And We Will Be Together Again One Day

I am twenty-eight years old. When I was eighteen I started going clubbing with a few good friends. We went to a nightclub in Cardiff, Wales called Vision2k where on Fridays they had a night called Enter The Dragon which comprised of trance and hard house. The first night I went I knew that this place was my spiritual home. We attended religiously every Friday for around fourteen months, each night being as perfect as the last. We always had a great time, there were always quality big-name DJs playing, and we always came home with sore feet and beautiful memories. Unfortunately the organisers had a fallout with the club owners (well, it goes a bit deeper than that) and Enter The Dragon kind of fell apart. They did attempt to start a new night called R.O.A.R. but ultimately the magic was gone and the unofficial family of like-minded clubbers we had grown to call our own started to dissolve. After that, the party was over. Nothing could ever replace it, all other clubs in Cardiff just not being the same. I guess we were possibly a little narrow-minded in looking at other clubs, or maybe it was just that our clubbing days had run their course. Either way that was pretty much the end of it all, although I do still go out with two of those friends (my then-and-now best friends) occasionally if there is a DJ playing somewhere that I fondly remember, or a night that simply looks too good to miss. At this point you must be thinking that my soul mate was the club but that would be...weird?...perverse? I just wanted to give a bit of background to the story (and remind myself of those wonderful nights).

Oh, one more bit of background: Around this time (actually, just before) I had moved out of my parents house and was sharing a house with three friends (who I will call D (guy), R (girl), and T (guy)). D and R were a couple at the time but a few months later they split up and R and T got together (all very amicable). When we all moved out of that shared house a few months later (I think we all knew from the start it wouldn't work, but we had a blast) R and T rented a place together and I moved in with my brother.

Anyway...One night R brought a girl to the club with her. She introduced the girl as her younger sister (N). Even though she was only fifteen (yes, we all know she shouldn't have even been in there) and I already had a girlfriend (V), as soon as I saw her I knew this was the girl I would always love. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen and an absolute pleasure to talk to. Watching her dance was enchanting. But before I knew it she was gone. I thought about her all the time, wishing I'd plucked up the courage to tell her how beautiful she was, or asked her for her phone number...but I didn't. Then came the time when we all moved out. As I said I moved in with my brother, and during that time V would come to visit me most days or I would visit her. Subsequently I stopped seeing T and R so much (terrible of me, I know). Four years later I split up with V and started to see T and R more. I started to go to their house to hang out with them and, to my surprise, N was there. She looked every bit as amazing as I remembered, more so. Even at this point I still didn't have the courage to really say much, and so for months we would all sit and watch TV or play games (yes, we were (are) all a bunch of wasters) with me and N never really saying much to each other, me watching her adoringly the whole time. Then one day we all decided to go to Creamfields together. Obviously T and R sat next to each other on the coach, which left myself and N to sit next to each other. Of course this meant we had to speak to each other, and so we did. I couldn't really tell you what we talked about but I know we didn't shut up the whole way. This actually suited T and R because N has a tendency to rabbit on and on which annoyed those two a little but I could listen to her my whole life and never get bored. We all had a fantastic day and the music was great but all I was really interested in was talking to N. We even missed the entire Basement Jaxx set because we were sitting in the middle of the crowd talking. Then on the coach home I slept with my head on N's lap and no feeling has ever topped that. Over the next few weeks we talked to each other via text message and would (somewhat secretly) meet up and just talk and have a laugh. I then went to Amsterdam with my brother and D (remember R's boyfriend from earlier?) and spent a fortune texting N back home. When I got back I met up with N and we went out and had our usual laugh. When we were saying our goodbyes I knew it was time to bite the bullet. In the most awkward fashion possible (I've never been the smoothest) I kissed her. I can't begin to describe how it felt, the whole world dissolved around me. At first we didn't tell T and R, partly because we thought it might be a problem (no idea why it would) and I think parly just because it was exciting. Anyway, eventually we did tell them and there it officially all began. All you need to know about the next twelve months is that they were the most amazing months of my life. It's not like we really went anywhere or did anything special, but we didn't need to. We were just so happy in each others company. Everything was...perfect (of course N may tell this story differently but this is certainly the way I remember it). N even told me that on that first night in the club she had felt the same way as I did and was hoping that I would say or do something. N also suffered a terrible relationship in the time after that night and I always still think that I could have prevented it if I'd had the guts to tell her how I felt at the time. But now we were together and it felt amazing. This was it: pure bliss, complete happiness. And then...

OKAY...time out. This next bit may not make any sense to you, and believe me it makes little to no sense to me either but I've never been the most straight-forward, balanced kind of guy. This is just the way my head worked and the way things panned out, there's no changing that.

