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I Wanted To Get Stalk Homes Syndrome.

As a kid I would constantly fantasize about getting kidnapped by a serial killer. He never killed me, but he would make me watch him kill, he would make me eat body parts. Nothing that I could imagine was more erotic- erotic is too base of a word for it. It felt transended. I wanted to know why. I wanted everything taken away from me. I wanted to understand. I would think about it. About killing a person.

All phases of the act.. thinking and fantasizing about it... Then picking and stalking a victim... All the things you could do once you are in possession of the victim. I look at it as the ultimate bond between two human beings. In the moment when you are about to kill someone, you are in complete control of everything in that person's world... the victim is so powerless... so exposed... in those moments the victim is in unequivocal completion... the wholeness of who they truly are has never been more realized by them...In that moment when you are about to die, is the only moment that you truly live... When you truly allow yourself to feel... because there is no future to worry about... and the past is pointless to regret. ...So many times I have wished I would be kidnapped. Taken away by a psychopath and shown what it truly means to feel. Not a mindless monster, an artist... someone elegant... Art, It is a concupiscent product of the human experience. It's exquisite, passionate; far transcended above the ludicrous stereotypes that people have to use in order to understand their narrow world. The truth is endless... And I want to explore the darkest corners of human consciousness...I want to find someone completely intoxicating... I want to be in the presence of calm intensity... Someone devoid of all fear and regret... Someone mesmerizing, fascinating, captivating... tantalizing... I want to be infatuated, entranced with pure omnipotence... The hedonism of another... I don't want to experience my fantasies alone. I want to find a... nother. Someone to save... and be brought down by at the same time. I want to get swept away...

Beauty has always been the most important thing to me. I almost drove myself crazy trying to define it, until I realized that it could not be defined. It's in everything; and part of everything is nothing: death. Abstract. The hidden beauty which is very subtle but in the same respect truly intense. I feel the same way about killers. I don't believe they should set out to cause 'pain' forsay, but to open up levels of consciousness in others where the idea of pain can be perceived differently. It is the human's ability to have such a higher understanding on the abstract world which makes us a more evolved than animals. We are able to see beyond. My goal is to overcome the physical world, at the same time embracing it. I want to change how I live. I don't want to be trapped in this life just doing what I think I am supposed to do; just surviving. One day I and everyone else will die, and even our memories will fade. Call me a nihilist but it's true, and the more I think about it the happier I become. Because I feel free.

Mothmilk Mothmilk 22-25, F 4 Responses Nov 29, 2009

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Its called Stockholm Syndrome, and its when a victim becomes co-dependant on their captor. What you are saying doesnt really come in the same category as that... <br />
Amberdextrous was quite right in what she said. <br />
Its too late, and Im too tired, but maybe you could get an S&M buddy or something. Because ending someone elses life is pretty extreme just for you to play out your fantasy.

Maybe serialkillerlover, but I know if I was a serial killer I wouldn't kill everyone I had in my possession.

Mothmilk, the fact is that most psychopaths and serial killers don't have anywhere near your ability to *feel* anything. <br />
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I have seen your profile, and your list of experiences, full of things like "I have room in my heart for broken people". Psychopaths and serial killers don't have room in their hearts for anyone.<br />
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I think it's a kind of psycho-sexual attraction you have to the idea of someone who feels themselves powerful enough to take another person's life. And that's OK. There are millions of women who would like to **** a serial killer, maybe because they love the idea of surrendering to that person's will, and being "special" enough to be spared.<br />
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You'll be fine.

Haha, yea right ugly.