It Was 21 Years

So like the title says, I haven't seen, heard from, or talked to my biological father since I was 2 years old and I'm 23, so 21 years I had wondered who my biological father was.
My mother says he had bonding issues since he was in an orphanage for a couple of years when he was 2 years old then was adopted, so he didn't have that bonding with anyone. He was in and out of relationships, had kids with almost all of them.
I was 2 years old when he desided to leave my mother, said the IRS was after him, but the truth was he just didn't trust anyone for too long and he would get parinoid and leave. So he left.
My mother told me that I would always ask her everyday where daddy was and I guess I always asked if he left because of me. Of course she said no and that he left because of her. Eventually I must have forgotten about him because I have no memory of any of this, except a dream I had all the time when I was younger. I dreamt that me and my mother where at home and there was a man at the door saying that he had to leave and said goodbye and my mother closed the door and I would wake up.
I told my mom about it recently and she said that was basicly how my dad left.
Well, I forgot about him, my mother remarried to my step dad and he became 'Dad' I thought he was my dad for the longest time until I was rummaging through my mothers things when I was about 9 I think and I found pictures of an older guy holding me as a baby. I asked my mother who the man was and she got really upset with me right away and told me to quit looking in her things, but i kept asking her who it was and she finally told me that the man was my Biological father. I was kind of shocked, I always thought my stepdad was my dad.
I was never close with my dad (stepdad) anyway, but after knowing that it felt like someone severed that bond that made him my dad. I didn't avoid him anymore than I usually did (very intimidating man).
After that I had always had a curiosity about who my biological father was and what he was like and all that. I never asked my mom anything since she would just get upset about it. So I never brought it up to her for years. Until over this past summer I asked about it and we had a talk about how he kind of ran out on relationships, but he really did love his kids.
So I had a few times tried looking him up on the internet, but nothing really ever came up so I quit looking until litterally last thursday.
Go figure, I thought maybe he'd have a facebook. So I typed in his name and there was quite a few people. Sucked. So I looked for someone who lived in the town that my mom said he did and there he was and there was my half brother that I forgot about.
I got shakey and I was so nervous to even send either one of them a message. I was scared that they wouldn't remember me or wouldn't want anything to do with me.
Well I ended up messaging and my half brother got back to me first. He called me and we had a nice talk really, but like my mother he told me to 'be careful with him, don't get your hopes up and don't expect much from him. You don't want to get hurt in the end.' Just made me upset. I know their looking out for me but let me make my own judgements and my own mistakes.
then on monday my biological father messaged me back, just saying how he was sorry and he didn't leave because of me and he won't leave again. I cried and I'm really not sure why. I don't know the man and I have no anger towards someone I don't know, but I cried and for the last couple of days everytime he texts me I've cried while talking to him and my brother called to tell me that our 'Father' has cried to him about how he was so happy he finally got to talk to me after so many years.
It's just been an exciting, scary time. But I am happy that I am getting to know my biological father and my half brother. :)
BrynWolf BrynWolf
26-30, F
Dec 14, 2012