Even though I'd always known we'd be together, and already had been for a year, I suddenly looked at the relationship in a new light. I really WAS going to be with her forever. I don't mean that I didn't want to be...far from it. But I felt as though I needed to be sure that she really was the one, so I cheated on her (I told you it wouldn't make sense). And guess what? N WAS the one I wanted...but I cheated on her with EXACTLY the wrong girl (J). J was severely depressed/disturbed/plain crazy and instantly "loved" me. She came to see me in work the very next day with bloodied wrists where she had (very gently) cut them, and told me that she couldn't live without me. This I hadn't counted on. This threw me completely. For a week I didn't know what to do and avoided N while I tried to figure out what I should do. I told J that I wanted to be with N and she said she understood...but then posted a letter through my door which luckily I found while N wasn't there. I weighed up my options: I could tell N what I'd done, but I feared that she wouldn't forgive me and I'd lose her. Or I could try and get away with it, but I couldn't face lying to her like that and I knew that J would somehow tell her anyway. On top of this J's behaviour was becoming increasingly erratic and I feared what she might do to herself. So I made what I believed to be the right decision for everbody (except myself): tell N that I was in love with someone else and it was over. That way although it would hurt N, at least I wouldn't be lying to her by not telling her what I did, and she didn't have to try to trust somebody who had cheated on her. Also it would be the best for J because she wouldn't hurt herself and I could try and help sort her problems out. As for me: I'd made my bed and now I should lie in it.

Of course, as you probably think anyway if you are a normal sane person, it was the wrong decision all round. N was hurt, as I knew she would be (and I was still lying to her anyway), J was happy because she'd got me (even though it was a lie), and I was miserable because I'd given up everything I wanted because I thought it was the right thing to do and I was scared that J would do something stupid.

So N went her own way and that was the last I saw of her. It was also the last I saw of T and R, mainly (well, completely) due to the fact that I was so embarassed about what I'd done to R's sister. R had even sent me a message saying that although N was her sister, we were friends and nothing would change that. But still I couldn't face them and so drifted away (plus they didn't know the truth, nobody did). J also disliked most of my friends anyway, so on the odd occasion I would bump into T in the street it would inevitably be a major sticking point that I had talked to him. It was just easier not to see them.

What followed were the darkest Eighteen months of my life. I was trapped (or so I thought) in a relationship that I didn't want with a girl I didn't love. I can't say that we never had good times because, of course, you try to make the best of any situation. I tried and tried to make myself love J but it never really happened. If anything I grew to resent her more and more because of what she'd done (yes, I know I was actually the one who did it). A week into this relationship J told me she might be pregnant. As it turned out this was a lie to make sure I wouldn't leave, I don't think you can even know within a week. This routine followed each and every month even though I gave up believing her. Two weeks into the relationship she asked me when we would be getting married. When I said I didn't know and that it would happen when the time was right it caused a big argument which culminated in her cutting her wrists again. I'd like to point out that this was only ever done as a means of getting attention, she would barely even break the skin but at the time I'd never experienced anything like this and it scared the hell out of me as I didn't want to be responsible for somebody killing themself. I also attempted to split up with her eight or nine times but every time the suicide card would be played and I would get scared so I gave in at every turn and resorted to living the lie once again. The arguments about marriage and children continued for eighteen months along with her suffering from an eating disorder which, despite my best efforts, I was powerless to help her with or make her seek help for. Every other conversation we had would result in her getting upset about something. Every little thing in our relationship would cause her to explode and find a different way to "attempt" suicide. I accidentally found the way to stop these actions when one day she was yet again gently grazing her wrists with, of all things, a Bic safety razor. Being able to take no more I grabbed the razor from her and told her I'd show her how to do it. I repeatedly hacked at my wrist with it. Obviously it was never going to do too much damage...but it did hurt like hell and has left me with quite a nasty permanent scar. She never did it again after that, although
she did continue to try and "overdose" by taking four paracetamol, or try and freeze by lying in a cold bath (never for long though, I found out she would run the bath and get in moments before I was due home). I stayed with her, not because I loved her, but because I felt that I had to help sort her life out. How could I just leave her like this? But exactly the opposite happened. I had no chance of saving her and was just getting dragged down myself. My mother even started asking why I was never happy any more and what the problem was, every time I would make a different excuse. There is simply too much to explain about this relationship and the effect it had on me, and I don't want you to think I blame J for what happened because I don't. The way I see it she was so insecure and so lost to depression that she felt that she needed to be married so that she wasn't alone, and I think she wanted children so that she didn't have to focus on her own problems, but that to me would have been the worst possible reason to bring a child into the world. A lot of her actions were also deeply calculated to engineer exactly the right response from me, I see this now. I also knew that if I did have a child with her I'd be having it with the wrong person as I still constantly thought about N. I even told J that I was still in love with N and she said it didn't matter as long as I stayed with her. This was also another reason I couldn't live the lie anymore: how could I stay with someone who knew that I didn't love her? In the end I knew that she didn't even love me anyway, I was just a means to an end. I was a husband to be there for her and somebody to give her a child.

