Conjured By the Word(this has been driving me nuts!)

...okay guys. I've been pretty down lately, busy, and am running low on money every which way I go. Life is kinda sucking right now, and I'm tired of worrying so much about everything.

I'm tired of worrying about the things I want to keep and the things I'll never have. And I'm tired of hurting and continually hurting on the inside and just locking it all up. I do. I really do. I smile and pretend like I'm all happy, but I'm not. Sometimes I am happy, but hell, lately I've just been really depressed. I didn't even realize how bad I might be until yesterday in class.

Yeah, I've got this problem with bottling things up like tears and whatnot, but sometimes I just can't cry when I need to, but yesterday...almost did me in. We were assigned to write a story in my writing class about a favorite person or place when were kids. Immediately I thought back to a time when I was very young and with my friend in the woods. It was beautiful out there, peaceful, and I had always wanted to revisit the area, but we never did.

Okay so...normal right? So I choose that as my topic to discuss in my paper, and began rewriting what transpired in that place from my memory. Well...I had failed to remember the horrible memory associated with that place, and I was on a time limit and had not one ******* clue as to how messed up it was going to have me all day long. So I continued to write about the subject, and almost started crying while writing it.

I didn't flip out until we got back to the classroom to read our papers. I tried to get the first two sentences out and my voice started shaking. I then began closing my eyes trying to regain a bit of my sense but that didn't work either. And finally my teacher just let me off the hook. I felt horrible because everyone else read theirs, and here I was, unable to even finish the first two sentences clearly.

But I just couldn't do it. It had me all shaken up, and I...well it just felt like I was reliving that moment all over again. Never had a clue that just writing about what happened would stir up so many old strong feelings and pains I had felt then. It was horrible, and I felt kinda crazy for not being strong enough to read it, but I never act like that, and I just couldn't handle it.

It scared me though really made me feel crazy, and like an emotional wreck. I'm scared to admit that I might have some emotional problems, like everyone else in my family, because I have always been considered the 'strong one'. But I am also an artist and I do realize that some of this emotional baggage is what inspires some of my work; or rather the intensity of it.


It's just....I've always been a little different, but that just made me feel like a complete alien from outerspace or something. Here I was writing about death and here were classmates discussing happy times with their families. It made me sick and hate my life.

Ardestin Ardestin
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 26, 2009

...well...I wasn't trying to make people think anything about me. It wasn't like I was trying to put on a show...I just couldn't help it elixor.<br />
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But Belle you get where I'm coming from completely. I did feel as if I were reliving the memory to the fullest and it just had me all shaken up. That's all.

this happens to me all the time im so sorry it hapend to you you just feel like you want to be in that exact place all over again and on top of it everything in your real life is crashing down which makes you wanna go back there all the more you get that chill in you like your almost back in that place but then you look up and theres the class staring you in the face...waiting