoken to me since. Only thing is now, my sister who I tried to have a relationship with keeps falling out with me because she keeps trying to get me to forgive my father and call him. My sister and I are currently not speaking and she deliberately tells my niece and nephew that I don't care about them which kills me.

Gee, I'm sorry for boring everyone to tears! Sorry this was so long guys!

erm...if anyone is still reading, thanks for listening.

Lots of love to all,

Ratpackfan.x

Ratpackfan Ratpackfan
31-35, F
1 Response Feb 23, 2009

Hi rose, great to hear from you. I am so sorry to hear bout your divorce. If you need someone to talk to with no agendas, no hassle just a lot of understanding, compassion and a shoulder, please feel free to get in touch.x<br />
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Take care for now<br />
Ratpackfan.xxx