Eventually I knew that enough was enough. I wanted to try to help her initially...but staying with her and not loving her was never going to help her and I began to realise that. Plus what if I did help her with her problems? Eventually I would have to leave anyway and that would probably undo everything. It was also causing me to be depressed myself, I still am. So I finished with her again, only this time I ignored the phone calls and the texts claiming that I was the only person she'd ever loved. She continued for a short while but then it stopped. At this point I didn't have it in me to worry about why it stopped, I was simply glad to be free from it all. Around two months later I heard that she was engaged. A further two months later she was pregnant. I may be wrong, but to me this confirmed everything I had been thinking. She has, of course, since had her daughter and I'm happy that she got what she was after but I can't help wonder if her partner was completely willing in all of it, and I don't think the situation is completely healthy for either of them. I hope for their daughter's sake that everything does work out though, and I hope that she has confronted her problems and is now a happier person.

So what about life since then for me? Well, after telling my boss (who is like my second mother) everything...and her responding that she could see it all along...she convinced me to get in touch with N and tell her too. I thought about this for a while, was it fair to bring it all back up after all this time? I eventually decided that if nothing else N deserved the true explanation to everything, something she hadn't initially had, and what was the worst that could happen? Either she would simply ignore me, or maybe she would tell me where to go. So I sent her a message on Facebook and told her everything, and that I wanted to bewith her. To my surprise she did actually respond, even if only to tell me that this was all too little too late. She had also now met somebody else. But we continued to send messages back and forth, discussing what happened. Slowly the chats became more and more friendly and less about the past. We even progressed to the point where she was coming to my house for a cup of tea and a chat. She didn't tell her boyfriend about these meetings though, I was simply known to him as Kath. One day she came around for a drink. We got a bottle of Morgans Spiced Rum and some Coke and stayed up all night drinking, playing board games, watching films, and generally having a great time. It was just like old times (not the drinking, we never did much of that) and it felt...right. We also discussed our break-up, and when I asked her if she still loved me she sort of blushed and wouldn't answer. By the morning we were both very tired and she decided to have a lie down and a nap. I asked if I could lie with her and have hug, to which she agreed. Putting my arms around her felt magical, a feeling I'd so sorely missed. She started to doze off and I just lied there watching her, in awe of her beauty. The next move was stupid. I kissed her. I had to. She quickly got up, made her excuses and left. The next day I heard nothing from her. The following day she contacted me and told me that she'd told her boyfriend what had happened and that I was totally out of order. We then had another couple of months of her hating me, and I couldn't blame her. But once again we slowly built some bridges.

Before any comments are made, I know that I've probably read too much into the things N has said and done. She probably just doesn't want there to be bad vibes between the two of us, she is that sort of person. But she is also, by her own admission, someone who can hold a grudge and she hasn't with me. Also, she has known since that Facebook message that I still love her and she hasn't really made it clear that it would NEVER happen between us. But as I say, I may be reading too much into everything, I have a habit of doing that. But I know she still loves me, and one day we will be together again.

So where does it all stand today? We no longer have our chats on Facebook, but when I login N has generally poked me, so I always poke her back. Sometimes we will comment on each others activity too, but not as regularly as I'd like. We are going to Alton Towers in a group next week. She doesn't even know she's going yet, R is surprising her for her birthday. She certainly doesn't know I'm going. I only found out myself a few days ago that N is going.

As for T and R? Of course I worked up the courage after finishing with J to get back in touch with them and told them the whole story, too. They both just called me an idiot for avoiding them and now it's as though it never happened. They are the two friends from the beginning of the story that I occasionally go clubbing with. Also they are getting married in two years and T has asked me to be his best man, how awesome is that?

Guess who is maid of honour...

This story is told to the best of my memory which isn't the greatest. And yes, I appreciate that in parts I amy appear to be heartless and uncaring but I honestly do not believe I am that way. You may well disagree. If you do, please feel free to point out why.
WorldOfConfusion WorldOfConfusion
26-30, M
1 Response Jul 26, 2010

Wow. This is sort-of...beautiful in an odd way. And you're a great writer. the best for you and everyone. :)