It's The Little Things That Make A World Of Difference.

Recently I have been going through a really rough and emotional time related to my daughters.
Throughout the years, no matter how rough or tough things got I was always very confident about being a good mother.
It was always something very important to me, a source of pride and what I hung onto when everything else seemed to be falling apart.
At the moment all the other troubles from the past have caught up to them and has caused an estrangement in our relationship.

The thing of it is there were no huge blow outs, arguments or battles.
There was no teenage defiance or misunderstanding in that way at all. 
It simply is circumstantial and a part of the healing process that we all must go through.  
We are all unique and different in how we deal with things and not one of us in wrong in how we do so.
That is the logical way around it, now it doesn't mean that the emotions can't override that at times.

And those emotions got the better of me a few days ago.
My source of confidence and pride has seriously been shaken in trying to deal with all this.
Overwhelming doubt, sorrow and grief for my girls, what they are going through and my identity as a good mother.
All caught up to me and took over like a furious storm and damn near swept me away.

I forced myself to get it together, notified my guy I was running an errand.
He told me to let him know when I am done and he will stop for a coffee break with me.
Little did he know that I had just spent the last two hours crying my heart out.
I grabbed our coffee and met him at his work site.
I sat with him as we chatted pretending everything was ok and I pulled it off as he made no notice of anything being wrong.
We talked about what to have for supper and he handed me the money to go pick up the groceries in order to make it.
I picked up the groceries, still battling my low mood, made supper and had it ready for when he finished work.
He ate in a hurry, telling me how great it was and that he was sorry but had to go help a friend out.
I didn't protest or say a word and let him go.
I didn't tell him that I could really use someone to talk too.  
Even if it was stupid stuff that meant nothing, the company would have been enough.

Twenty minutes later while still feeling sorry for myself he comes back to the trailer on his four wheeler and calls my name. 
I go to the door and he said, "Come with me for a minute I need your help with something."
I looked at him and said, "Ok, let me grab my shoes."
He told me to leave them, that I won't need them and moved forward on the bike for me to hop on.  
I was somewhat sceptical at this time but too curious to say anything and did as he asked.
He drove the bike over to the other side of the lot, right up to the rabbit pen him and his friend had built a few weeks earlier. 
There inside the pen were two baby Canadian Goose gosling's, still very young and fluffy.
I hugged him tight, and hopped off the bike to get a closer look.
They were so very sweet.  And in that moment my dark mood left me and filled me with a sense of well being that everything would be ok.

The next day while he was at work I went to my apartment to clean and start the process of packing.
When the neighbour girl who I had gotten rather close with over the last three years comes to the door.
She is a close friend of my oldest daughter. She visited asked how things are.
I told her that I would be moving soon.  We talked and laughed about things, touched on a few serious issues and details about recent events.
As she got ready to leave she gave me a great big huge hug and told me that she was going to miss me and how she wishes she had the same opportunities that my girls have.  I told her she was welcome to come for a visit any time.  
That evening my guy had his boys overnight and they were only supposed to be staying one night.

The boys talked about how great supper was and were chatting with their Dad when the oldest boy asked if him and his brother could stay until the weekend. 
So they called their mother and got it all arranged.  My guy was super happy they wanted to stay and made sure I was ok with it and asked if I minded tending to them after he leaves for work in the morning and taking them to daycare.  Of course I had no problem with that.  
So I got them ready for school and took them to daycare and made sure the teachers knew who I was and that I would be picking them up after.
As I was identifying myself with the one teacher as voice from behind said,
"I know this lady very well and will vouch for her no problem." 
I turned to find a lady I had gotten to know very well while working in another daycare.  We had worked together and respected each other greatly.
My guy was a bit nervous the daycare would give me a hard time.  I sent him a text telling him not to worry that I knew the one worker very well and there would be no issues.  

All of these things however insignificant they may seem were exactly what I needed to help me find some peace during a rather dark time within my heart. 
And although no one knew what was happening in my heart, they all made a difference. 

snowberry75 snowberry75
36-40, F
2 Responses May 10, 2012

It's sometimes hard to step back and give your kids the space they need to deal with things. I know that cause I've had to do it myself. <br />
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But the one thing you can be positive of is the fact they know how much you love them and care for them. Rest assured when the time comes they will be back much stronger young women then they were before.<br />
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Your daughters are lucky to have such a wonderful Mother.

You are so wise to be able to extract the good stuff you need from the good stuff that happens all around you. A lot of folks would benefit and find some happiness a lot more if they could figure out how to do this. I think you and the girls all need time to process what you're going thru. From all I've read you live in the upper 99th percentile of awesome parents. Just reading this one post shows how deep your love and care for everyone goes and how good you are at directing yourself too. <br />
You're all facing a rough time but you all will make it thru too... <br />
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I do think you'd be okay in telling your guy when you're feeling so low tho...I bet he'd understand and jump right in.....You're such a "protector" of the folks you love..... ♥